It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 October 4 - Monday Night Football Edition

 "If you go out and vote we will win bigly. And we'll shove it up their asses." - Donald F Trump 10-3-26

"Free your mind and the rest will follow" - En Vogue 

 The news and sports desk is back up and running. I woke up ready for my 2 a.m. Monday viewing of "The Fugitive" and "Harry O." My Roku was not working and I couldn't watch my TV. Ask anyone you know: my TV doesn't work, and I go into full Daffy Duck panic mode. I considered drinking myself blind, but I went back into sleepy poo mode. I couldn't watch my recording of "Meet The Press." I called my great pal Sid "The Kid" Norris and he came over at 9 a.m. this morning. I had the batteries in wrong in the remote and Sid flipped them and it came on immediately. On a daily basis I'm a real bag of hammers; I can be both dumb and stupid at the same time. I did my happy dance and the beauty is back on duty! Let's go! 

Last Tuesday special prosecutor Jack Smith testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee and to say the least the GOP didn't send their A team. The breathless Katie Britt was on. She married an NFL player. Can you say slack jawed? The moronic Missouri senator Eric Schmitt was on and he's Smokey Eye Shady Vance's early favorite for his vice president. Eric called Smith a "dirtbag." The tech brothers met with Diaper Donnie at the White House and promised they would self-regulate. And I only masturbate every other Wednesday. 

The story of the fraternity gang rape at Cornell university deserves your attention. Research on your own. I have no jokes, but never forget people are no good. A Make America Healthy Again rally was held and the host was rapist Russell Brand. 

On Wednesday the idiot Markwayne Mullin told the world that voter fraud was rampant and the Supreme Court ruled that Trump could deport people to third-world countries to be raped, beaten, and murdered. Twenty-five thousand people have been sent overseas. Note to Stephen Miller: Hell is not filled! Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath gave a George Patton-style speech and said his military would have no "beardoes, weirdos, or fatties." Petey really likes his Lucky Tiger Hair Wax. He has fired 20 percent of our generals and admirals. Perfect during a war. Tough titties said the kitty, but you take the bitter with the sweet. 

On Thursday Russia threatened NATO with nuclear weapons. Trumpty Dumpty is bailing on aid to Ukraine and an appellate court ruled Jeanine Pirro could no longer file any charges on sabotage on the reflective pool. Judge Jeanine responded by drinking two fifths of orange MD 20/20. Renee Good's family sued Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem for the murder of their daughter by ICE. 

Statistics showed more Americans believe in Bigfoot than approve of Orange Jesus. Time magazine published an interview with Trump and when you read his answers to questions they make no sense. He is impossible to understand. 

On Friday the Atlantic reported the insane John Fetterman was asking Republicans for campaign contributions. Newly engaged $Kash Patel said he was going to look into FBI failures. Try looking in the mirror Third Eye, because two eyes aren't enough. That was your gratuitous Nick Danger reference. Remember when Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt resigned as press secretary to spend time with her children and 65-year-old husband? She lied again. She's joining Fox news as a commentator. I can't wait to hear her brilliant insights. Trump backtracked and told people to vote by mail and "voting in America is corrupt." 

Yesterday was "Meet The Press," and first was Steve Kornacki with the numbers. No one likes Trump but no one likes Democrats either. Next was Obama has-been Rahm Emmanuel. What race is he? He wants a $20 minimum wage. He thinks Titty Baby Donnie is a bum. Rahman says Medicare for all is a bad idea. If he runs for president he will promise free beer and chicken. He said he was a former ballet dancer. Okay. We need day care and Head Start. I need to do laundry. And don't forget to remember the future. 

Next was the lovable Mr Haney from "Green Acres," Republican Senator John Kennedy. I had no pot. It would have helped. Democrats argue about men breastfeeding. Fire the teachers who can't teach. What about the economy! "I'd bet you a soda and a nice hat." Huh? Everything is Uncle Joe Biden's fault. People are feeling anger and deep melancholy. Wasn't that a Cure album? He tells the truth. Daylight Savings Time is a burning issue. People don't like to go home in the dark. He used the word existential. Trump could go from a zero to an ahole in 3 seconds. Will Ken Paxton win in Texas? How would he know. "I do it my way." Frank Sinatra used to sing "We Did It Sideways." He mentioned goobers and the Judds. The flashback moment was Elizabeth Dole. Boy, she had a great permanent! And so like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. 

Well, they busted me for nothin'
'Cause they said I was insane
And so they let my body go
But they locked away my brain

~Mott the Hoople~ 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 September 27 - Monday Night Football Edition

"He really likes concrete. He knows his cement." - Donald F Trump 9-24-26 to reporters after showing China president Xi his new helicopter pad at the White House  

"We're going crazy and we're going today." - John Fogerty

 

Last Tuesday the Orange Dictatortot introduced Trump TV on YouTube running 24/7. No one is watching. The annual MAGA Fest was canceled because only 6 VIP tickets had sold. The headliners were to be Kid Rock, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and James "Foghorn Leghorn " Comer. Wow.. Let's drop acid and groove! 

At Washington DC's main airport they are going to have AI machines take over the air traffic controllers. 

Mushroom Winkie addressed the United Nations and after declaring himself the Prince of Peace said about Iran "Do I annihilate the Islamic population? " And I ran so far away. He then told Volodymyr Zelenskyy to bite his crank and he was renaming Artificial Intelligence Super Intelligence. China strongman Xi showed up and the ballroom designer who quit told Taco Tits it broke the city's safety codes. Trump told him " I'm the code." It can hold 1000 people and only has two exits. It has only one women's room with only 7 stalls. 

Smokey Eye Shady Vance announced they were kicking 780 thousand people off Obamacare charging them with fraud. Miniature Marco Rubio invited Big Daddy Vladdy Putin to this year's G 20 meeting and golf at Mar-A-Lago. 

An appellate court ruled Trump couldn't bar reporters from the White House and the titty baby said try and stop him. Kiss my grits. 

On Thursday Darlene Graham appeared on Sean Humanity's TV show and answered softball questions by saying:"That's what I hear." She then begged for campaign contributions by saying:" Lindsey would be proud." Ottawa changed the name of Trump Avenue and the hideous Steven Chueng was pissed. He's never had sex. We found out it was sperm gurgler Vance who tipped off Trump about his negative press coverage and not Natalie "Bunny Boiler" Harp. The Supreme Court ruled Trump's voter restrictions were legal so again the fix is in. If you're aren't cheating you 're not trying hard enough to win. On this day in history CBS replaced the Smothers Brothers show with "Hee Haw." 

On Saturday the adjudicated rapist Donnie went to the Texas/Tennessee football game and was booed when he was shown on the Jumbotron. Natalie Harp still loves him. 

Today on "Meet The Press " Iranian UN Ambassador Abbas Araghchi was the first guest. He was nattily dressed like a young Roger Moore. His English was stilted but still more intelligent than First Whore Melania. 

Our idiot at the UN Mike Waltz was next. Here we go Yakomo. Fuck Iran. The entire world loves Diaper Donnie. We will escalate the war after the midterms. China supports Iran, but who cares? " The facts are obvious." Waltz is a liar, and my feet stink. He used the great term "Doomsday War." Sleep well, cats and kittens! Where is Iran's Supreme Leader? Where's Waldo and Mitch McConnell? 

Next was California Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna. I can get a belly full of him quicker than most. What about AI? Stop pounding sand and let's all join hands. Ro would like to buy the world a Coke. I'd rather have a Hamm's. Senator Tammy Duckworth is a smart cookie. Let's tax the billionaires to pay for childcare. If dreams and wishes were candies and kisses. Bill Gates was on last and don't forget he banged teenage girls on Epstein Island. So much for the marriage! 

Estee Lauder has a new perfume and Linda Evans was on "Harry O" at 3 am and just let me say hubba hubba bubba. Donnie offered to sell China weapons, but was turned down. I thought we were out? The line of the evening on tv was "champagne is like Mother's Day." I have no idea what that means. 

Tomorrow is Happy Hockey Day at my penthouse bachelor pad. 3 games are on ESPN and the skull bong is ready. Keep following the Lauren Boebert sex scandal. Turns out she's a scissor sister! 

 

Today is Ben E King"s birthday. What a voice he had. 

Sister Anne don't give a damn about evolution
She's a liberated woman, she's got her solution
Like a dinosaur, she's going off the wall
She's gonna make it her own crusade
She's got a heart of gold, gonna save a bitch's soul
From goin' down Satan's highway

~ MC 5~

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 September 20 - Monday Night Football Edition

  "I could have banned fishing like Biden was going to do." - Donald F Trump to Bass Pro/ Cabela's owner Johnny "B Goode" Morris 9-17-26 

Last Monday the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 to reject Trump's mail-in voting plan. Of course the two objections were Anthony Scalia and Clarence Thomas. Sperm gurgling is encouraged. Mitch McConnell rose from the grave and only the good die young. The Senate Judiciary Committee, led by 92-year-old Republican Senator Chuck Grassley, grilled Fish Eyed FBI director and babe magnet $Kash Patel, whom Democratic gasbag Corey Booker called "an incompetent lackey." Patel said "I will not participate in your parade of lies," and walked out. What rhymes with pussy? 

Todd Blanche held a press conference and declared the adjudicated rapist is the Supreme Commander and kiss my grits. 

If you have had sex with a goat you are now welcome to work for the FBI. Good to know! 

Congressman Thomas Massie filed impeachment charges against Tattoed Alcoholic Petey Kegsbreath and immediately lapdog Moses Mike Johnson adjourned Congress until after the midterms in November. So much for that vote. 

On Wednesday it was revealed that Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner raised $5 billion for his private equity firm from Middle Eastern nations while "negotiating" peace talks. Double your pleasure. 

Diaper Donnie cut internet service to public schools and libraries because that money is better spent on Natalie Harp's hand lotion for the jerk-offs she performs daily on the Mushroom Winkie. Interest rates went up by a quarter percent and Trump threatened to kill all members of the Federal Reserve Board. Treasury Secretary Scott "Open Casket" Bessent said on CNBC he didn't know where all the Venezuelan oil money is, but he still likes Honey Nut Cheerios. 

The Republican-run Congress has canceled 28 votes this year because Trump told them to. 

On Thursday Charlie Kirk's parents sued the University of Utah and the state of Utah because their son got assassinated there. Don't forget Charlie got shot while extolling the importance of gun ownership. The man who looks like fried bacon, RFK Jr., said the measles vaccine is evil and the cure is vitamins and chicken soup. Have another bowl of Grape Nuts. The Canadian national anthem was played at the Buffalo Bills' home opener football game. Over 7 thousand Canadians have season tickets, but Megyn "Aging Homecoming Queen" Kelly was pig-biting mad. 

On Friday Iran offered to open the Strait of Hormuz with no fees if Sausage Fingers Donnie resigned. We want tuna that tastes good, too. The Department of Revenge and Justice told prosecutors they would be fired if they didn't find cases of election fraud. "My social life's a dud. My name is really mud." The Music Machine. 

Vice President Shady Vance campaigned in Iowa for the Republican candidate for the Senate and she didn't show up. I think I dated her 40 years ago. Petey Kegsbreath announced testosterone tests for all soldiers over the age of 30, and my dog's better than your dog. The genius Donnie said he was establishing an AI force and who gives a shit? What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and a bowling ball? 

Yesterday was the latest edition of "Meet The Press." You didn't miss anything. The first guest was Republican Senate Whip John Barrasso from Wyoming. Here we go. Democrats are crazy. No taxes on tips! Common sense! Everything will be great when the wars are over. Who cares about federal deficits? Joe Biden is/was a bastard and Republicans must win the midterms or it will be Ragnarok! Get rid of every non-white person and the press needs to kiss the pimpled ass of Cankles Caligula. 

Corey Booker was next and he's bought and paid for by people you don't know. We are in an existential crisis and Robert Smith of the Cure still wears makeup. Basically his answer to every question was who fucking knows. I would have been better off cleaning my navel. 

Our fearless leader has forklifts parked outside the Kennedy Center to tear it down unless they let him rename it after himself. Think of Wile E Coyote in a Road Runner cartoon. Every trap backfires, if you know what I mean. 

Why was cashew chicken invented in my hometown of Springfield, Missouri? The Man Who's Wife won't live with him wants to put snipers on top of his 250-foot arch in Washington D.C. Is the Penguin on parole again? 

This time I let you go
Next time I'll let you know
It's high time that I told you so
This time, this time

~The Saints~ 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 September 6

"You might not like the way he looks, you might not love his looks, you might not like his televised interviews. The suit he's wearing doesn't look so great." - Donald F Trump 4-2-26 on Texas Republican Governor candidate Ken Paxton 

"How do you know I'm to blame?" - The Lyres

Last Tuesday it was revealed that the USPS ballot system had been rushed and rigged. Army Secretary Dan Driscoll resigned because the Secretary of Endless Wars and serial rapist Petey Kegsbreath was an alcoholic idiot. 20 senior military directors have been fired from the Pentagon because they won't agree to his policy of lethality and warrior ethos. The United States bombed a wedding in Iran and killed over 50 innocent people. 

On Wednesday Scott "Open Casket" Bessent blamed our sucky economy on Elizabeth Warren and Uncle Joe Biden. Tarrant County in Texas closed 92 polling sites, and the USS Lincoln docked in Thailand after 286 days on sea outside Iran. The sailors, Marines, and airmen took shits and showers. 

On Thursday it was shown that Rapey McFraud had a gold plated phone on his resolute desk in the Oval Office. It turns out that psycho killer Barron "The Freak " Trump has mental issues and can't leave Melania's side. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Billionaire pedophile Leon Black defied a House subpoena to testify about the $1.8 million he paid our boy Jeffrey Epstein and sued James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer, the head of the committee. Comer still beats women, by the way. Kentucky is proud to reelect him every 2 years. 

The biggest news on Thursday was the firing of conspiracist and Daisy Duck lookalike Marria "Lips" Bartiromo. She sent memos to Cankles Caligula every day and dyed her bangs. She is now 58 years old. Former Fox News president Roger Ailes said she was hired because business CEOs wanted to slide her their weasel. Easy come and easy come. 

On Friday the president of China visited the president of Egypt and we are jammed up the backdoor. Smokey Eye Shady Vance appeared on a religious podcast and said, "The end times are near." Is it tomorrow or just the end of time? The United States is refusing to pay benefits for dead soldiers and New Hair Color Sausage Fingers has dyed his hair plugs brunette. Natalie Harp puts his hair patches in. And lesbian porn model Melania Trump continues to bang the bellhop at Trump Tower. Donnie broke ground for his Arc De Trump in Washington, D.C. that will be over 275 feet tall. Without permission. You can't wear pink after labor day, and you can't roller skate in a buffalo herd. 

This weekend Mushroom Winkie is playing golf, on our dime, at Bedminster and Natalie Harp is there. Former Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachman said the problem in the Gaza Strip is not the relentless bombing by Bibi "The Butcher" Netanyahu but obesity because they have too much food. Put straw up my ass and call me a feather duster. 

Big Daddy Vladdy Putin met with Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner in Moscow and the two rich boys gargled the Kremlin sperm, and then they went to meet Vladimir Zelenskyy and he told them to get out. Heckyl and Jeckyl are our special envoys. If I wear the right clothes I look like Robert Conrad on "The Wild Wild West." 

Today Donald F Trump is playing golf with Fox News harpy Brent Baier. I'm watching Alex Witt's last broadcast and going back to bed. Today on "Meet The Press," we had Louisiana Republican Senator John Kennedy first. His accent is fake. You can find the evidence on YouTube. Now he is Mr Haney on "Green Acres." He went to college in the Ivy League. "I'll buy you a steak the size of a Ford Explorer!" The Republicans will sweep the midterm elections and experts are idiots. Life now is great in America and the middle class wants tax cuts like a hobo on a ham sandwich. Prices are gutting Americans like a fish, and it's all Uncle Joe Biden's fault. Putin has blood under his fingernails, and Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath is a tattooed covered genius. 

Then it was Jamie Raskin, Democratic Congressman from Maryland. He survived cancer. He's articulate and is Jell-O. He answered every question with "I can't talk about that now." Great. 

Alex Witt retires today and RIP Gloria Steinem. 

Gloria was an icon. We can't be free until we are all free. 

 

 

 

I'm wild about the way-out clothes you wear
Your pretty dresses, your teased-up hair
You laugh at me since I'm a-starin' at you
Honey, laugh at me, but you're lovin' it too
'Cause you're wild and I'm wild about you

~The Saints~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 August 30 - Monday Edition

 

"She really liked me." - Donald F Trump on Glenn Beck's podcast about Dolly Parton 8-26-26

 

"You're alone and you've got the shakes. So am I baby and I've got what it takes!" 

Iggy and the Stooges

 

Last Tuesday Diaper Donnie announced the trade war with Canada is on full scale, and Dolly Parton died. Trump bought a ton of Space X stock. Ken Burns was on MS Now and he has an American flag pillow.  And a lame beard. Chicken and waffle Oreos were introduced and they are inedible. Agriculture Secretary Brookie Rollins won't say where the imported beef is coming from. But 30 million pounds of Argentinian beef were recalled because it wasn't safe to eat. The CIA Director flew to Russia for a top-secret meeting and was told to go pound sand. Our troops in Iran and blowing up boats in South America are breaking international law. The sailor who jumped ship on the USS Lincoln in a suicide attempt is now being charged with treason and going to prison. 

On Wednesday the ultra right Supreme Court ruled that it was okay to make mail in ballots illegal because only the adjudicated rapist Donnie can vote that way. Rules for thee, not for me. 

On Thursday Cankles Caligula went to Texas to campaign for the criminal Ken Paxton for Senate. But he won't give him any MAGA PAC money. An Air Force major criticized President Titty Baby and was arrested and led off in handcuffs at the Pentagon. You know, that's the place Petey Kegsbreath does his day drinking. The Supreme Court shocked no one and ruled the Trump appointed Postmaster General will now run federal elections in direct violation of the Constitution. What's new in Bug Tussle? Ultimate greaser Donnie Jr is now an executive at the prediction gambling company Kalshi, and he told the Republican state attorneys general to back off on regulating them. What a slimy thug. It was reported that CentCom commander Brad Cooper has had a total mental collapse over the failure of the Iranian War. He made a deranged video where he showed random footage of explosions. And I still believe in the Easter Bunny. 

Our old pal Republican Governor of Florida Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis, was found by a grand jury to have stolen 10 million dollars in Medicaid fraud settlement and put it in his PACs. Little Hitler continued to pick his nose and screamed "Balderdash!" 

The Defend the Vote rally was held in Washington DC Friday. There were Al Sharpton, Bernie Sanders, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and the worthless Hakeem Jeffries. Hakeem has been cast to play the lead in the remake of the Kevin Bacon classic "The Hollow Man." 

The mail in voting restrictions were overturned by another court, and the Mango Mussolini declared the Lake of Ontario will now be called the Lake of America. He also signed an executive order that his top aide 35-year-old Natalie Harp will add knob shines to her job duties because Melania quit performing them 23 years ago. Cue up The Replacements' "Gary's Got a Boner." 

The fabulous Jaye P Morgan passed at the age of 84. Add Tim Curry and remember the rule of threes. Bela Lugosi is dead, but so is Mitch McConnell. 

After yours truly had a fabulous mass sleeping session. I woke up in time for "Meet the Press." Why? The vapid Kristen Welker was wearing another pantsuit that made her look like a Popsicle. Our first chowderhead was the unfuckable Ted Cruz. Ted has written a book about Clarence Thomas. Wow. He said Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico believes God is non binary and there are 6 genders. Talarico is a Marxist! Uncle Joe Biden sucked. Give the Iranian protesters guns and let the whole country turn into Dodge City. Don't give Chester a gun. The oil deal with Venezuela is fabulous and liberals are bigots. How many times can a shithook like Ted Cruz say the word "radicals" in 12 minutes? If you appeared on "Meet The Press " Kristen would ask you 3 times if you were going to run for president. Next was Congressman James Clyburn from South Carolina. I'm old. He's ancient. We need 13 Supreme Court justices and we must turn out the vote. Don't eat oatmeal every day. Thank you sir. Today the war in Iran went back to 10 on a 10 scale and Petey Kegsbreath masturbated furiously. And the Supreme Court ruled Trump's ballroom had the green light to go ahead. And we're paying for it. Fuck us running. 

I watch MS Now most afternoons and they run 4 Bluechew commercials an hour. So that means their target audience can't get hard. Ain't science great? 

 

I'm bitching and telling you the gospel truth. 

Why don't you all go get screwed? 

Why don't you tell me something new? 

I'm bitching.

~The Stranglers~ 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 August 23 - Monday Edition

 "It's a tapered pole. I'm very good at flagpoles." - Donnie F Trump 8-19-26

I've been sleeping like Rip Van Winkle for 2 days. I have to catch all of you up on the news. 

 "If you lose at playing Bogart you're better on your own." - Any Trouble 

Last Monday Diaper Donnie canceled all military exercises with South Korea because he's in love with the dictator of North Korea. Attention Whore Nancy Mace now has a You Tube channel where she wears underwear and shows off her tattoos. 

On Tuesday the Secretary of Scotch Petey was in Iowa campaigning for a Republican idiot. He's a sexual dynamo and a Warfighter. 

On Wednesday the vivacious sister of Miss Lindsey Graham said she knew nothing about foreign affairs but she supports the military. I fight crime at night in a skin tight costume. 

On Thursday frosted cranberry Pop Tarts were released and science has gone too far again. The USS Abraham Lincoln was sent home after 275 days at sea and Donnie "Two Scoops " Trump is still looking for his winkie. 

On Friday Chandelier Stomach saw his letters from Natalie Harp published and she's fucking crazy. Towns in Indiana have not had power and water in 2 weeks, but Melania is having intimate moments with a toy we don't have or want.

On Sunday before "Meet The Press" came on local TV showed the return of the beautiful blonde Natalie Nunn. She's better looking than me! 

Then it was time for "Meet the Press." I have watched this show for 40 years. It blows now beyond belief. Tim Scott was on. Chris Van Hollen was on. Brush my teeth and call me Smiley. It was terrible! I went to bed and didn't wake up for 22 hours. Life goes on, cats! 

When you're doing all right, your friends are jealous of you.

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 August 16

 "I don't worry about anything. You know what my attitude is? Whatever!" ~ Donald F Trump 8-11-26 

"You're alone and you got the shakes? So am I'm I baby and I've got what it takes"

 Iggy and the Stooges 

Last Monday we learned that Joe Biden has invasive bone cancer. The quisling Todd Blanche was sworn in as Attorney General. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she has frozen her eggs and Republicans are livid. The United States Senate is in summer recess and Republican Congressman and wife beater Max Miller didn't quit his reelection campaign. 

On Tuesday the Department of Justice declared all conversations between Mango Mussolini, his family, his business associates, cabinet, and the limo driver banging Melania are now covered by executive privilege. Darlene Graham only got 32 percent of the primary vote for her late "brother's" Senate seat in South Carolina and now goes to a runoff in a week. My Pillow Mike Lindell got beat like a rug on a clothesline running for the governor of Minnesota. He screamed it was rigged and refused to concede. So his fellow Republicans rigged it against him? 

On Wednesday Jeanine Pirro convened a special grand jury in Washington DC to try to convict the former Olympian canoeing champion of vandalizing the Lincoln reflecting pool. Jeanine's hairspray, cheekbones, and lips are grandma porn ready. The Washington Post reported that 900 million dollars will now be paid for by our tax dollars for Donnie Two Scoops ballroom and Hitler bunker. ICE agents are now being issued electric gloves to paralyze innocent people and Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt is quitting as press secretary at the end of the month. She wants to hang with her two babies and her soon-to-die millionaire husband. He's 32 years older than her and she can't wait to start spending his money. I see a pool boy in her future. 

Video gamers are being hired as air traffic controllers because they have "quick fingers and pay attention." I'm decent at Tecmo Super Bowl 1994. I always played Bernie Kosar and the Cleveland Browns. The petroleum oil reserve is at it's lowest level in 45 years and the adjudicated rapist Donnie said "I will never apologize. I did the right thing!" 

On Friday Todd Blanche canceled all 2 billion in fraud refunds on Medicaid swindles and investment firms and Scott "Open Casket" Bessent did a happy dance and ordered another porterhouse steak. And a fifth of McClennan's single malt. 

Trumpty Dumpty said the sailors on the SS Lincoln who have been on the sea over 260 days haven't been there long enough. They are not being fed nor do the toilets work. Tough titties, kitties. 

On Saturday gas prices reached their highest level in the history of August and Fat Nixon said we were going to annex the Strait of Hormuz. 

Today was another disgusting episode of "Meet The Press" with the worthless Kristen Welker as host. I learn more from Uncle Joe on reruns of "Petticoat Junction." 

Our first guest was the sperm gargler Todd Blanche. Would he pledge independence from the Man of Bronzer, Hell no! Don't ask him hypothetical questions! Donnie is the King of the World and Joe Biden gave pardons to murderers and we have a witness of the vandalism at the reflecting pool! The victimization fund is always available and he hasn't had sex with a woman since he was a sophomore in law school. He had a C minus average in school and sex. Sick people are everywhere and Trump has one mission. Where's the money? The Federal government will interfere with elections in Democratic states and it's sad about Savanah Guthrie's mom. It's been six months since her disappearance, but sleep tight; international sex symbol and Scotch drinker $Kash Patel is on the case. Blanche basically answered every question by saying he couldn't talk about that. 

Next was the bought and paid for AIPAC congressman Hakeem Jeffries. He's another Democratic Minority Leader who is as vague as a Penthouse centerfold model photo. Or a Keri Lake tv appearance. She's not as pretty as she thinks. I'm old, but there are no photos of me in soft focus. He's worthless, but what did you expect? 

Finally it was Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna from Silicon California. His net worth is 242 million dollars. What the fuck is "woke?" He used the word "awnties." Put on the brakes on building AI plants, but don't outlaw them. Okey dokey! Will Ro run for president? What an original question, Kristen! More blathering bullshit. I had a shot of Fireball. 

RIP Arlene Smith. Listen to "Maybe" by the Chantels today. 

 

 

I'm carrying a heavy load 

I'm keeping all my secrets inside my soul

I'm counting change and I'm counting time 

I'm waiting for the day when you read my mind

~Hydra~ 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 August 9

"Don't ever talk again. You're fake. You're one of the worst in the business!" 
Donald F Trump to reporter Jake Traylor 8-3-26

Last Monday the Mango Mussolini said, "A lot of people like it," about paying the January 6th criminals money from our tax dollars. 

On Tuesday Senator John Cornyn folded like a pocket knife and said he would approve of criminal Todd Blanche as Attorney General. Swallow the Trump. The UFC lost 30 million dollars throwing their showcase on the White House lawn on Titty' Baby's birthday. It was Barack Obama's birthday which now makes him younger than Melania Trump's vagina. 

On Wednesday Mike Lindell was charged with a crime for throwing pillows out of a truck to get people to vote for him as the governor of Minnesota. It's bribery? The adjudicated rapist Donnie went to Viva Las Vegas and told a crowd of 234 people at a casino that he had a winkie the size of Alaska and the American economy was the greatest it's ever been.

Last Thursday Tommy Tuberville said the dead Mitch McConnell was out of the hospital after 7 weeks and was rehabbing at his palatial mansion and his wife and foreign agent Elaine Chou was having sex with Alabama state troopers. She pays them. The vaccine denier for the Center for Disease Control was confirmed by the Republicans in the Senate and more Americans will die. That will make the unemployment numbers go down. 

In Tennessee Andy Ogles lost in the primary and blamed lesbians, immigrants, and people who have GED's. 

On Friday the Serial Shitter Donnie Trump said we have more missiles than Russia and China and he had to go back to sleep. Our pal Scott "Open Casket" Bessent said there was no longer income inequality in the USA, and it was great to be a millionaire with a soft on. Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Pakistan agreed to a defense agreement since they can no longer depend on Donnie Trump's America. Europe has done the same. Meanwhile Baron Trump is still staring at pictures of Carrie Underwood. Twenty-three thousand jobs were lost last month but Chief Economic Advisor Kevin Hassett said all is good and his pot is awesome. 

On Saturday voter ID to vote lost in the Senate 50-49 because Mitch McConnell wasn't there to make it 51. 

Today is the anniversary of Smokey the Bear in 1944, and the resignation of Richard "The Dick" Nixon in 1974. 

Our first guest on "Meet The Press" today was Abud El-Bayd a Democrat running for senator in Michigan. He's met Barack Obama and Bill Clinton. I've met Son Seals. Our host Kristen Welker went back to her playbook and asked the same question 3 times. Healthcare costs are absurd. Bricks are heavy. He insisted he's not a Communist radical and universal healthcare is a right, not a pay-for luxury. 

Next was the white man from Indiana, Republican Senator Jim Banks. He has all of the charisma of a bag of pork rinds. He said Trump was a Roman god and El-Bayd is a burn in Hades turd. Screw the cost of living. Iran will not have a nuclear weapon and you will not win the showcase on "The Price Is Right." When accused abuser Representative Max Miller should be bounced like a Superball he answered like Moses Mike Johnson. "Thoughts and prayers." 

Our final guest was Democratic Senator Chris Murphy from Connecticut. He said politics were rigged. Really? End the war and tell me what I don't already know. I watch this crap every Sunday so you can sleep in. 

 

Turn off the waterworks, baby, that don't move me no more
When I leave this time, I ain't comin' back no more
~Big Joe Turner~  

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 August 2

 "We are going to bomb the fucking shit out of Iran!" - Donald Trump

Last Monday Taco Tits put up signs at the Smithsonian Museum that said the history was inaccurate and his ex wives were astonished by how small his winkie was. 

On Tuesday the Mango Mussolini met with both Vladimir Zelenskyy and Bibi "The Butcher" Netanyahu and the pervert Sean Hannity spoke at Lindsey Graham's funeral. Sean talked about how much America loved Donnie. The free jet Donnie got from Qatar will cost me and you one billion dollars to make safe for the serial rapist. Easy come, easy go. 

On Wednesday the optometrist Rand Paul called Anthony Faucci a liar and then Mister Ed Josh Hawley came on to lecture us and I took a shower. 

On Thursday the Federal Reserve kept interest rates the same and the former porn actress Melania Trump told the pool boy to meet her later. It was also revealed that Mitch McConnell's wife Elaine Chou was a Russian agent with ties to China. Former FBI director James Comey was set up for an attack by the Department of Justice, the Secret Service, and Barron Trump. The alpha male Donnie told a female reporter she was stupid and everything that was bad was the fault of Barack Hussain Obama and Sleepy Joe Biden. Then Trump shit himself and passed out. Watch the video. 

"Spider-Man Brand New Day" was released and it was the most critically praised movie since "I Spit On Your Grave." Was Bea Arthur a lesbian? John Fetterman is a brain damaged traitor and Marjorie Taylor Greene got married to her fat old white man in Las Vegas. Viva!

"Meet the Press" was on this morning and Kristen Welker was taped having mixed drinks with Nosferatu Stephen Miller at the White House Correspondents Dinner. F her. 

Today's episode was abysmal; the guests blew donkey dongs. I had coffee and turned it off. You missed Mister Haney John Kennedy saying Democrats are Communists and "Eat 'em episode and spit the bones on the floor!" I couldn't take it anymore. Kristen Welker is married to a 50 year old millionaire. 

 

Next topic. 

David Vincent knows the invaders are here. 

 

The sky is crying 

Look at the tears roll down the street

~ Elmore James ~

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 26

"It's not the question I mind. It's your attitude! I think you are a terrible reporter! It's the way you ask these questions! Why? Do you know something I don't know!?"
Donald F Trump 7-22-26 to ABC News reporter Mary Bruce

"I can tell you the story of a vagabond" - Thin Lizzy

Last Sunday Taco Tits crashed the World Cup soccer championship and would not leave the celebratory stage until he was dragged off. 

On Monday it was Miami Vice as Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested and cuffed. They raped, trafficked, and abused women. The brothers are tight with Donnie Jr., Barron, and America's Worst Lawyer Alina Habba. It was revealed that not only is America out of gasoline but also weapons because the alcoholic rapist Petey Kegsbreath has "shot his wad." 

On Tuesday Trump announced tariffs on imported Canadian hockey sticks. America First! The babbling senile moron Susan Collins chaired the confirmation hearing for the ready Secretary of Scotch and Rape Petey Kegsbreath and I watched it for 4 hours until Mr Haney John F Kennedy came on. At that point I had to take a leak and find a baseball game on the satellite. The drunken rapist Petey blamed every thing bad in the world on Joe Biden and his "woke agenda." Fox News didn't air the hearing. Go figure. 

On Wednesday on Fox News the corpse that is Brit Hume said soldiers being killed in our "excursion" in Iran were not a problem, but the Republicans winning the midterm elections were serious. Go back to bed Dracula. The scumbag Steve Scalise Republican Congressman said on live television that voter ID was a no-brainer because you have to show a driver's license to get breadsticks at the Olive Garden. I didn't make that up. Donnie Two Scoops and the hard on with no place to go Petey Kegsbreath showed up at the dignified transfer of 4 soldiers and the hair spray and hair gel were in place for both of those evil people. Trump lied and said all of the 4 dead soldiers told him "Iran must not have a nuclear weapon." And my winkie is the size of a Johnsonville bratwurst. 

On Thursday the ultimate dipshit Donnie Jr was revealed by the New York Times as having made 3 billion dollars since his daddy became president, and his new wife is having sex with the pool boy like a rerun of "Melrose Place." The non-lawyer who refused to testify at the January 6th insurrection hearing Jungle Jim Jordan told Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche to investigate former presidential investigator Jack Smith, and Cankles Caligula called Gavin Newsom "Pinky Herman." 

On Friday the Department of War removed the names of the four recently killed because it was during a ceasefire. In my spare time I sleep. The ultimate golddigger Karoline Leavitt said the best thing about working for Stinky Donnie Trump was his sense of humor and his endless supply of Vienna Sausage. Trump spoke at the White House Correspondents Dinner and he was as funny as his underwear. 

Today was fresh coffee and "Meet the Press." Our first chowder-head was UN Ambassador Mike Waltz. The host Kristen Welker asked if the war in Iran was escalating and Mike answered, "Who knows?" Waltz then said we should trust everything Orange Jesus says and the moon is made of cream cheese. Much like the Christian rapist Petey Kegsbreath Waltz said every thing bad in the world is Joe Biden's fault. Every American soldier should expect to die and Frosted Flakes are the best nutritional food in Bangladesh. And selling nuclear secrets to Saudi Arabia is great because Eric Trump needs cigarette money. His best line of the interview was "We are in discussions." 

Democratic Senator Mark Kelly from Arizona was next and I have more hair than he does. Kelly said the country is out of money and weapons, but we do have an endless supply of "MASH" reruns. Kristen Welker asked if the butcher Bibi Netanyahu was a war criminal and Kelly answered "I love Israel!" And then Kristen did her usual. "Are you running for president?" At this point I was running for the toilet. Mark said, "Talk to me later." 

 

Forty days and forty nights. 

Like a ship out on the sea. 

It keeps raining all the time.

But the river's running dry.

~ Muddy Waters ~

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 19

"Most people should work a minimum of seven days a week."  

Republican Senator Rick Scott 7-16-2026

 

"Painful memories bring tears to my eyes" - The Inmates 

 

Last Wednesday, the breathless on the verge of tears, Senator Katie Britt told the gutless potential United States Attorney General Todd Blanche she admired his hair and that if she wasn't married to a former NFL football player she would bang him like a piano. The unfuckable Ted Cruz was also there and I threw up in my mouth. Blanche told America that he was "Trump's lawyer" and not a single Republican would say the adjudicated rapist lost the 2020 election to Uncle Joe Biden.

On Thursday the corpse of John Ashcroft vouched for Blanche and then returned to his coffin. David Vincent knows the invaders are here. Secretary of Scotch and Rape Petey Kegsbreath declared that every God fearing American serviceman over the age of 30 would be injected with testosterone so that they have porn actor boners. I didn't make that up.

Also on Thursday the Micro Penis Donnie gave a speech about he would be King forever, could never be arrested, and Melania was having sex for 2 thousand dollars an hour. Her phone number is BR 549. That's your Hee Haw reference for the week.

The ratings for Fox "News " have dropped by 43 percent in the last year and more old people are dying. As they say "Hmm..."

The official dumb shit DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin said every Democrat is going to be sent to prison or be fried like chicken in the electric chair. Markwayne is 5 foot nothing and wears his shirts 3 sizes too small so you would think he was Bill Bixby turning into the Hulk.

Today's " Meet the Press " was pre tempted by the final round of the British Open. I failed to make the cut after shooting 9 over after two days. The sand trap on 7 f ed me up.

In other news the Golden Corral is now airing commercials saying they are where:"Protein comes true!" The last time I was there I saw so many cattle I heard Gil Favor yell "Head 'em up! Move 'em out!"  

 

Forty days and forty nights
Since I sat right down and cried
Keep rainin' all the time

But the river is runnin' dry

~Muddy Waters~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 12

"I'm number one on Tic Tak. Taylor Swift is number eleven! Are you stupid!" 

Donald F Trump 7-8-26 

 

"I was born to gamble" - Bob Seger

 

On Monday the trial of Charlie Kirk's alleged assassin began. The beautiful Erica Kirk was there and she was crying,. And she was comforted by the King of Cocaine Donnie Trump Jr. She had a sausage sandwich for lunch. His father changed airplanes while in Europe because his new one from Qatar might leave him vulnerable to drone attacks and he couldn't send missile attacks to Iran . Tiny fingers did that once in the air on Air Force Three. He killed innocent people. 

On Wednesday our adjudicated rapist and Rico Suave told the world press we survived an attack of 110 missiles front the "Islamic Republic of Japan." Smokey Eye Shady Vance had sex with his left hand. 

On Thursday the living fossil Chuck Grassley filed a formal investigation into why the international playboy $Kash Patel bought a pair of BMW automobiles on our dime for his daily activities. He's not only hideous, he's also an incompetent dickweed. My ex girlfriend from 25 years ago wasn't that stupid. The airport in Palm Beach Florida is now named President Donald F Trump International Airport at a cost of 600 million dollars, and my winkie is still the same size. 

Late Saturday night the closeted gay Miss Lindsey Graham passed from choking on the sperm of Donnie Two Scoops. Bye bye Johnny. Don't speak ill of the dead. And don't forget to wipe your ass. The war rages on, your cost for groceries continues to rise, and farts are still funny. 

Today was the "God Bless Lindsey Graham " special edition of "Meet The Press " and the Mango Mussolini was on. He said "He wanted the SAVE act" to be passed right before he kicked the bucket. Then the war criminal Bennie Netanyahu came on followed by the fake liberal Adam Schiff and the more fake Ro Khanna. If you missed Tim Scott don't worry. So does his bought and paid for wife. 

Brittany Spears is still on a madcap adventure with Lindsey Lohan, and the Flash can still outrun Superman. Eric Fleming is the greatest actor ever and why can't you find butterscotch ice cream topping anymore? 

 

Dear Miss Lonely Hearts I've got problems. 

You're the only one I know that can solve them.

~Phil Lynott~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 05

 "Meet The Press" was a rerun BS episode. I had coffee and Fireball. It's the journalistic equivalent of strawberry frosted Pop Tarts. Host Kristen Welker was enjoying her weekend with her two surrogate babies and her millionaire husband.

 But it was a busy week and we have much to discuss.

"I know more about real estate than anyone in the world."  - Slumlord and adjudicated rapist Donnie"Tiny" Trump

"Money talks and bullshit walks" - Sammy Hagar 

 But it was a busy week and we have much to discuss. 

Last Sunday the fabulous America's State Fair was rained out and the 46 people wandering around were thrown out by uniformed ICE storm-troopers. How bad was it? Vanilla Ice pulled out. What does he do these days? Phone call for MC Hammer. "Can't Touch This." 

On Monday envoy Steve Witkoff cursed at Madeline Dean at a hearing on Capitol Hill and the fascist Supreme Court ruled that Donnie "Two Scoops" Trump couldn't deport every non Scandinavian lesbian porn model but that he also couldn't ban mail in voting. That is crucial for service men and women overseas, the disabled and elderly, and old slapdicks like me. Donnie "Mushroom Winkie" Trump gave himself, his family, and his bidness partners total immunity from all crimes and I won the showcase on "The Price Is Right." 

It was all Serena Williams Day at Wimbledon and she got her ass kicked. Her personal trainer said she had inflammation in her right knee. Between her and LeBron James I could care less. What happened to Doc "I pitched a no hitter on acid" Ellis? 

Meanwhile on Fox the lovely blonde bitch Laura Ingraham called Orange Jesus a living embodiment of every woman's dream and the Human Printer, 34 year old Natalie Harp was found by First Whore and Third Wife Melania giving her beloved bank account a knob shine in the Lincoln Bedroom. Melania left the room and made another movie. This one features a stunt penis disguised as Buddy Ebsen. 

The Fourth of July came and went and I still have all of my fingers. Don't play with matches, bottle rockets, or men named Gus - "Tips For Teens". 

If you did laundry and missed "Meet The Press," that's okey dokey. I watch so you don't have to. And if you're watching "The Championship" at Wimbledon look at all of the old white men with young women in push up bras. Go figure. What's in your wallet? 

 

I can tell in your face that I'm a total disgrace

You got no time for a damage case

~ Motörhead~

 

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 28

 "I know everything worked. Everything I have done has worked." - Donald F Trump 6-26-76

 "Because I'm a rocker!" - Thin Lizzy 

Last Monday it was revealed that closet dick lick Moses Mike Johnson has a higher crime and murder rate than New York City. Adjudicated rapist Mushroom Winkie fell asleep at a meeting in Europe and Smokey Eyed Shady Vance said he loves his couch buddy Uscha. The Supreme Court ruled that she should be deported. See ya, Toots! 

On Tuesday it was revealed that the 1776 million will be given to the criminals who attacked the US Capitol on January 6th. Great! Enrique Tarrio will now pay for sex!

Trump went to France and tried to feel up President Macron's blonde wife. It failed. Also the crashing of the B-52 over Europe that killed 8 people was ignored by Diaper Donnie because they were "suckers and losers." Ghislaine Maxwell has a pet dog at her golf course prison and Kelly Anne Conway is gargling .Dementia Donnie's love butter. $'Kash Patel's "girlfriend" sang again and the One Eyed dope got a stiff. She knows one song. Wow! Wake up next to that freak! 

In other news the war with Iran is not over and the Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath is still nailing fifths of Old Crow and raping Haitian waitresses. The Supreme Court ruled all black and brown people must be deported, and Karoline Leavitt returned after her 9tĥ baby! Her husband is 100 years old. But he's got money! Another face lift for KKK Caroline!

"Meet The Press" was two boring stiffs that wasted our time. Remind me to watch cartoons next Sunday. 

 

I'm going to hang around this town one more year. 

Playing on the weekends and at night time drink my beer.

~Counting Crows~

 

 

 

You may also visit the Rev at danhefner.substack.com   

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 21

 

Yesterday the adjudicated rapist Donnie F Trump said the ruined paint and algae in the reflecting "lake " was the result of sabotage and poisoning by members of the radical left lunatics and antifa. Me, you, and Philip Michael Thomas didn't know that. 

"I need me a safe cracker with a hundred pounds of TNT. I need me a safe cracker to open up your heart for me."  - The Hoodoo Rhythm Devils 

Last Sunday the Prime Minister of Pakistan said a peace deal had been reached between Sausage Fingers and the Ayatollah of Iran. And Lydia Lunch is the Queen of Siam. UFC turdbag won his fight at the White House by cold clocking his opponent in the second round. He was then interviewed by quisling Joe "Uncle Fester" Rogan and declared on Paramount Plus TV that Michelle Obama "was a man!" He asked the crowd if they agreed with him and 80 percent did. Not my crowd. 

On Monday the statistics were released and God's Chosen Liar Moses Mike Johnson, the missing Keebler elf, has a higher crime rate in his Louisiana district than New York City. The 60 day ceasefire deal was revealed and Mushroom Winkie folded like bed sheets out of the dryer. The billions of dollars spent and lives lost meant nothing. You can't out crazy people who are crazier than you. I tried that for a year with a girlfriend in 2001. Lessons learned. 

The Department of Revenge/Justice is investigating California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom and his wife for possible tax evasion and failure to spray their cat for fleas. Orange Jesus went to France for the G7 meeting. He got handsy with President Macron's blonde wife and told Macron the UFC trailer debacle the night before at the White House was "more important than the World Cup." Many people told him that. Or was it the voices in his pudding brain? 

Trump has nominated Smokey Eye Shady Vance to be the sacrificial lamb for the Iran deal. And Rapey McFraud said on July 4th he will hold the greatest Trump rally ever held on the ellipse. The Village People, Lee Greenwood, and Little Anthony and the Imperials will perform. Billy Ray Cyrus is busy combing his hair or else he'd be there for the free coney dogs and Pabst Blue Ribbons. An American B-52 crashed and all the passengers died. Cankles Caligula said nothing because if you die on a military plane you're a sucker and a loser.The homosexual rape cover up representative Jim Jordan led a delegation to visit Ghislaine Maxwell's celebrity prison and said the food was superb. Can I have more cottage cheese? With red pepper? 

On Tuesday the news broke that sex bomb One Eyed Kash Patel had a million-dollar slush fund to pay an elite "Revenge Squad " of FBI agents to break the legs of rats in the organization who spill the beans on his rampant alcoholism and Viagra use. Early Times has a stiffy. The taxpayers' bill for the Golden Ballroom is now 300 million. But we're cutting Social Security. Priorities kids! The Man of Bronzer gave a presser at the G7. I watched for an hour and a half and Holy God. No men in women's sports and no transgender for everyone. What happened to blonde Daughter of Christ Erika "buy me a cocktail " Kirk? She's a great an actress as Joan Crawford. Mascara King Shady Vance gave a press conference and he insulted reporters while laughing as he did it. Vance has all the charm of the cat passing gas in the elevator. Are farts lumpy? The Department of Revenge/Justice now has 3 other plans to sneak in the 1,776 million dollars for the Thug Fund because Enrique Tarrio and Stewart Rhodes need the money to pay for legal bills and porn. Do not rent "Grinding Grannies." The president of Italy called First Whore and Third Wife Melania Trump a liar. By the way Marshmallow Mateys are a great, nutritious cereal. In milk or out of the bag like Cracker Jacks! 

Today in Switzerland JD Vance, Miniature Marco Rubio, real estate broker Steven Witkoff, and Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner are negotiating the peace deal with Iran. This isn't even the junior varsity team. We are getting screwed and it's not even fun. Unfortunately in MAGA Hillbilly Heaven this morning, "Meet the Press" was basically not on. It was time for Doppler Radar. It appears 2 1/2 hours north there was a fossil cloud in Possum Holler and strong winds in Who Gives A Shit, Missouri. I stopped taking notes and grabbed a cup of Joe with a side of Jim Beam. Oh well. It was bought and paid for Senator Corey Booker and former Trump Secretary of Defense under his first term. Booker is a fake liberal and the former Secretary of Defense said he didn't know about the "peace deal " with Iran. F me running! I'd rather hear your opinions. It rained at my penthouse apartment for 17 minutes and my record collection is intact. 

In sports news the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup and the New York Knicks are the NBA champions. 

"Toy Story 5" premiers in 2 weeks and the Supergirl movie looks like a stinker in its previews. 

Jimmy Kimmel is on vacation for two months but I'll still be on duty. 

Rupert Murdoch bought Roku, and you could win a dream date with "Box of Wine" Jeanine Pirro. 

 

Well it sounds like a long song coming buddy, listen, buddy

We got better things to listen to.

~Bob Seger~

 

**********

 

You may also visit Dan at danhefner.substack.com  

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 14

 

"I love this inflation. The numbers are great!" - Donald F Trump 6-10-2026 

"Why would I pay for something that I don't even want for free." - Hydra

What a week. Grab a beverage. 

Last Sunday Israel fired missiles into Beirut. Iran fired missiles into Israel. Rapey McFraud was pissed. 

On Monday Woozy Winks went to the New York Knicks playoff game at Madison Square Garden. A 5 block radius was closed and the Secret Service closed off all the block parties in the area. Why does a presidential motorcade need 8 vehicles? The Knicks lost for the first time since April. Diaper Donnie stuffed his ravenous pie hole with french fries and pizza, then slept through the second and third quarters, and he was booed during the National Anthem. His disgusting granddaughter Kai almost cried, but that would require emotion besides greed. Trump’s new blonde doll baby Natalie Harp was there and we need odds on her becoming wife number four. She's no Stephanie Clifford aka Stormy Daniels. Fox edited out the boos and inserted USA chants. Fair and balanced. The budget for ICE and Border Patrol is now larger than that of the Russian military. Jeffrey Epstein's moll and fixer Leslie Groff told woman beater James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer she had no idea Epstein was scum and she never saw him do anything wrong or rude. Former MTV reality actor Spencer Pratt lost in the mayoral primary in Los Angeles and Sausage Fingers said it was rigged. While Full Depends attended the basketball game American military pilots were floating in the ocean after their helicopter was shot down by an Iranian drone. The adjudicated rapist didn't care. 

Also on Tuesday attention whore Nancy Mace came in fifth in the South Carolina governor primary and will soon model her augmented breasts at Bennie's Boom Boom Room. A lap dance will cost extra. The only survivor in the GOP who voted for the release of the Epstein files is handsy Lauren Boebert. Courts ruled that Donnie's name be removed from the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. We can kiss the marble armrests Trumpty Dumpty was going to install on our dime goodbye. Before he was assassinated Charlie "Prove Me Wrong" Kirk was told by Orange Jesus to cancel his talk about releasing the Epstein files. After Graham Plantner won his primary for the Senate in Maine Mormon Senator Mike Lee said, "Hitler is happy." Hey! I thought Platner was a Socialist, not a Nazi. Trump said we had sent 22 ships through the Strait of Hormuz because it was at night and they had their lights off. Bill Gates testified in another closed door session on the Hill and said Jeffrey Epstein tried to blackmail him. Gates was reportedly not open and combative. 

On Thursday the Pentagon was put under lock-down due to an "air quality issue." Secretary of War, Rape, and Scotch Petey Kegsbreath showed up in the bag and hurled all over the floor. US Attorney Jay Clayton was nominated by Diaper Donnie to be the new Director of National Intelligence and Clayton immediately began crowing about election fraud in California. Sleep tight tonight! 

On Friday the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act expired and the ability of the Feds to spy on you will now be more difficult. Damn. SpaceX was put on the stock market and the initial sales made Elon "Failed Penile Implant" Musk the world's first trillionaire. But still the Johnny Appleseed of sperm refuses to pay child support. 19 and counting. Gwenyth Paltrow is now making advertisements for condos in Isreali captured lands in Gaza. Skyscrapers on graves. Trump's renovated reflective pool is now filled with algae. King Midas in reverse. 

On Sunday this day in history is Flag Day, the first anniversary of the No Kings protests, and Donnie turns 80 years old. With the privates of a 3 year old. Today "under God" was added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954. Sorry if you're a Muslim. 

It was now time for coffee and "Meet the Press." Our first guest was corporate Democrat Hakeem Jeffries. He's bought and paid for by Wall Street and AIPAC. He's a liberal, not. Trump says a peace deal with Iran is near and it's a " memorandum of understanding." This is like "concepts of a plan." We had a peace plan but Trump hates Barack Hussain Obama so he got rid of it. Iran is now stronger and America is less safe. Will the Democrats flip seats in November in the House! Hakeem said that was easy peasy. The top one percent of Americans have 31 percent of the money, and the rest of us are eating crumbs off the table. I like mine with chips and French onion dip. How do you know if an onion is French? By the way it kisses. The American Dream is just that. A dream. If Hakeem was a beverage he'd be Coke Zero. And like all New Yorkers he has a stiff for the champion Knicks. 

Next was a double header of Baptist ministers and senators. Republican James Lankford from Dwight Twilley's Oklahoma reminds me that more people would be atheists if they had holidays. Most news is social media scuttle butt, and we can't let Iran fund terrorism. The World Cup is a threat to American safety, and Jay Clayton is a stud that everybody likes. All elections will be decided by the voters and Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico wants open borders and more crime. And you thought Moses Mike Johnson was God's Chosen Liar. 

Then there was an advertisement for Avstedo. It will control your body quivers but it also leads to suicidal thoughts. Take the bitter with the sweet, buttercup. 

Finally it was Baptist minister number two Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia. He has a new book. He said the Supreme Court sucks. He said Mushroom Winkie is taking America to the bottom and ain't it great? As far as character goes in politicians, we all need to check ourselves. Stay away from mirrors. The mirror doesn't lie unless you're Demi "No Wrinkles " Moore. The Republicans will interfere with the elections in November. Ask blonde bombshell Tina Peters from Colorado. And again the beautiful Kristen Welker asked her favorite question. Will Raphael run for president? Three times as always and she is such a one trick pony. The answer was "No, no, and no." He then had to talk about kitchen table issues. My kitchen table issue is it's your turn to wash the dishes and I'll take a beer while you're up. 

Trump is going to the G 7 meeting in France so breathe through your mouth not your nose. 

RIP Gene Shalit. 

Another season of "Big Brother " begins July 19th and Julie Chen is still married to sexual harasser Leslie Moonves because he pays her. In every dream home a heartache. 

Now the same MAGA ass-hats who ruined CBS News will buy CNN and Kaitlyn Collins will be fired. Donnie says she never smiles. 

 

The power crazy leaders
Who control your very fate 
They would twist your will
Steal your life and sell your soul away
If you're drifting or wandering lost
You're the perfect target for the double cross

~MC5~

 

********** 

 

You may also visit Dan at danhefner.substack.com 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 07

"I never listen to the fake news Mafia." - $Kash Patel at the press conference with criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus Todd Blanche

Last Tuesday the pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio told senators on Capitol Hill that the war with Iran was over and he had never seen Daddy Dumpy Pants fall asleep at a televised meeting. The IRS must still agree never to audit the adjudicated rapist Donnie, his family, companies, and friends for eternity. The new director of National Intelligence will be nepo baby and hatchet man Bill "Bad Haircut" Polte. Rock stupid DHS director Markwayne Mullin declared he was the boss of the World Cup soccer tournament and get ready to fill up the concentration camps. The Pentagon hired a January 6th criminal to become the new head of counter terrorism. He's 22 years old and is masturbating as I write this. Sausage Fingers said that he's keeping the UFC ring up on the White House lawn post debacle because "many people say it's beautiful." The House passed the War Resolution Act and now it moves to the Senate. Don't worry, President Candy Pants will veto it between naps. Polte announced he was going to expose election fraud. There is a goblin in my closet. 

On Thursday John Bolton agreed to plead guilty in his declassified documents charges to avoid 20 years in prison. Wimp. On Friday the House passed more aid to Ukraine and more sanctions on Russia. The Man of Bronzer shit his Depends again. Babe Magnet Donnie went to Wisconsin and told farmers they never had it better and asked if their underage daughters are hot? The transcripts of Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi about Jeffrey Epstein were released, and like Frank Nitti, she pleaded the fifth and refused to answer all questions. What a dry hump that was. The Wall Street Journal reported that corporations that contributed to Trump's Golden Ballroom have received 50 billion in government contracts. That's called both corruption and a smart investment. I'll pay you Thursday for a cheeseburger today. Another huge funding bill was given to ICE and Border Patrol because although masks are cheap tasers, billy clubs, and 45 automatic pistols aren't. The surgically reconstructed Ivana Trump and Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner bought an island off the coast of Albania. They are going to build condominiums, casinos, and whorehouses. Ivanka said it was a manifestation of her dreams and those of every American. She didn't consult me or you. 

On Saturday the 100th day of the Iranian War commenced with the launching of 100 Iranian ships in the Strait of Hormuz. And the rerun of "The Wild Wild West" featured a trained monkey assassin. After another great Stanley Cup hockey game that went double overtime (reasons to get stoned) it was time for coffee and "Meet the Press." 

Today's guest was Dictatortot Donnie Trump. There was a John Deere tractor in the background. The immigrants weren't eating the cats and the dogs, but it was raining cats and dogs. Like thunder and lightning. Damn it's so exciting. It hits you like a hammer. Trumpty Dumpty said we are not in a war but a military exercise. He told the same old lies about how we have destroyed Iran. No matter how it peters out, we win. "I don't think about it." Our troops are very safe. The stock market is roaring and if Iran doesn't bend over and grab its ankles, we will drop The Bomb. The syphilis-induced dementia cat has his finger on the Nuclear Football. That's fucking great. Every president before him was a pussy. He told stories of dismemberment for no reason. His favorite answer was "I don't want to tell you that." 7 minutes into the interview he used the term "fake news." "Nuclear dust" is a cute term and many people like it. He insulted Kristen Welker several times and said, "You are either crooked or stupid." "People live with inflation." Tell me about it, pal. He said growth is the greatest thing ever. Ask his waistline, not his winkie. Should we give money to the January 6th criminals? Yeah baby! Then he broke out his favorite term: "radical left lunatics." The storm got worse. Mister Bad Makeup got pissed off, threw off his microphone, and lunged out of the room with all of the intensity of the mummy in the "Jonny Quest" episode. Why would I pay for something that I don't even want for free? 

Pink is hosting the Tony awards tonight and she's an international superstar. I didn't know that. 

Mindy Kaling was on "Sunday Today," and she's as fascinating as a can of Spaghetti O's. But her bank account is better than mine so what do I know? 

 

Uptown downtown acting just like you should 

Even if you play their game it won't do you no good 

There's too many creeps out there hungry for your blood, yes they are 

They put you down when you are not around, drives you insane

~The Saints~

 

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | (Tuesday Edition) 2026 June 02

"Now you can't boo me. I'm the Vice President of the United States." JD Vance 5-28-26 

"I am the warrior. I deliver the fatal blow." Thin Lizzy 

A week ago last Monday the United States decided to resume missile attacks on Iran. 

Last Tuesday Pervert Hoover took another physical exam at Walter Reed hospital and, of course, he's in Batman tip top shape. And he passed his fourth cognitive test delivering another perfect score. He declared himself a genius. ICE ran wild in New Jersey and Democratic Senator Andy Kim was pepper-sprayed. The contemptible Megyn Kelly said he should have stayed home. Diaper Donnie canceled a cabinet meeting at Camp David and in the Texas primary the corrupt Ken Paxton defeated the old school incumbent John Cornyn. The $10 million Trump stole from the Treasury to give to the Board of Peace has mysteriously disappeared. Will Cain on Fox and Greg Kelly on Newsmax have made it to the finals of the stupidest conservative television host competition. One Eyed Kash Patel fired the FBI analyst who investigated the shooting years ago of Republican Congressman Stece Scalise. Trump held another televised cabinet meeting at the White House and made up statistics to let us know we are living in the land of chicken and honey. He calls the war in Iran a "conflict" and says that Smokey Eye Shady Vance reminds him of Eliot Ness. Oh yeah. Vance reminds me of Poppin' Fresh with a beard. Trumpty Dumpty said we have 64 percent of the world's oil and Iran would use nuclear weapons immediately if they had them. I'd be a better dancer if I didn't have 2 left feet. Prices will soon be the lowest ever on oil. Trump is so brave in the face of assassination attempts. And, contrary to the facts, this will be the most successful World Cup ever. Orange Jesus said all ICE protesters are fake and paid agitators. DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin said our concentration camps aren't "the Holiday Inn." Economic advisor Kevin Hassett said, "Grocery stores shouldn't close down because of stupid rules about refrigerators." 

Last Thursday all hell broke out in Eastern Europe and the Middle East. Cankles Caligula said when we attack Iran it's strictly "defensive," so the ceasefire is still on. The Department of Justice/Revenge accused the rape victim E Jean Carroll of perjury. The Freedom USA 250 celebration announced its musical lineup and people laughed out loud. Markwayne Mullin announced he's hiring his wife as a special assistant at a salary of $130,000 a year. It's leaked that the Pentagon has ground invasion plans for Cuba in keeping with Trump's promise of no new wars. Russia fired missiles into Romania and there wasn't a peep out of NATO nor America. A mere day later 7 of the 9 musical acts scheduled for Trump's Freedom Concert canceled. Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi went to the Hill and in a closed door hearing said Todd Blanche was in charge of the Jeffrey Epstein investigation and she wouldn't answer any questions about Old Purple Hands. "What about the Dow?!" CBS is showing the UFC fights at the White House on Trump's birthday and who will watch? A judge in Virginia blocked the Thug Funds for January 6th criminals for 2 weeks until they can be reviewed more. It was also ruled Trump's name must be removed from the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and Trump said, "Kiss his cottage cheese ass." He washes his hands of the entire endeavor. 

On Saturday Trump said he was in no hurry to end his war and that high gas prices are worth it for world safety. Suck it up, Buttercup! 

Yesterday on Monday Trump's physical results were finally released: he weighs 238 pounds and his purple hands are a result of daily aspirin taking and "vigorous handshaking." He also has the heart of a 66 year old in his 80 year old body. 

Sunday was once again "Meet The Press," and what a thrill. First was former Vice President Mike Pence. The Race Bannon look a like has a book out. Great. Mikey said Depends Donnie is more popular than the radical left. Unfortunately he said the populist right is favoring big government and that's a big nay nay. Right to life is good and isolationism is bad. Abortion pills are dangerous and bad and he used the phrase "God fearing" more than once. Do we move beyond Trump? Pence didn't know. Like every guest on the show Kristen Welker asked if he would run for president. Pence said nope. 3 times. Does Miniature Marco beat Vance for the nomination? Pence didn't have a clue. If politicians were beverages Pence would be buttermilk. 

Next was Kentucky Governor Democrat Andy Breshear. He quoted the Bible and said the Democratic Party needs to move to the middle. He wants a "fix the country amendment," whatever that is. If Pence is buttermilk then Breshear is Pepsi. He ain't Coca Cola. Is he going to run for president! Do you have a single new question, Kristen? He's not talking. 

Just now Attorney General Todd Blanche said they are abandoning the January 6th cash payouts. Don't believe a word because words can tell lies. 

RIP Sonny Rollins, Bob Hoerner, and Claude Lemiuex. 

Tonight on TV, do I watch the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals, the primary results in 6 states, or "Farmer Needs a Wife?" 

Lipstick on your collar is going to tell on you. 

Lipstick on your collar shows you were untrue. 

Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through. 

Because lipstick on your collar is going to tell on you.

~Connie Francis / The Saints~

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 24

 

"The entire roof is built for military. They have a massive drone capacity. Not only is it drone proof, if a drone hits it, it bounces off, it won't have any impact. But it's also meant as a drone port that would protect all of Washington." - Donald F Trump on his Golden Ballroom 5-19-26

"She just watches television. She's not the same since she's been through a collision" - The Brains   

Last Monday it was announced that the IRS reached a "settlement" with Daddy Dumpy Pants to give 1.776 billion dollars to people who suffered under the victimization of the previous Department of Justice. January 6th criminals rejoiced. The World Health Organization declared Ebola is now a worldwide outbreak. Trump called off the attack on Iran because Saudi Arabia told him to and another maniac went on a shooting spree at a Muslim center in San Diego. The shooter was "still active but contained," according to the police report. Mr October Reggie Jackson turned 80 years old. 

On Tuesday the criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus and acting Attorney General Todd "Hamilton Burger" Blanche defended giving money to January 6th criminals and told CNN people get paid after assaulting police officers all the time. Smokey Eye Shady Vance said people are misunderstanding its intent, and the Department of Justice said the Dictatortot and his kids and companies will never have their tax returns released and never have to file again because he's a God. AIPAC and Trump endorsed Ed Gallrein beat incumbent Republican Congressman Thomas Massey in the Kentucky primary and spent 25 million dollars doing it. 

On Wednesday Big Daddy Vladdy Putin hung out with China President Xi in Beijing and they signed trade and weapons deals, ate barbecued pork ribs, and drank Old Milwaukee tall boys. Mushroom Winkie wants the International Criminal Court abolished and wants Russia, China, and North Korea to join him. Whatever happened to the Board of Peace? The adjudicated rapist Donnie also said he was in no hurry to end his war in Iran and Miniature Marco Rubio said Cuba is in the crosshairs. Congenital liar and AG Todd Blanche said Raul Castro is charged with 7 criminal counts in a blatant attempt to court Cuban voters in Miami. Fidel's brother Raul is 96 years old and is in a wheelchair. He should be easy to catch in Havana. The victims of Jeffrey Epstein said Blanche lied under oath and bees make honey. Donnie said that one billion dollars is needed for security for the Golden Ballroom from our tax dollars and that he may next be the new Prime Minister of Israel. "I have a 99 percent approval rating there." And I'm 6 foot 7 inches tall. 

On Thursday Sausage Fingers said he was going to build his arch because 100 years ago Congress passed a resolution saying it was okay so screw you. A court ruled that the Presidential Records Act must be followed while Melania's wallet was packing more boxes of sensitive information to send to the Roach Motel aka Mar-A-Lago. My Pillow Mike Lindell, Proud Boys leader Enrique "Sauve" Tarrio, and Michael "the traitor" Cohen all filed for Trump's retribution money. Your tax dollars at work! On CNBC Jeff Bezos said his pal Mango Mussolini is more mature and disciplined in his second term as Supreme God head. I dropped my beverage in laughter. Bezos also said the 75 million dollars he spent on "Melania: The Movie," which only made 17 million in box office and streaming was a "good investment." Pay to play, Bubba. The Department of Homeland Security overpaid for all of the warehouses they bought to turn into immigrant concentration camps, but that's okay because they were all owned by Trump and his cronies. Are Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski still boffing like chimpanzees? Both the Senate and House closed down until June because Moses Mike Johnson didn't have the votes to reject the War Powers Act and then Moses ran away from reporters and yelled "Touch not the anointed one!" 

Thursday was also Cher's 80th birthday. That's 144 in dog years. 

On Friday NATO met in Sweden and Pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio showed up and bootlicker Kevin Warsh was sworn in by the despicable Clarence Thomas as the new chairman of the Federal Reserve. Warsh said he would be fiercely independent while also doing anything the Man of Bronzer told him to do. Director of National Intelligence and Hindu surfer Tulsi Gabbard announced her retirement because her husband has bone cancer. I wish him well. Personal note for Tulsi: I will miss your pancake makeup and your Pepe Le Pew hair. Republican Senate candidate in Kentucky Andy Barr released an advertisement that said "It's not a sin to be white." Thank God. I'm as pale as Angel Soft toilet paper. 

On Saturday the Department of Justice had all charges dropped against the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers. Cokehead Donnie Trump Jr got married again in the Bahamas to Miami socialite Bettina Anderson. She has a history of sleeping with rich men. Go figure. Rupert Murdoch's New York Post reported an Iranian assassin is gunning for Ivanka Trump when they should be going for her better half Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner. There was gunplay a half mile away from the White House. 30 shots were fired and the shooter and a pedestrian were shot by the crack Secret Service agents on the scene. The shooter is dead and the pedestrian is in critical condition. The shooter had "a history of mental issues." No shit. What happened to Trumpty Dumpty's health care plan? RFK Jr says take Flintstones vitamins. DJT said high gas prices were "peanuts," and before he refused to testify before Congress Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick gave the Republican National Committee 5 million dollars. No wonder woman beater James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer said it was totally cool. This is hip. Kilmar Abrego Garcia is a free man again thanks to an intelligent judge, and Nosferatu Stephen Miller is pig biting mad. The leaked peace agreement between Trump and Iran gives Iran 25 billion dollars, no restrictions on nuclear development, and control of the Strait of Hormuz. Now that's the art of the deal. We spent billions and told the world we are ignorant morons run by a syphilis-demented 80-year-old who's still falling asleep on television. 

"Meet The Press" wasn't as good as the playoff hockey from last week. First was the aforementioned Thomas Massie. The beautiful but vapid Kristen Welker asked him about Iran. He answered we should get the hell out. He votes for the people, not the party. Massie voted with the red tie Cankles Caligula 92 percent of the time, but he was against the war and for the release of the Epstein files. Hence, he was marked for death. Kentucky voters are easily manipulated and he has inspired many others to fight the man. He did blow his own horn like Joe Lovano, but with America in crisis the Golden Ballroom is utter bullshit. He said we need freedom of speech and freedom from vaccination. I told you he was conservative. He said Todd Blanche is a liar. And then, as usual, Kristen asked him 3 times if he was going to run for president. He said he's hanging out with his peach trees and his cattle so talk to him later, alligator. 

Next was the well-funded California Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna. How about a short-term deal with Iran? Ro said sure. How about the defeat of Massie? Ro said intercourse that. He then said Shady Vance is a clown. Should the Democrats change their election strategy? In classic politician fashion he answered yes and no. Is Democratic National Chairman Ken Martin a stooge? Kinda sorta! He said we need term limits for Supreme Court justices and we should expand the court to 13 people. He said the court now is the Dred Scott court and Martin Luther King is spinning like a Duncan yo-yo in his grave. Welcome to 1874! 

Kevin Hart has a Taco Bell commercial and I'm glad Old Yellar has found work. The Mandalorian will endorse anything shy of Maxi Pads. We should all drop acid and go see "Masters of the Universe" while we wait for a GI Joe movie. Is David Hasselhoff too old to play the lead? 

Don't forget the real meaning of Memorial Day. It ain't about the Secretary of Rape and fake Christianity Petey Kegsbreath. 

RIP Barney Frank and Kyle Busch. No one was really satisfied about number 81. 

 

The autopsy proved that Peter lied 

but they could never find the gun 

No one saw the note beside the body

Nobody knew the problem but my God

Suicide

~Thin Lizzy~