"When they cry uncle or when they can't fight any longer." - Donald F Trump on when the war on Iran will end 3-7-26.
"No one told him she didn't want to see him again" - Thin Lizzy
Monday at 10:49 am " The Price Is Right " was interrupted by the adjudicated rapist Donnie in one of his incoherent speeches about his reasons for his "combat operation" in Iran. He reminded us how much he has suffered. He has beautiful golden curtains and what about that Big Beautiful Ballroom! CBS cut him off after 8 minutes and I don't know who won the showcase.
Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath said we weren't going to follow any stupid rules of engagement, no "woke wars," and our strategy is to pray and prey. Miniature Marco Rubio said we attacked Iran before they could attack us. Irish Mickey Ward always threw the first punch. Israel and Saudi Arabia told us to.
Melania "Nude Model " Trump led the UN Security Council meeting and no one understood a single word she said, mangled, or made up. I counted 6 words I'd never heard before.
The Daily Beast, led by the beautiful Joanna Coles, blew up the story that Kristi Noem fired her jet pilot because he forgot her favorite blanket. It turns out he forgot to bring her bag of "sex toys". I shit you not. Wow. A bag. Think of Batman's utility belt. I'll need the vibrating butt plug and the Water Pik.
On Tuesday Miss Sex Toys testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee and it didn't go well. "If you don't like the law you should change the law." "I don't know the details of that individual case." Having facial surgery means you never have to say you're sorry! She denied saying things she said on live television. Missouri Republican Senator Eric Schmitt proved once again he's an idiot and retiring Thom Tillis went off like Dick Butkis on Bart Starr. The stock market crashed and Open Wounds Donnie said gas prices are going to go up but kiss his pimpled ass.
In Texas primaries Democrat James Talarico beat Jasmine Crockett for the Senate nomination. This is America. You always vote for the white Christian with the Fantastic Sam's haircut over the black woman. The gutted State Department told Americans to get the hell out of the Middle East even though all of the airports are closed. Bon voyage!
At 7:03 am CST drunken rapist Petey Kegsbreath came on tv and insulted every living American. "I hope you can understand." "Death and destruction from the skies." (Wasn't that a song on Hydra's first album?) Trump then began a war in Ecuador to kill "narco-terrorists." Pay the man: Trump said if you pay him money he will provide you with Navy ships to escort your oil tankers through the Straight of Hormuz. Have gun, will travel. And Texas Republican Dan "Patch" Crenshaw lost his primary. Bye bye Johnny B Goode. Kristi Noem faced the Congressional Judiciary Committee led by the feckless non lawyer Jim "What's homesexual rape?" Jordan. She sucked again like another session with "The Cock" Corey Lewandowski. She truly babbles like a sociopath. No victims, no apologies, and when in doubt blame someone else. California Democratic Congresswoman Kalmaga-Dove asked her if she was playing hide the sausage with Lewandowski and she refused to answer. Noem's husband was sitting behind her and look up the word "cuck" in your dictionary. Howard Nutlick and Miss Congeniality Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi have been supoenaed to testify next and perjury is no longer a crime. Kegsbreath told the press that reporting troops deaths make Poopy Diaper Donnie look bad.
On Thursday Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt blamed Uncle Joe Biden for us running out of weapons because he gave them to Ukraine. Kristi Noem and her hair extensions got fired by Cankles Caligula at 1:07 pm while she was in the middle of her giving a speech. Retired Air Force Colonel Mac Davis said Trump's war policy was like taking a shit in your pants and then going home and changing your shirt.The Wall Street Journal reported that our war on Iran is costing us one billion dollars a day. This ain't Monopoly money. The February jobs report was released and another 92,000 jobs were lost. The Golden Age! Apologists on Fox blamed it on bad weather.
On Friday Trump said our next country to conquer is Cuba. Barack Hussain Obama spoke at Jesse Jackson's funeral. Barack wasn't my favorite president, but he is a great orator.
Saturday was National Cereal Day. I'll take a large bowl of Marshmallow Mateys!
Trump released a video of war footage mixed with "Call of Duty" clips. Life is a video game! Trump told officials from Lockheed Martin and Raethon to make more missiles and we will pay them later. Scott "Open Casket" Bessent said Russia should sell oil to India and the day's tv highlight was seeing Mary Tyler Moore playing a saloon hooker on "Wanted Dead or Alive." Directed by Richard Donner. Orange Jesus said 90 percent of Americans support his wars. Bricks are heavy and Stag is a terribly underrated beer.
Then it was Sunday. Intercourse spring forward day. I lost an hour of sleep and Me TV didn't show "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea." But I was awake to watch "The Invaders." David Vincent knows the invaders are here!
Our first guest on "Meet The Press" was UN Ambassador Mike Waltz. Remember he's the dope that put Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg on the group chat during a military attack last spring. It was reported last week he is a frequent visitor to a website called "Big Dick Bottoms." I didn't make that up. Unfortunately Kristen Welker didn't ask him about that . Are we at war? He claimed we have destroyed the Iranian air force and navy. He took the stretch of blaming all of our trouble on Jimmy Carter. Dead men can't defend themselves. Our endgame is "unconditional surrender" and the War Powers Act is unconstitutional. Nobody tells Donnie Two Scoops what to do. Uncle Joe Biden and Barack Hussain Obama didn't have balls the size of watermelons like Pedophile Donnie. Trump doesn't back down. Just ask E Jean Carroll. The word of the day is decimated. The US military didn't blow up the school that killed 175 children and teachers. All of this is short term pain for long term gain. Think of doing laundry.
Next was the worthless tit and AIPAC spokesman Hakeem Jeffries. What a feckless douchbag he is. Is the world safer now? Am I better looking than I was 20 years ago? Drill baby drill! The Minority Leader is a worthless slapdick who talks with his hands. He couldn't answer a question even if it was true or false. He did say Kristi Noem is a habitual liar, but she has a possible career in senior citizen porn. No money for ICE was the only thing I could chill with him on. He talked about commen sense. We must vote for any Democratic nominee come hell or high water. Is Kamala Harris still relevant? Hakeem answered la,la,la. Thanks!
Our final guest was Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi. He was nattily attired in all black like Roy Orbison. Will the late Ayatollah's son be the new leader? When Darryl Hannah was asked what Jackson Browne did for kicks she answered "Beats me." Ditto for the Foreign Minister. Kristen tried to force words into his mouth but she failed. I don't mean to be harsh, but she's the most worthless host since David "Man of God" Gregory. The minister called Trump a liar. Ya think? The Man Who Looks Like Beef Jerky RFK Jr said Dunkin Donuts coffee had too much sugar and he can do more sit ups than you. In another example of science gone too far Johnsonville has introduced Dr Pepper flavored brats.
Why do packages of toilet paper always have pictures of bears or babies? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Are bears Catholic?