It's Sunday with Dan | 2024 July 21

I don't see how things could get any worse.
I'm so full of angst I could burst.
This downward trend has got to be reversed.
Seig heil, mofos, Amerika first!

~ The Gizmos, 1976 ~

 

Last week began with the conviction on all 18 counts of New Jersey Democratic Senator Bob "Auric Goldfinger" Menendez. Among the charges were bribery, influence peddling, extortion, and failure to properly wash his hands after picking his nose. His manly defense of "my wife did it" failed to sway the jury of his peers. In predictable political fashion, Menendez said despite the urging of others in his party he would not resign and everybody could kiss the gold bars he received from Egypt. 

 

Another man telling his critics to kiss off was the President of the United States, Uncle Joe Biden. The opportunistic California Democratic Representative Adam "Shifty" Schiff was followed by the Shadow Queen Nancy Pelosi and then Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries. "The President should consider what is best for the country" is just a polite way of telling Bob Seger to get out of Denver. As of this writing ol' Motorhead is battling covid and refusing to budge. As the Goddess Melania Trump would say "stay tuned." (News has broken...more to come) 

 

And last Monday Justice Eileen Cannon dismissed the Donald's stolen documents case by saying the appointment of Special Counsel Jack Smith was unconstitutional. This despite the fact we have 50 plus years precedence that it's legal. Trump celebrated by letting a sonic boom fart rip and then issuing a statement calling it a tremendous blow for American justice. Sure it is. And Steve Harvey is America's funniest tv personality. 

 

And all of that was just a precursor to the week long white trash spectacle that was the Republican National Convention. What made Milwaukee famous made a joke out of the Grand Old Party. As the cameras spanned the audience every night the favorite party game at my crib was " Spot the Negro." The crowd was so Caucasian you might have thought you were watching a classic rerun of "Hee Haw." 

 

Let's recap the madcap highlights. Both Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis and Nikki "The Velvet Hammer" Haley thoroughly debased themselves and endorsed the Mango Mussolini Donnie. We can take neither of them seriously anymore. And speaking of striking fashion accessories, what about that Stay Free Maxi Pad Donnie had taped to his ear all week? I didn't know which reference to use, Vincent Van Gogh or Evander Holyfield? And what a parade of Snickerdoodles at the podium. Every time Marjorie Traitor Greene flashed her forced grin she giggled into the microphone like her vibrating plug was kicking in. Matt Gaetz is America's newest botox disaster. He now looks like some cross between Herman Munster and Max Headroom. Speaking of botox, Donnie Jr's girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle looks like every inflatable doll you've ever seen. Eric Trump's wife Lara sent me scrambling to the stereo to play Blue Oyster Cult's "She's as Beautiful as a Foot." You are reminded that crooner and Bible salesman Lee Greenwood is a year older than Joe Biden. If you take steroids your entire adult life you too can look like Hulk Hogan (side effects may include a loss of mental capability and a shrinkage of genitalia). And Kid Rock still has no discernible talent. His musical performance consisted of yelling "Fight! Fight! Fight! Trump! Trump! Trump!" The bewildered white seniors in the crowd did a modified "I'm dancing to Bachman Turner Overdrive" shuffle. It was a sight to behold. 

 

I could go into detail waxing poetic about the introduction speeches by Donnie Jr and Eric, but suffice to say if you missed them consider yourself lucky. The pair of them carry the electricity and charisma of Ryan Seacrest. I actually shaved my own beard out of embarrassment. I was silently pulling for Elise "The Little Ball of Hate" Stefanik to be Trump's vice president pick, but instead he picked the fascist JD Vance instead. Vance has been in politics for 18 months and used to be a never Trumper until he realized that you gotta grovel before the pig to get anywhere in today's GOP. He came from humble beginnings but then, post Marine Corps duty in Iraq, went to Ohio State and Yale. Like any Yale graduate he speaks for the little man. He believes in a no exceptions abortion ban, but he doesn't talk about it because he knows it's political suicide in a general election. He bragged the his mom had 19 loaded pistols in their house growing up "just in case." And the crowd roared in laughter! But if you thought his speech went on too long then you weren't ready for the next night. 

 

For 93 minutes the Orange Jesus blathered his acceptance speech and it was not the advertised softer gentler Trump. He was supposed to be humbled after the failed assassination attempt of a week earlier, but how long did that last? 11 minutes on my clock. After saying that God saved his life because his work was not done, he conceded the Good Lord had decided that the firefighter and father of 2 setting behind him was outta luck. They then brought out the slain victim's fire helmet and jacket and used it for a tawdry prop for the entire rant. Trump fake kissed the helmet and then thanked his guests Jerry Lewis telethon style. "Jason Aldean is here. I like him. But I like his wife better." (Actual quote) Then it was straight into a  paint by the numbers Trump campaign speech. All of your favorite hits. Biden is the worst president ever. Inflation has never been this bad in history. We are on the verge of World War 3. Immigrants are all murderers, rapists, mentally ill, and insane. The only good immigrants are Slavic nude models like Melania (who made her first appearance in public in 7 months with a parade and standing ovation to the luxury box). He will open the concentration camps on day one and start drilling for oil in your front yard. You knew the Adderall had worn off when he went into his Hannibal Lechter story. Why did I endure this misery? Because it's my beat. I owe it to you, so you can spend your time doing better things. In short, meet the new Trump, same as the old Trump. 

 

The highlight of the entire week was having Republican Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders tell us from the podium that her son's name is Huck. How cruel to name your child Huck Huckabee. 

 

RIP the great Bob Newhart. Droll humor was never better. And his best pal was Don Rickles. How cool was that?

Deep in the heart of Texas, goodbye Tennessee. 

I wanna smoke cigars and hang around bars, my boots right up to my knees.

I'm gonna have a ball because I've seen it all on my color teevee.

~ Dave Edmunds ~