"The entire roof is built for military. They have a massive drone capacity. Not only is it drone proof, if a drone hits it, it bounces off, it won't have any impact. But it's also meant as a drone port that would protect all of Washington." - Donald F Trump on his Golden Ballroom 5-19-26
"She just watches television. She's not the same since she's been through a collision" - The Brains
Last Monday it was announced that the IRS reached a "settlement" with Daddy Dumpy Pants to give 1.776 billion dollars to people who suffered under the victimization of the previous Department of Justice. January 6th criminals rejoiced. The World Health Organization declared Ebola is now a worldwide outbreak. Trump called off the attack on Iran because Saudi Arabia told him to and another maniac went on a shooting spree at a Muslim center in San Diego. The shooter was "still active but contained," according to the police report. Mr October Reggie Jackson turned 80 years old.
On Tuesday the criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus and acting Attorney General Todd "Hamilton Burger" Blanche defended giving money to January 6th criminals and told CNN people get paid after assaulting police officers all the time. Smokey Eye Shady Vance said people are misunderstanding its intent, and the Department of Justice said the Dictatortot and his kids and companies will never have their tax returns released and never have to file again because he's a God. AIPAC and Trump endorsed Ed Gallrein beat incumbent Republican Congressman Thomas Massey in the Kentucky primary and spent 25 million dollars doing it.
On Wednesday Big Daddy Vladdy Putin hung out with China President Xi in Beijing and they signed trade and weapons deals, ate barbecued pork ribs, and drank Old Milwaukee tall boys. Mushroom Winkie wants the International Criminal Court abolished and wants Russia, China, and North Korea to join him. Whatever happened to the Board of Peace? The adjudicated rapist Donnie also said he was in no hurry to end his war in Iran and Miniature Marco Rubio said Cuba is in the crosshairs. Congenital liar and AG Todd Blanche said Raul Castro is charged with 7 criminal counts in a blatant attempt to court Cuban voters in Miami. Fidel's brother Raul is 96 years old and is in a wheelchair. He should be easy to catch in Havana. The victims of Jeffrey Epstein said Blanche lied under oath and bees make honey. Donnie said that one billion dollars is needed for security for the Golden Ballroom from our tax dollars and that he may next be the new Prime Minister of Israel. "I have a 99 percent approval rating there." And I'm 6 foot 7 inches tall.
On Thursday Sausage Fingers said he was going to build his arch because 100 years ago Congress passed a resolution saying it was okay so screw you. A court ruled that the Presidential Records Act must be followed while Melania's wallet was packing more boxes of sensitive information to send to the Roach Motel aka Mar-A-Lago. My Pillow Mike Lindell, Proud Boys leader Enrique "Sauve" Tarrio, and Michael "the traitor" Cohen all filed for Trump's retribution money. Your tax dollars at work! On CNBC Jeff Bezos said his pal Mango Mussolini is more mature and disciplined in his second term as Supreme God head. I dropped my beverage in laughter. Bezos also said the 75 million dollars he spent on "Melania: The Movie," which only made 17 million in box office and streaming was a "good investment." Pay to play, Bubba. The Department of Homeland Security overpaid for all of the warehouses they bought to turn into immigrant concentration camps, but that's okay because they were all owned by Trump and his cronies. Are Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski still boffing like chimpanzees? Both the Senate and House closed down until June because Moses Mike Johnson didn't have the votes to reject the War Powers Act and then Moses ran away from reporters and yelled "Touch not the anointed one!"
Thursday was also Cher's 80th birthday. That's 144 in dog years.
On Friday NATO met in Sweden and Pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio showed up and bootlicker Kevin Warsh was sworn in by the despicable Clarence Thomas as the new chairman of the Federal Reserve. Warsh said he would be fiercely independent while also doing anything the Man of Bronzer told him to do. Director of National Intelligence and Hindu surfer Tulsi Gabbard announced her retirement because her husband has bone cancer. I wish him well. Personal note for Tulsi: I will miss your pancake makeup and your Pepe Le Pew hair. Republican Senate candidate in Kentucky Andy Barr released an advertisement that said "It's not a sin to be white." Thank God. I'm as pale as Angel Soft toilet paper.
On Saturday the Department of Justice had all charges dropped against the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers. Cokehead Donnie Trump Jr got married again in the Bahamas to Miami socialite Bettina Anderson. She has a history of sleeping with rich men. Go figure. Rupert Murdoch's New York Post reported an Iranian assassin is gunning for Ivanka Trump when they should be going for her better half Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner. There was gunplay a half mile away from the White House. 30 shots were fired and the shooter and a pedestrian were shot by the crack Secret Service agents on the scene. The shooter is dead and the pedestrian is in critical condition. The shooter had "a history of mental issues." No shit. What happened to Trumpty Dumpty's health care plan? RFK Jr says take Flintstones vitamins. DJT said high gas prices were "peanuts," and before he refused to testify before Congress Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick gave the Republican National Committee 5 million dollars. No wonder woman beater James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer said it was totally cool. This is hip. Kilmar Abrego Garcia is a free man again thanks to an intelligent judge, and Nosferatu Stephen Miller is pig biting mad. The leaked peace agreement between Trump and Iran gives Iran 25 billion dollars, no restrictions on nuclear development, and control of the Strait of Hormuz. Now that's the art of the deal. We spent billions and told the world we are ignorant morons run by a syphilis-demented 80-year-old who's still falling asleep on television.
"Meet The Press" wasn't as good as the playoff hockey from last week. First was the aforementioned Thomas Massie. The beautiful but vapid Kristen Welker asked him about Iran. He answered we should get the hell out. He votes for the people, not the party. Massie voted with the red tie Cankles Caligula 92 percent of the time, but he was against the war and for the release of the Epstein files. Hence, he was marked for death. Kentucky voters are easily manipulated and he has inspired many others to fight the man. He did blow his own horn like Joe Lovano, but with America in crisis the Golden Ballroom is utter bullshit. He said we need freedom of speech and freedom from vaccination. I told you he was conservative. He said Todd Blanche is a liar. And then, as usual, Kristen asked him 3 times if he was going to run for president. He said he's hanging out with his peach trees and his cattle so talk to him later, alligator.
Next was the well-funded California Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna. How about a short-term deal with Iran? Ro said sure. How about the defeat of Massie? Ro said intercourse that. He then said Shady Vance is a clown. Should the Democrats change their election strategy? In classic politician fashion he answered yes and no. Is Democratic National Chairman Ken Martin a stooge? Kinda sorta! He said we need term limits for Supreme Court justices and we should expand the court to 13 people. He said the court now is the Dred Scott court and Martin Luther King is spinning like a Duncan yo-yo in his grave. Welcome to 1874!
Kevin Hart has a Taco Bell commercial and I'm glad Old Yellar has found work. The Mandalorian will endorse anything shy of Maxi Pads. We should all drop acid and go see "Masters of the Universe" while we wait for a GI Joe movie. Is David Hasselhoff too old to play the lead?
Don't forget the real meaning of Memorial Day. It ain't about the Secretary of Rape and fake Christianity Petey Kegsbreath.
RIP Barney Frank and Kyle Busch. No one was really satisfied about number 81.
The autopsy proved that Peter lied
but they could never find the gun
No one saw the note beside the body
Nobody knew the problem but my God
Suicide
~Thin Lizzy~