It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 26

"It's not the question I mind. It's your attitude! I think you are a terrible reporter! It's the way you ask these questions! Why? Do you know something I don't know!?"
Donald F Trump 7-22-26 to ABC News reporter Mary Bruce

"I can tell you the story of a vagabond" - Thin Lizzy

Last Sunday Taco Tits crashed the World Cup soccer championship and would not leave the celebratory stage until he was dragged off. 

On Monday it was Miami Vice as Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested and cuffed. They raped, trafficked, and abused women. The brothers are tight with Donnie Jr., Barron, and America's Worst Lawyer Alina Habba. It was revealed that not only is America out of gasoline but also weapons because the alcoholic rapist Petey Kegsbreath has "shot his wad." 

On Tuesday Trump announced tariffs on imported Canadian hockey sticks. America First! The babbling senile moron Susan Collins chaired the confirmation hearing for the ready Secretary of Scotch and Rape Petey Kegsbreath and I watched it for 4 hours until Mr Haney John F Kennedy came on. At that point I had to take a leak and find a baseball game on the satellite. The drunken rapist Petey blamed every thing bad in the world on Joe Biden and his "woke agenda." Fox News didn't air the hearing. Go figure. 

On Wednesday on Fox News the corpse that is Brit Hume said soldiers being killed in our "excursion" in Iran were not a problem, but the Republicans winning the midterm elections were serious. Go back to bed Dracula. The scumbag Steve Scalise Republican Congressman said on live television that voter ID was a no-brainer because you have to show a driver's license to get breadsticks at the Olive Garden. I didn't make that up. Donnie Two Scoops and the hard on with no place to go Petey Kegsbreath showed up at the dignified transfer of 4 soldiers and the hair spray and hair gel were in place for both of those evil people. Trump lied and said all of the 4 dead soldiers told him "Iran must not have a nuclear weapon." And my winkie is the size of a Johnsonville bratwurst. 

On Thursday the ultimate dipshit Donnie Jr was revealed by the New York Times as having made 3 billion dollars since his daddy became president, and his new wife is having sex with the pool boy like a rerun of "Melrose Place." The non-lawyer who refused to testify at the January 6th insurrection hearing Jungle Jim Jordan told Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche to investigate former presidential investigator Jack Smith, and Cankles Caligula called Gavin Newsom "Pinky Herman." 

On Friday the Department of War removed the names of the four recently killed because it was during a ceasefire. In my spare time I sleep. The ultimate golddigger Karoline Leavitt said the best thing about working for Stinky Donnie Trump was his sense of humor and his endless supply of Vienna Sausage. Trump spoke at the White House Correspondents Dinner and he was as funny as his underwear. 

Today was fresh coffee and "Meet the Press." Our first chowder-head was UN Ambassador Mike Waltz. The host Kristen Welker asked if the war in Iran was escalating and Mike answered, "Who knows?" Waltz then said we should trust everything Orange Jesus says and the moon is made of cream cheese. Much like the Christian rapist Petey Kegsbreath Waltz said every thing bad in the world is Joe Biden's fault. Every American soldier should expect to die and Frosted Flakes are the best nutritional food in Bangladesh. And selling nuclear secrets to Saudi Arabia is great because Eric Trump needs cigarette money. His best line of the interview was "We are in discussions." 

Democratic Senator Mark Kelly from Arizona was next and I have more hair than he does. Kelly said the country is out of money and weapons, but we do have an endless supply of "MASH" reruns. Kristen Welker asked if the butcher Bibi Netanyahu was a war criminal and Kelly answered "I love Israel!" And then Kristen did her usual. "Are you running for president?" At this point I was running for the toilet. Mark said, "Talk to me later." 

 

Forty days and forty nights. 

Like a ship out on the sea. 

It keeps raining all the time.

But the river's running dry.

~ Muddy Waters ~

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 19

"Most people should work a minimum of seven days a week."  

Republican Senator Rick Scott 7-16-2026

 

"Painful memories bring tears to my eyes" - The Inmates 

 

Last Wednesday, the breathless on the verge of tears, Senator Katie Britt told the gutless potential United States Attorney General Todd Blanche she admired his hair and that if she wasn't married to a former NFL football player she would bang him like a piano. The unfuckable Ted Cruz was also there and I threw up in my mouth. Blanche told America that he was "Trump's lawyer" and not a single Republican would say the adjudicated rapist lost the 2020 election to Uncle Joe Biden.

On Thursday the corpse of John Ashcroft vouched for Blanche and then returned to his coffin. David Vincent knows the invaders are here. Secretary of Scotch and Rape Petey Kegsbreath declared that every God fearing American serviceman over the age of 30 would be injected with testosterone so that they have porn actor boners. I didn't make that up.

Also on Thursday the Micro Penis Donnie gave a speech about he would be King forever, could never be arrested, and Melania was having sex for 2 thousand dollars an hour. Her phone number is BR 549. That's your Hee Haw reference for the week.

The ratings for Fox "News " have dropped by 43 percent in the last year and more old people are dying. As they say "Hmm..."

The official dumb shit DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin said every Democrat is going to be sent to prison or be fried like chicken in the electric chair. Markwayne is 5 foot nothing and wears his shirts 3 sizes too small so you would think he was Bill Bixby turning into the Hulk.

Today's " Meet the Press " was pre tempted by the final round of the British Open. I failed to make the cut after shooting 9 over after two days. The sand trap on 7 f ed me up.

In other news the Golden Corral is now airing commercials saying they are where:"Protein comes true!" The last time I was there I saw so many cattle I heard Gil Favor yell "Head 'em up! Move 'em out!"  

 

Forty days and forty nights
Since I sat right down and cried
Keep rainin' all the time

But the river is runnin' dry

~Muddy Waters~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 12

"I'm number one on Tic Tak. Taylor Swift is number eleven! Are you stupid!" 

Donald F Trump 7-8-26 

 

"I was born to gamble" - Bob Seger

 

On Monday the trial of Charlie Kirk's alleged assassin began. The beautiful Erica Kirk was there and she was crying,. And she was comforted by the King of Cocaine Donnie Trump Jr. She had a sausage sandwich for lunch. His father changed airplanes while in Europe because his new one from Qatar might leave him vulnerable to drone attacks and he couldn't send missile attacks to Iran . Tiny fingers did that once in the air on Air Force Three. He killed innocent people. 

On Wednesday our adjudicated rapist and Rico Suave told the world press we survived an attack of 110 missiles front the "Islamic Republic of Japan." Smokey Eye Shady Vance had sex with his left hand. 

On Thursday the living fossil Chuck Grassley filed a formal investigation into why the international playboy $Kash Patel bought a pair of BMW automobiles on our dime for his daily activities. He's not only hideous, he's also an incompetent dickweed. My ex girlfriend from 25 years ago wasn't that stupid. The airport in Palm Beach Florida is now named President Donald F Trump International Airport at a cost of 600 million dollars, and my winkie is still the same size. 

Late Saturday night the closeted gay Miss Lindsey Graham passed from choking on the sperm of Donnie Two Scoops. Bye bye Johnny. Don't speak ill of the dead. And don't forget to wipe your ass. The war rages on, your cost for groceries continues to rise, and farts are still funny. 

Today was the "God Bless Lindsey Graham " special edition of "Meet The Press " and the Mango Mussolini was on. He said "He wanted the SAVE act" to be passed right before he kicked the bucket. Then the war criminal Bennie Netanyahu came on followed by the fake liberal Adam Schiff and the more fake Ro Khanna. If you missed Tim Scott don't worry. So does his bought and paid for wife. 

Brittany Spears is still on a madcap adventure with Lindsey Lohan, and the Flash can still outrun Superman. Eric Fleming is the greatest actor ever and why can't you find butterscotch ice cream topping anymore? 

 

Dear Miss Lonely Hearts I've got problems. 

You're the only one I know that can solve them.

~Phil Lynott~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 July 05

 "Meet The Press" was a rerun BS episode. I had coffee and Fireball. It's the journalistic equivalent of strawberry frosted Pop Tarts. Host Kristen Welker was enjoying her weekend with her two surrogate babies and her millionaire husband.

 But it was a busy week and we have much to discuss.

"I know more about real estate than anyone in the world."  - Slumlord and adjudicated rapist Donnie"Tiny" Trump

"Money talks and bullshit walks" - Sammy Hagar 

 But it was a busy week and we have much to discuss. 

Last Sunday the fabulous America's State Fair was rained out and the 46 people wandering around were thrown out by uniformed ICE storm-troopers. How bad was it? Vanilla Ice pulled out. What does he do these days? Phone call for MC Hammer. "Can't Touch This." 

On Monday envoy Steve Witkoff cursed at Madeline Dean at a hearing on Capitol Hill and the fascist Supreme Court ruled that Donnie "Two Scoops" Trump couldn't deport every non Scandinavian lesbian porn model but that he also couldn't ban mail in voting. That is crucial for service men and women overseas, the disabled and elderly, and old slapdicks like me. Donnie "Mushroom Winkie" Trump gave himself, his family, and his bidness partners total immunity from all crimes and I won the showcase on "The Price Is Right." 

It was all Serena Williams Day at Wimbledon and she got her ass kicked. Her personal trainer said she had inflammation in her right knee. Between her and LeBron James I could care less. What happened to Doc "I pitched a no hitter on acid" Ellis? 

Meanwhile on Fox the lovely blonde bitch Laura Ingraham called Orange Jesus a living embodiment of every woman's dream and the Human Printer, 34 year old Natalie Harp was found by First Whore and Third Wife Melania giving her beloved bank account a knob shine in the Lincoln Bedroom. Melania left the room and made another movie. This one features a stunt penis disguised as Buddy Ebsen. 

The Fourth of July came and went and I still have all of my fingers. Don't play with matches, bottle rockets, or men named Gus - "Tips For Teens". 

If you did laundry and missed "Meet The Press," that's okey dokey. I watch so you don't have to. And if you're watching "The Championship" at Wimbledon look at all of the old white men with young women in push up bras. Go figure. What's in your wallet? 

 

I can tell in your face that I'm a total disgrace

You got no time for a damage case

~ Motörhead~

 

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 28

 "I know everything worked. Everything I have done has worked." - Donald F Trump 6-26-76

 "Because I'm a rocker!" - Thin Lizzy 

Last Monday it was revealed that closet dick lick Moses Mike Johnson has a higher crime and murder rate than New York City. Adjudicated rapist Mushroom Winkie fell asleep at a meeting in Europe and Smokey Eyed Shady Vance said he loves his couch buddy Uscha. The Supreme Court ruled that she should be deported. See ya, Toots! 

On Tuesday it was revealed that the 1776 million will be given to the criminals who attacked the US Capitol on January 6th. Great! Enrique Tarrio will now pay for sex!

Trump went to France and tried to feel up President Macron's blonde wife. It failed. Also the crashing of the B-52 over Europe that killed 8 people was ignored by Diaper Donnie because they were "suckers and losers." Ghislaine Maxwell has a pet dog at her golf course prison and Kelly Anne Conway is gargling .Dementia Donnie's love butter. $'Kash Patel's "girlfriend" sang again and the One Eyed dope got a stiff. She knows one song. Wow! Wake up next to that freak! 

In other news the war with Iran is not over and the Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath is still nailing fifths of Old Crow and raping Haitian waitresses. The Supreme Court ruled all black and brown people must be deported, and Karoline Leavitt returned after her 9tĥ baby! Her husband is 100 years old. But he's got money! Another face lift for KKK Caroline!

"Meet The Press" was two boring stiffs that wasted our time. Remind me to watch cartoons next Sunday. 

 

I'm going to hang around this town one more year. 

Playing on the weekends and at night time drink my beer.

~Counting Crows~

 

 

 

You may also visit the Rev at danhefner.substack.com   

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 21

 

Yesterday the adjudicated rapist Donnie F Trump said the ruined paint and algae in the reflecting "lake " was the result of sabotage and poisoning by members of the radical left lunatics and antifa. Me, you, and Philip Michael Thomas didn't know that. 

"I need me a safe cracker with a hundred pounds of TNT. I need me a safe cracker to open up your heart for me."  - The Hoodoo Rhythm Devils 

Last Sunday the Prime Minister of Pakistan said a peace deal had been reached between Sausage Fingers and the Ayatollah of Iran. And Lydia Lunch is the Queen of Siam. UFC turdbag won his fight at the White House by cold clocking his opponent in the second round. He was then interviewed by quisling Joe "Uncle Fester" Rogan and declared on Paramount Plus TV that Michelle Obama "was a man!" He asked the crowd if they agreed with him and 80 percent did. Not my crowd. 

On Monday the statistics were released and God's Chosen Liar Moses Mike Johnson, the missing Keebler elf, has a higher crime rate in his Louisiana district than New York City. The 60 day ceasefire deal was revealed and Mushroom Winkie folded like bed sheets out of the dryer. The billions of dollars spent and lives lost meant nothing. You can't out crazy people who are crazier than you. I tried that for a year with a girlfriend in 2001. Lessons learned. 

The Department of Revenge/Justice is investigating California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom and his wife for possible tax evasion and failure to spray their cat for fleas. Orange Jesus went to France for the G7 meeting. He got handsy with President Macron's blonde wife and told Macron the UFC trailer debacle the night before at the White House was "more important than the World Cup." Many people told him that. Or was it the voices in his pudding brain? 

Trump has nominated Smokey Eye Shady Vance to be the sacrificial lamb for the Iran deal. And Rapey McFraud said on July 4th he will hold the greatest Trump rally ever held on the ellipse. The Village People, Lee Greenwood, and Little Anthony and the Imperials will perform. Billy Ray Cyrus is busy combing his hair or else he'd be there for the free coney dogs and Pabst Blue Ribbons. An American B-52 crashed and all the passengers died. Cankles Caligula said nothing because if you die on a military plane you're a sucker and a loser.The homosexual rape cover up representative Jim Jordan led a delegation to visit Ghislaine Maxwell's celebrity prison and said the food was superb. Can I have more cottage cheese? With red pepper? 

On Tuesday the news broke that sex bomb One Eyed Kash Patel had a million-dollar slush fund to pay an elite "Revenge Squad " of FBI agents to break the legs of rats in the organization who spill the beans on his rampant alcoholism and Viagra use. Early Times has a stiffy. The taxpayers' bill for the Golden Ballroom is now 300 million. But we're cutting Social Security. Priorities kids! The Man of Bronzer gave a presser at the G7. I watched for an hour and a half and Holy God. No men in women's sports and no transgender for everyone. What happened to blonde Daughter of Christ Erika "buy me a cocktail " Kirk? She's a great an actress as Joan Crawford. Mascara King Shady Vance gave a press conference and he insulted reporters while laughing as he did it. Vance has all the charm of the cat passing gas in the elevator. Are farts lumpy? The Department of Revenge/Justice now has 3 other plans to sneak in the 1,776 million dollars for the Thug Fund because Enrique Tarrio and Stewart Rhodes need the money to pay for legal bills and porn. Do not rent "Grinding Grannies." The president of Italy called First Whore and Third Wife Melania Trump a liar. By the way Marshmallow Mateys are a great, nutritious cereal. In milk or out of the bag like Cracker Jacks! 

Today in Switzerland JD Vance, Miniature Marco Rubio, real estate broker Steven Witkoff, and Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner are negotiating the peace deal with Iran. This isn't even the junior varsity team. We are getting screwed and it's not even fun. Unfortunately in MAGA Hillbilly Heaven this morning, "Meet the Press" was basically not on. It was time for Doppler Radar. It appears 2 1/2 hours north there was a fossil cloud in Possum Holler and strong winds in Who Gives A Shit, Missouri. I stopped taking notes and grabbed a cup of Joe with a side of Jim Beam. Oh well. It was bought and paid for Senator Corey Booker and former Trump Secretary of Defense under his first term. Booker is a fake liberal and the former Secretary of Defense said he didn't know about the "peace deal " with Iran. F me running! I'd rather hear your opinions. It rained at my penthouse apartment for 17 minutes and my record collection is intact. 

In sports news the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup and the New York Knicks are the NBA champions. 

"Toy Story 5" premiers in 2 weeks and the Supergirl movie looks like a stinker in its previews. 

Jimmy Kimmel is on vacation for two months but I'll still be on duty. 

Rupert Murdoch bought Roku, and you could win a dream date with "Box of Wine" Jeanine Pirro. 

 

Well it sounds like a long song coming buddy, listen, buddy

We got better things to listen to.

~Bob Seger~

 

**********

 

You may also visit Dan at danhefner.substack.com  

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 14

 

"I love this inflation. The numbers are great!" - Donald F Trump 6-10-2026 

"Why would I pay for something that I don't even want for free." - Hydra

What a week. Grab a beverage. 

Last Sunday Israel fired missiles into Beirut. Iran fired missiles into Israel. Rapey McFraud was pissed. 

On Monday Woozy Winks went to the New York Knicks playoff game at Madison Square Garden. A 5 block radius was closed and the Secret Service closed off all the block parties in the area. Why does a presidential motorcade need 8 vehicles? The Knicks lost for the first time since April. Diaper Donnie stuffed his ravenous pie hole with french fries and pizza, then slept through the second and third quarters, and he was booed during the National Anthem. His disgusting granddaughter Kai almost cried, but that would require emotion besides greed. Trump’s new blonde doll baby Natalie Harp was there and we need odds on her becoming wife number four. She's no Stephanie Clifford aka Stormy Daniels. Fox edited out the boos and inserted USA chants. Fair and balanced. The budget for ICE and Border Patrol is now larger than that of the Russian military. Jeffrey Epstein's moll and fixer Leslie Groff told woman beater James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer she had no idea Epstein was scum and she never saw him do anything wrong or rude. Former MTV reality actor Spencer Pratt lost in the mayoral primary in Los Angeles and Sausage Fingers said it was rigged. While Full Depends attended the basketball game American military pilots were floating in the ocean after their helicopter was shot down by an Iranian drone. The adjudicated rapist didn't care. 

Also on Tuesday attention whore Nancy Mace came in fifth in the South Carolina governor primary and will soon model her augmented breasts at Bennie's Boom Boom Room. A lap dance will cost extra. The only survivor in the GOP who voted for the release of the Epstein files is handsy Lauren Boebert. Courts ruled that Donnie's name be removed from the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. We can kiss the marble armrests Trumpty Dumpty was going to install on our dime goodbye. Before he was assassinated Charlie "Prove Me Wrong" Kirk was told by Orange Jesus to cancel his talk about releasing the Epstein files. After Graham Plantner won his primary for the Senate in Maine Mormon Senator Mike Lee said, "Hitler is happy." Hey! I thought Platner was a Socialist, not a Nazi. Trump said we had sent 22 ships through the Strait of Hormuz because it was at night and they had their lights off. Bill Gates testified in another closed door session on the Hill and said Jeffrey Epstein tried to blackmail him. Gates was reportedly not open and combative. 

On Thursday the Pentagon was put under lock-down due to an "air quality issue." Secretary of War, Rape, and Scotch Petey Kegsbreath showed up in the bag and hurled all over the floor. US Attorney Jay Clayton was nominated by Diaper Donnie to be the new Director of National Intelligence and Clayton immediately began crowing about election fraud in California. Sleep tight tonight! 

On Friday the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act expired and the ability of the Feds to spy on you will now be more difficult. Damn. SpaceX was put on the stock market and the initial sales made Elon "Failed Penile Implant" Musk the world's first trillionaire. But still the Johnny Appleseed of sperm refuses to pay child support. 19 and counting. Gwenyth Paltrow is now making advertisements for condos in Isreali captured lands in Gaza. Skyscrapers on graves. Trump's renovated reflective pool is now filled with algae. King Midas in reverse. 

On Sunday this day in history is Flag Day, the first anniversary of the No Kings protests, and Donnie turns 80 years old. With the privates of a 3 year old. Today "under God" was added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954. Sorry if you're a Muslim. 

It was now time for coffee and "Meet the Press." Our first guest was corporate Democrat Hakeem Jeffries. He's bought and paid for by Wall Street and AIPAC. He's a liberal, not. Trump says a peace deal with Iran is near and it's a " memorandum of understanding." This is like "concepts of a plan." We had a peace plan but Trump hates Barack Hussain Obama so he got rid of it. Iran is now stronger and America is less safe. Will the Democrats flip seats in November in the House! Hakeem said that was easy peasy. The top one percent of Americans have 31 percent of the money, and the rest of us are eating crumbs off the table. I like mine with chips and French onion dip. How do you know if an onion is French? By the way it kisses. The American Dream is just that. A dream. If Hakeem was a beverage he'd be Coke Zero. And like all New Yorkers he has a stiff for the champion Knicks. 

Next was a double header of Baptist ministers and senators. Republican James Lankford from Dwight Twilley's Oklahoma reminds me that more people would be atheists if they had holidays. Most news is social media scuttle butt, and we can't let Iran fund terrorism. The World Cup is a threat to American safety, and Jay Clayton is a stud that everybody likes. All elections will be decided by the voters and Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico wants open borders and more crime. And you thought Moses Mike Johnson was God's Chosen Liar. 

Then there was an advertisement for Avstedo. It will control your body quivers but it also leads to suicidal thoughts. Take the bitter with the sweet, buttercup. 

Finally it was Baptist minister number two Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia. He has a new book. He said the Supreme Court sucks. He said Mushroom Winkie is taking America to the bottom and ain't it great? As far as character goes in politicians, we all need to check ourselves. Stay away from mirrors. The mirror doesn't lie unless you're Demi "No Wrinkles " Moore. The Republicans will interfere with the elections in November. Ask blonde bombshell Tina Peters from Colorado. And again the beautiful Kristen Welker asked her favorite question. Will Raphael run for president? Three times as always and she is such a one trick pony. The answer was "No, no, and no." He then had to talk about kitchen table issues. My kitchen table issue is it's your turn to wash the dishes and I'll take a beer while you're up. 

Trump is going to the G 7 meeting in France so breathe through your mouth not your nose. 

RIP Gene Shalit. 

Another season of "Big Brother " begins July 19th and Julie Chen is still married to sexual harasser Leslie Moonves because he pays her. In every dream home a heartache. 

Now the same MAGA ass-hats who ruined CBS News will buy CNN and Kaitlyn Collins will be fired. Donnie says she never smiles. 

 

The power crazy leaders
Who control your very fate 
They would twist your will
Steal your life and sell your soul away
If you're drifting or wandering lost
You're the perfect target for the double cross

~MC5~

 

********** 

 

You may also visit Dan at danhefner.substack.com 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 June 07

"I never listen to the fake news Mafia." - $Kash Patel at the press conference with criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus Todd Blanche

Last Tuesday the pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio told senators on Capitol Hill that the war with Iran was over and he had never seen Daddy Dumpy Pants fall asleep at a televised meeting. The IRS must still agree never to audit the adjudicated rapist Donnie, his family, companies, and friends for eternity. The new director of National Intelligence will be nepo baby and hatchet man Bill "Bad Haircut" Polte. Rock stupid DHS director Markwayne Mullin declared he was the boss of the World Cup soccer tournament and get ready to fill up the concentration camps. The Pentagon hired a January 6th criminal to become the new head of counter terrorism. He's 22 years old and is masturbating as I write this. Sausage Fingers said that he's keeping the UFC ring up on the White House lawn post debacle because "many people say it's beautiful." The House passed the War Resolution Act and now it moves to the Senate. Don't worry, President Candy Pants will veto it between naps. Polte announced he was going to expose election fraud. There is a goblin in my closet. 

On Thursday John Bolton agreed to plead guilty in his declassified documents charges to avoid 20 years in prison. Wimp. On Friday the House passed more aid to Ukraine and more sanctions on Russia. The Man of Bronzer shit his Depends again. Babe Magnet Donnie went to Wisconsin and told farmers they never had it better and asked if their underage daughters are hot? The transcripts of Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi about Jeffrey Epstein were released, and like Frank Nitti, she pleaded the fifth and refused to answer all questions. What a dry hump that was. The Wall Street Journal reported that corporations that contributed to Trump's Golden Ballroom have received 50 billion in government contracts. That's called both corruption and a smart investment. I'll pay you Thursday for a cheeseburger today. Another huge funding bill was given to ICE and Border Patrol because although masks are cheap tasers, billy clubs, and 45 automatic pistols aren't. The surgically reconstructed Ivana Trump and Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner bought an island off the coast of Albania. They are going to build condominiums, casinos, and whorehouses. Ivanka said it was a manifestation of her dreams and those of every American. She didn't consult me or you. 

On Saturday the 100th day of the Iranian War commenced with the launching of 100 Iranian ships in the Strait of Hormuz. And the rerun of "The Wild Wild West" featured a trained monkey assassin. After another great Stanley Cup hockey game that went double overtime (reasons to get stoned) it was time for coffee and "Meet the Press." 

Today's guest was Dictatortot Donnie Trump. There was a John Deere tractor in the background. The immigrants weren't eating the cats and the dogs, but it was raining cats and dogs. Like thunder and lightning. Damn it's so exciting. It hits you like a hammer. Trumpty Dumpty said we are not in a war but a military exercise. He told the same old lies about how we have destroyed Iran. No matter how it peters out, we win. "I don't think about it." Our troops are very safe. The stock market is roaring and if Iran doesn't bend over and grab its ankles, we will drop The Bomb. The syphilis-induced dementia cat has his finger on the Nuclear Football. That's fucking great. Every president before him was a pussy. He told stories of dismemberment for no reason. His favorite answer was "I don't want to tell you that." 7 minutes into the interview he used the term "fake news." "Nuclear dust" is a cute term and many people like it. He insulted Kristen Welker several times and said, "You are either crooked or stupid." "People live with inflation." Tell me about it, pal. He said growth is the greatest thing ever. Ask his waistline, not his winkie. Should we give money to the January 6th criminals? Yeah baby! Then he broke out his favorite term: "radical left lunatics." The storm got worse. Mister Bad Makeup got pissed off, threw off his microphone, and lunged out of the room with all of the intensity of the mummy in the "Jonny Quest" episode. Why would I pay for something that I don't even want for free? 

Pink is hosting the Tony awards tonight and she's an international superstar. I didn't know that. 

Mindy Kaling was on "Sunday Today," and she's as fascinating as a can of Spaghetti O's. But her bank account is better than mine so what do I know? 

 

Uptown downtown acting just like you should 

Even if you play their game it won't do you no good 

There's too many creeps out there hungry for your blood, yes they are 

They put you down when you are not around, drives you insane

~The Saints~

 

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | (Tuesday Edition) 2026 June 02

"Now you can't boo me. I'm the Vice President of the United States." JD Vance 5-28-26 

"I am the warrior. I deliver the fatal blow." Thin Lizzy 

A week ago last Monday the United States decided to resume missile attacks on Iran. 

Last Tuesday Pervert Hoover took another physical exam at Walter Reed hospital and, of course, he's in Batman tip top shape. And he passed his fourth cognitive test delivering another perfect score. He declared himself a genius. ICE ran wild in New Jersey and Democratic Senator Andy Kim was pepper-sprayed. The contemptible Megyn Kelly said he should have stayed home. Diaper Donnie canceled a cabinet meeting at Camp David and in the Texas primary the corrupt Ken Paxton defeated the old school incumbent John Cornyn. The $10 million Trump stole from the Treasury to give to the Board of Peace has mysteriously disappeared. Will Cain on Fox and Greg Kelly on Newsmax have made it to the finals of the stupidest conservative television host competition. One Eyed Kash Patel fired the FBI analyst who investigated the shooting years ago of Republican Congressman Stece Scalise. Trump held another televised cabinet meeting at the White House and made up statistics to let us know we are living in the land of chicken and honey. He calls the war in Iran a "conflict" and says that Smokey Eye Shady Vance reminds him of Eliot Ness. Oh yeah. Vance reminds me of Poppin' Fresh with a beard. Trumpty Dumpty said we have 64 percent of the world's oil and Iran would use nuclear weapons immediately if they had them. I'd be a better dancer if I didn't have 2 left feet. Prices will soon be the lowest ever on oil. Trump is so brave in the face of assassination attempts. And, contrary to the facts, this will be the most successful World Cup ever. Orange Jesus said all ICE protesters are fake and paid agitators. DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin said our concentration camps aren't "the Holiday Inn." Economic advisor Kevin Hassett said, "Grocery stores shouldn't close down because of stupid rules about refrigerators." 

Last Thursday all hell broke out in Eastern Europe and the Middle East. Cankles Caligula said when we attack Iran it's strictly "defensive," so the ceasefire is still on. The Department of Justice/Revenge accused the rape victim E Jean Carroll of perjury. The Freedom USA 250 celebration announced its musical lineup and people laughed out loud. Markwayne Mullin announced he's hiring his wife as a special assistant at a salary of $130,000 a year. It's leaked that the Pentagon has ground invasion plans for Cuba in keeping with Trump's promise of no new wars. Russia fired missiles into Romania and there wasn't a peep out of NATO nor America. A mere day later 7 of the 9 musical acts scheduled for Trump's Freedom Concert canceled. Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi went to the Hill and in a closed door hearing said Todd Blanche was in charge of the Jeffrey Epstein investigation and she wouldn't answer any questions about Old Purple Hands. "What about the Dow?!" CBS is showing the UFC fights at the White House on Trump's birthday and who will watch? A judge in Virginia blocked the Thug Funds for January 6th criminals for 2 weeks until they can be reviewed more. It was also ruled Trump's name must be removed from the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and Trump said, "Kiss his cottage cheese ass." He washes his hands of the entire endeavor. 

On Saturday Trump said he was in no hurry to end his war and that high gas prices are worth it for world safety. Suck it up, Buttercup! 

Yesterday on Monday Trump's physical results were finally released: he weighs 238 pounds and his purple hands are a result of daily aspirin taking and "vigorous handshaking." He also has the heart of a 66 year old in his 80 year old body. 

Sunday was once again "Meet The Press," and what a thrill. First was former Vice President Mike Pence. The Race Bannon look a like has a book out. Great. Mikey said Depends Donnie is more popular than the radical left. Unfortunately he said the populist right is favoring big government and that's a big nay nay. Right to life is good and isolationism is bad. Abortion pills are dangerous and bad and he used the phrase "God fearing" more than once. Do we move beyond Trump? Pence didn't know. Like every guest on the show Kristen Welker asked if he would run for president. Pence said nope. 3 times. Does Miniature Marco beat Vance for the nomination? Pence didn't have a clue. If politicians were beverages Pence would be buttermilk. 

Next was Kentucky Governor Democrat Andy Breshear. He quoted the Bible and said the Democratic Party needs to move to the middle. He wants a "fix the country amendment," whatever that is. If Pence is buttermilk then Breshear is Pepsi. He ain't Coca Cola. Is he going to run for president! Do you have a single new question, Kristen? He's not talking. 

Just now Attorney General Todd Blanche said they are abandoning the January 6th cash payouts. Don't believe a word because words can tell lies. 

RIP Sonny Rollins, Bob Hoerner, and Claude Lemiuex. 

Tonight on TV, do I watch the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals, the primary results in 6 states, or "Farmer Needs a Wife?" 

Lipstick on your collar is going to tell on you. 

Lipstick on your collar shows you were untrue. 

Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through. 

Because lipstick on your collar is going to tell on you.

~Connie Francis / The Saints~

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 24

 

"The entire roof is built for military. They have a massive drone capacity. Not only is it drone proof, if a drone hits it, it bounces off, it won't have any impact. But it's also meant as a drone port that would protect all of Washington." - Donald F Trump on his Golden Ballroom 5-19-26

"She just watches television. She's not the same since she's been through a collision" - The Brains   

Last Monday it was announced that the IRS reached a "settlement" with Daddy Dumpy Pants to give 1.776 billion dollars to people who suffered under the victimization of the previous Department of Justice. January 6th criminals rejoiced. The World Health Organization declared Ebola is now a worldwide outbreak. Trump called off the attack on Iran because Saudi Arabia told him to and another maniac went on a shooting spree at a Muslim center in San Diego. The shooter was "still active but contained," according to the police report. Mr October Reggie Jackson turned 80 years old. 

On Tuesday the criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus and acting Attorney General Todd "Hamilton Burger" Blanche defended giving money to January 6th criminals and told CNN people get paid after assaulting police officers all the time. Smokey Eye Shady Vance said people are misunderstanding its intent, and the Department of Justice said the Dictatortot and his kids and companies will never have their tax returns released and never have to file again because he's a God. AIPAC and Trump endorsed Ed Gallrein beat incumbent Republican Congressman Thomas Massey in the Kentucky primary and spent 25 million dollars doing it. 

On Wednesday Big Daddy Vladdy Putin hung out with China President Xi in Beijing and they signed trade and weapons deals, ate barbecued pork ribs, and drank Old Milwaukee tall boys. Mushroom Winkie wants the International Criminal Court abolished and wants Russia, China, and North Korea to join him. Whatever happened to the Board of Peace? The adjudicated rapist Donnie also said he was in no hurry to end his war in Iran and Miniature Marco Rubio said Cuba is in the crosshairs. Congenital liar and AG Todd Blanche said Raul Castro is charged with 7 criminal counts in a blatant attempt to court Cuban voters in Miami. Fidel's brother Raul is 96 years old and is in a wheelchair. He should be easy to catch in Havana. The victims of Jeffrey Epstein said Blanche lied under oath and bees make honey. Donnie said that one billion dollars is needed for security for the Golden Ballroom from our tax dollars and that he may next be the new Prime Minister of Israel. "I have a 99 percent approval rating there." And I'm 6 foot 7 inches tall. 

On Thursday Sausage Fingers said he was going to build his arch because 100 years ago Congress passed a resolution saying it was okay so screw you. A court ruled that the Presidential Records Act must be followed while Melania's wallet was packing more boxes of sensitive information to send to the Roach Motel aka Mar-A-Lago. My Pillow Mike Lindell, Proud Boys leader Enrique "Sauve" Tarrio, and Michael "the traitor" Cohen all filed for Trump's retribution money. Your tax dollars at work! On CNBC Jeff Bezos said his pal Mango Mussolini is more mature and disciplined in his second term as Supreme God head. I dropped my beverage in laughter. Bezos also said the 75 million dollars he spent on "Melania: The Movie," which only made 17 million in box office and streaming was a "good investment." Pay to play, Bubba. The Department of Homeland Security overpaid for all of the warehouses they bought to turn into immigrant concentration camps, but that's okay because they were all owned by Trump and his cronies. Are Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski still boffing like chimpanzees? Both the Senate and House closed down until June because Moses Mike Johnson didn't have the votes to reject the War Powers Act and then Moses ran away from reporters and yelled "Touch not the anointed one!" 

Thursday was also Cher's 80th birthday. That's 144 in dog years. 

On Friday NATO met in Sweden and Pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio showed up and bootlicker Kevin Warsh was sworn in by the despicable Clarence Thomas as the new chairman of the Federal Reserve. Warsh said he would be fiercely independent while also doing anything the Man of Bronzer told him to do. Director of National Intelligence and Hindu surfer Tulsi Gabbard announced her retirement because her husband has bone cancer. I wish him well. Personal note for Tulsi: I will miss your pancake makeup and your Pepe Le Pew hair. Republican Senate candidate in Kentucky Andy Barr released an advertisement that said "It's not a sin to be white." Thank God. I'm as pale as Angel Soft toilet paper. 

On Saturday the Department of Justice had all charges dropped against the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers. Cokehead Donnie Trump Jr got married again in the Bahamas to Miami socialite Bettina Anderson. She has a history of sleeping with rich men. Go figure. Rupert Murdoch's New York Post reported an Iranian assassin is gunning for Ivanka Trump when they should be going for her better half Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner. There was gunplay a half mile away from the White House. 30 shots were fired and the shooter and a pedestrian were shot by the crack Secret Service agents on the scene. The shooter is dead and the pedestrian is in critical condition. The shooter had "a history of mental issues." No shit. What happened to Trumpty Dumpty's health care plan? RFK Jr says take Flintstones vitamins. DJT said high gas prices were "peanuts," and before he refused to testify before Congress Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick gave the Republican National Committee 5 million dollars. No wonder woman beater James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer said it was totally cool. This is hip. Kilmar Abrego Garcia is a free man again thanks to an intelligent judge, and Nosferatu Stephen Miller is pig biting mad. The leaked peace agreement between Trump and Iran gives Iran 25 billion dollars, no restrictions on nuclear development, and control of the Strait of Hormuz. Now that's the art of the deal. We spent billions and told the world we are ignorant morons run by a syphilis-demented 80-year-old who's still falling asleep on television. 

"Meet The Press" wasn't as good as the playoff hockey from last week. First was the aforementioned Thomas Massie. The beautiful but vapid Kristen Welker asked him about Iran. He answered we should get the hell out. He votes for the people, not the party. Massie voted with the red tie Cankles Caligula 92 percent of the time, but he was against the war and for the release of the Epstein files. Hence, he was marked for death. Kentucky voters are easily manipulated and he has inspired many others to fight the man. He did blow his own horn like Joe Lovano, but with America in crisis the Golden Ballroom is utter bullshit. He said we need freedom of speech and freedom from vaccination. I told you he was conservative. He said Todd Blanche is a liar. And then, as usual, Kristen asked him 3 times if he was going to run for president. He said he's hanging out with his peach trees and his cattle so talk to him later, alligator. 

Next was the well-funded California Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna. How about a short-term deal with Iran? Ro said sure. How about the defeat of Massie? Ro said intercourse that. He then said Shady Vance is a clown. Should the Democrats change their election strategy? In classic politician fashion he answered yes and no. Is Democratic National Chairman Ken Martin a stooge? Kinda sorta! He said we need term limits for Supreme Court justices and we should expand the court to 13 people. He said the court now is the Dred Scott court and Martin Luther King is spinning like a Duncan yo-yo in his grave. Welcome to 1874! 

Kevin Hart has a Taco Bell commercial and I'm glad Old Yellar has found work. The Mandalorian will endorse anything shy of Maxi Pads. We should all drop acid and go see "Masters of the Universe" while we wait for a GI Joe movie. Is David Hasselhoff too old to play the lead? 

Don't forget the real meaning of Memorial Day. It ain't about the Secretary of Rape and fake Christianity Petey Kegsbreath. 

RIP Barney Frank and Kyle Busch. No one was really satisfied about number 81. 

 

The autopsy proved that Peter lied 

but they could never find the gun 

No one saw the note beside the body

Nobody knew the problem but my God

Suicide

~Thin Lizzy~

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 17

"I don't think about America's financial situation" Donald F Trump 5-13-26

"We're pain. We're steel. A plot of knives" - Blue Öyster Cult

Last Tuesday Taco Tits fell asleep again at a televised press conference at the White House because women were speaking. 60 million dollars were spent on Trump mobile phones and now, over 18 months later, not one has been sent. By the way there are no refunds. Sorry boys! 

Depends Donnie went to China and spent the entire trip with President Xi's balls in his mouth. The Secretary of Commerce Howard Nutlick's congressional deposition was finally released and he refused to answer every question about Orange Jesus and Jeffrey Epstein. He's not a kiss-and-tell type. Neither was Loni Anderson. 

Also on Thursday the charismatic Smokey Eye Shady Vance addressed a crowd of 137 people in Maine and it lasted 8 minutes. He invented a sick person and screamed "Is there a doctor in the house?" I didn't make that up. He did say people on welfare drive Lamborghinis and eat rib eye steaks 7 days a week. Shady Vance has all the charm and magnetism of a clogged toilet. And he's one of 49 men who have slipped the pork to Erica Kirk. What's that smell? It was revealed that the bug-eyed baboon $Kash Patel swam at Pearl Harbor, and we paid for it. I'm glad he finally got his winkie wet. Not from his "girlfriend." $Kash has also been rigging the FBI's 10 most wanted list by arresting petty criminals and saying they were rapists, pedophiles, bank robbers, and Islamic terrorists. Cocaine addict Larry Kudlow said on his Fox show that high gas prices didn't bother him, but the price of Slovakian hookers does. The most successful prostitute in America Melania Trump won't do him for a sawbuck. Southwest Border Patrol commander Mike Banks resigned saying he wanted to spend more time with his family. It turns out he was having sex with prostitutes overseas and bragging about it to his underlings. Pappy has a boner. The unfuckable Jesse Watters said on "The Five" on Fox that if negroes want more elected politicians they should have more children. Actual quote: "You want the seats then get in the sheets." Jesse needs to be pistol whipped by Lee Marvin in an episode of "M Squad." Look for that tv show and get stoned! 

Also on Friday we found out Dictatortot made 750 million dollars on the stock market in the first quarter of this year. It's request hour and I want to hear "Mister Lucky" by John Lee Hooker. The punk Markwayne Mullin was told by Nosferatu Stephen Miller to be more violent and aggressive with ICE, so don't answer the door if it's unexpected. Lazy Lester "The Same Thing Could Happen to You." On Air Farce One the adjudicated rapist Donnie told a reporter from the New York Times he was a fake person and BBC, CNN, and ABC were all liars. Big Daddy Vladdy Putin is visiting President Xi in China as I write this. What do you think they are doing? They are not watching new episodes of "Sheriff Country." 

Saturday saw the loss of Republican Senator Bill Cassidy in his primary to a man who swallowed Mushroom Winkie's love butter. Danny Partridge: "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck it must be a duck." 

After a week of exciting NHL hockey it was time for "Meet the Press." First was the gorgeous Lindsay Graham. As usual he was liquored up and lathered down. He told the beautiful but vapid Kristen Welker that Donnie is the king and tariffs are the best thing since pizza delivery. Lindsay then said we should bomb the living bejesus out of the "death circle" in Iran. He then said the United States is at the 10-yard line in the war. Do we go with the flanker reverse of the quick out to the tight end? 

Next was Democratic Senator Chris Van Hollen from Maryland. His option for Iran is get the hell out. If you're in a hole stop digging. We could spend that money on school lunches, health insurance, and another statue of Melania Trump. He then said $Kash Patel is a drunken little turd who never made the cool kids club. But he then said the GOP is the "cult of personality." Like Mussolini and Gandhi. 

Then it was former FBI director James Comey. Like Porter Wagoner he's a tall drink of water. He's not my flavor of political bourbon, but I admire his moxie and the cut of his jib. He said Sausage Fingers Trump could bite his crank and as a private citizen he can say whatever he wants to. It's called the First Amendment for a reason kids. He's just written his fourth book of murder fiction so he's on the tour. Hey, a cat needs cigarette change. 

Robert Downey Jr now makes commercials and says, "All I watch is News Nation." Obviously he's back on the vodka and blow. 

The mouth of idiocy Katie Miller said having babies is peak feminism. Are you pissing on me? 

President Xi said America is in total decline but Donnie said those were the years under Uncle Joe Biden. 

 

Bricks are heavy. 

 

I looked for trouble and I found it, son
Straight down the barrel of a lawman's gun
I tried to run but I don't think I can
You make one move and you're a dead man, friend

You know the story about the jailhouse rock
Don't want to do it, but just don't get caught...

~Waylon Jennings~

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 10

 "She's a bitch!" - Donald F Trump 5-8-26 to ABC News reporter Rachel Scott

"Too many people arguing about nothing at all" - Mott the Hoople 

 Last Monday Rudy Guiliani was hospitalized with a severe case of pneumonia. Doctors immediately ordered a fifth of Old Crow and a knob shine from a Peruvian hooker. It was also National Bird Day so yours truly stepped out on the balcony and flipped two for the world. Dementia Donnie held another press conference and said he had just passed his 45th cognitive exam. He is more intelligent than Lex Luthor. Woman beater James Comer said Pammy Jo Bondi would not testify on film and before Democrats because she's "special." 

On Tuesday the MAGA party put a billion dollars for The Golden Ballroom into the budget bill. It appears they need extra seats for the plastic surgeons to make every woman look like Laura Sanchez Bezos. What rhymes with slut? Orange Jesus said we are not in a war, that he started, with Iran. It's a "skirmish." Miniature Marco Rubio held a press conference and no one gave a flip. Operation Epic Fury is over, and America's Favorite Rapist said the Pope is endangering people across the world. My duck wears boxers. 

On Wednesday Project Freedom began and it ended one day later because Saudi Arabia told Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner to have Intercourse with a Pontiac. Maniac John Fetterman is being seduced by the breathless senator Katie Britt to become a Republican and she tried to find his winkie beneath his oversized hoodie. Howard Nutlick went to the House Oversight Committee and refused to answer questions and James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer said it was okey dokey. JD Vance told a crowd of 83 people in Ohio that all immigrants are scum, except for Porn Model Melania Trump. And now we know One Eyed Kash Patel has his own brand of whiskey that he bottles and brands and we fucking pay for it. Economic advisor Kevin Hassett told Daisy Duck Maria Bartiromo on Fox that the economy is great because credit card debt is at an all time high. They call me Mister Lucky. The Department of Homeland Security will no longer investigate beatings and rapes in immigrant prisons because those people deserve it. The murderer Kyle Rittenhouse was bitten by a brown recluse spider and immediately made a video of himself with his shirt off. Just my opinion, but I think he should wear a C cup bra. Can you say "yam tits?" Marco Rubio met the Pope because Smokey Eye Shady Vance was busy pounding his pud and the Department of Revenge released a fake suicide note from Jeffrey Epstein. The Palm Beach Airport was renamed after the Mango Mussolini and I wash my underwear twice just to be careful. Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt popped her second child and it's great to know that when the kid turns 10 Daddy will be 73. Who really was the sperminator? Ron Jeremy? The man known as Rapey McFraud has lifted all sanctions on Russia to ease the flow of oil and fertilizer and to give Big Daddy Vladdy Putin more money to bomb Ukraine. The Supreme Court of Virginia voted 4 to 3 to overrule the public vote and make every fucking congressional seat MAGA. Thank you Jesus! 

Today was the fabulous Mother's Day edition of "Meet The Press." First was Energy Secretary Chris Wright. Wow! He has hair like Race Bannon on "Jonny Quest." He told us Iran could have blown up the world had not the bold actions of the drunken rapist Petey Kegsbreath and Raisin Bran Caine told Donnie "Where's my penis?" Trump to "Kill Bill." He lied like me coming home late to my mother and Kristen "Worthless" Welker didn't fact-check his ass and didn't have a single follow-up question. I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. But Chris did call it the Gulf of America! And oil is everywhere! Great. Pass the dutchie. Democratic Senator Cory Booker was next and it's great to see an articulate bought and paid for shill who pretends to be a liberal. He talks it but he doesn't walk it. Think of fashion model Gavin Newsom. He's so full of himself I'm surprised he can walk. Then we had governors Wes Moore and Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I immediately grabbed another shot. Wes is a smiling bland dumbass, and Sarah wears a pork chop around her neck so the dog will play with her. 

Golden Tempo will not run in the Preakness so once again we have no reason to watch horse racing. 

While mourning the passing of founder Ted Turner TNT showed "Aquaman" for the 367th time and adult actress Brandi Love is out of the hospital. 

The worst person in America isn't Nosferatu Stephen Miller but the dick with a mouth Joe Rogan. Uncle Fester on steroids with tattoos. What a maroon! Cash the check, pal. 

 

Why do you build me up, Buttercup? 

Just to let me down? 

~ The Foundations ~  

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 03

 "I was waiting for you to read that because I knew you would. Because you're horrible people. I'm not a rapist! I didn't rape anybody!" - Donald F Trump 4-26-26

"Every time you see her she's with a different guy." - Charles F Berry  

Here we go kittens and cats. 

On Monday America's revealed paid escort Melania Trump and Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt both demanded the execution of Jimmy Kimmel. He told jokes about them and now he's marked for death. The King and Queen of England showed up at the gold plated White House and Melania had to stop having sex with the pool boy. Rapey McFraud posted a photo of himself and King Charles and said "Two Kings." And I fight crime at night in a skin tight costume. 

Last Wednesday the scumbags Petey Kegsbreath and Raisin Bran Caine testified before Congress and told both Democrats and Republicans to go pound sand. The Supreme Court ruled that only straight white males could vote in elections and the adjudicated rapist told America he was smart, athletic, and resourceful enough to be an astronaut. And my winkie is as large as a Johnsonville bratwurst. 

On Thursday Amazon Prime announced it was coming out with a new "Apprentice " series starring coke-head Donnie Jr. I quiver in orgasmic anticipation. It was also National Honesty Day and I declared I was a dipshit. Don't cross Marjorie Traitor Greene because Hell hath no fury like a spurned bleach blonde, bad built, butch body who is now out to tell the kids Two Scoops Donnie is a bad person. Trump's nominee for Surgeon General is another Fox TV host who's blonde and looks killer in her nude photos. Of course! 

On Friday there were also around 3 thousand May Day protests across our nation and $Kash Patel found out that his bought and paid for girlfriend was grinding somebody else. What becomes of the brokenhearted? And more evidence was revealed that America's First Whore and Third Wife Melania was an "escort " before she gave Donnie a rim job. Luke Combs made Time magazine's most influential people in the world list because Vanilla ICE was busy. Duran Duran appeared on Jimmy Kimmel and what rhymes with suck. Remind me to wear a leisure suit and spike my hair the next time I go to the Quickie Mart. 

After a full night of playoff hockey it was time for "Meet the Press." Kristen Welker was dressed in all blue and 86 47 is a death threat to the Pedophile in Chief and former FBI director James Comey is guilty as sin. That's the gospel according to MAGA sperm gargler Todd Blanche. According to our acting Attorney General the War Powers Act is unconstitutional and fuck you. He then said Depends Donnie is Jesus and Adam Schiff is a lying bitch. Federal judges are stupid and Joe Biden is Satan. Damn, I didn't know that. Where have I been? Then Blanche said we have to show IDs at restaurants. I went to Casper's chili parlor and no one asked me for one. I'd better call the Human Thumb Tom Homan and alert him. The Supreme Court could care less about public opinion and Judge Box of Wine Jeanine Pirro is on the case, so sleep tight. And then Blanche told America we must love Donnie Trump. 

Next was the corporate funded smarmy slapdick Democratic Senator from California Adam Schiff. He wears a smirk like I wear small underwear. He praised Republican Senator Susan Collins and told us that late at night he looks in the mirror and combs his 7 follicles of hair. Shifty used the term "windfall profits" 4 times in 8 minutes. Adam Schiff is why I now register as a f me running independent voter. Both parties blow dead frogs. And I still vote in every election. Call me an idiot. Yeah! 

My pick in the Kentucky Derby Further Adu didn't win the race and I lost 3 bags of bite size Chick O Stix. 

"Farmer Needs a Wife" continues Tuesday and the Eagles continue their 5 year Final Tour. 

 

The chairman of this boardroom is a compliment collector. 

I'd rather be his funeral director.

~ Elvis Costello ~ 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 April 26

 "I would have ended the Vietnam War in 5 days." - Donald F Trump 4-22-26

"I can tell you a story of a vagabond" - Thin Lizzy 

Last Monday our favorite rapist Ghislaine Maxwell asked for her conviction to be vacated and woman beater James Comer thinks it's cool. Our country has spent 50 billion dollars on the war on Iran. And every woman's dream date $Kash Patel is in the bag. Labor Secretary Laura Schavez Dreremer resigned after drinking a fifth of Old Crow. 

On Tuesday the 6.3 million dollars given to the Trump Presidential Library disappeared. Trump's cock lick for Secretary of the Treasury Kevin Warsh would not answer Elizabeth Warren's question that the Mussolini Mango lost the election 8 years ago.. Kevin is married to the heir of the Estee Lauder cosmetic brand. Our Slapdick Leader called CNBC and said high gas prices were " peanuts." And then he gave a speech bragging about no men in women's sports. 

Wednesday was Earth Day Jesus was condemned for comparing himself to the Mushroom Winkie. Howard Nutlick and RFK Jr testified before the House Senate and they both lied like my ex girlfriend Christine. The woman beater James Comer said Ghislaine Maxwell should be pardoned and be allowed to rape more teenage girls. Scott "Open Casket " Bessent Our Treasury Secretary was stripped naked by Senator Elizabeth Warren during testimony and he threatened to jack off into a coma. 

On Thursday Devin Nunnes was shitcanned as the head of Donnie "Grab them by the pussy" Trump Truth Social. They lost 712 million dollars last year. Go figure. Ron "Little Hitler " DeSantis is begging Spanky Mc Dick to be Attorney General, Secretary of Defense, or a Supreme Court Justice. And I want to be Napoleon Solo. In the middle of the night the GOP passed a funding bill for ICE and John Phrlan was fired as Secretary of the Navy and was replaced by a cat that believes in witches. Our government is buying Spirt airlines for 500 million dollars and Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt said it was Uncle Joe Biden's fault. 

The Dictatortot 1 million Gold Visa cards were supposed to pay off our national debt. One has been sold one year later. I'm stupid but I'm not dumb. The sexy beast Republican Congressman from Texas Chip Roy declared that all foreigners should be deported, except Melania as long as she makes porn films.

On Saturday there was a Winkie House correspondent dinner at the Hilton. A cat was tackled outside the building and he was photographed naked with his face on the sidewalk. Erica Crying " Kirk was there with her hankie! Who dislikes her? Melania was saved! Mister Pissy Pants fell down and couldn't get up. God bless America! 

Then it was time for "Meet the Press." cofee and Jim Beam. First was the turd Todd Blanche. He's the Attorney General. He's a lying fuck. Melania is a goddess and Donnie is Doctor Jesus. We will kill everyone who is not white and he wants his job so bad he will gargle the sperm. 

Next was Thom Tillis and he's as lame as my winkie. P and U. It's great to be tough when you're resigning from the Senate. Where were you the last 12 years! 

Last it was the bought and paid for Ro Khanna. Me running. ""End the war!" "The Pope is great!" No shit. 

 

I can tell you a story of a vagabond 

A playboy of the Western World

~ Thin Lizzy ~

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 April 19

 "What's a corner store? Who wrote that?" - Donald F Trump 4-16-26

"The only card I need is the ace of spades." - Lemmy Kilmister

On Tuesday Smokey Eye Shady Vance, and Jared "Sonny Drysdale " Kushner stepped on their cranks with their negotiations with Iran and Melania Trump had sex with the bellhop at Trump Tower. Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi didn't show up for her hearing at Congress and dyed her hair even blonder than The Bitch Laura Ingraham. Erika Kirk missed the Turning Point USA rally in Georgia because she feared for her life, but it was safe enough for Shady Vance. 

On Wednesday the Department of Revenge released 12 Proud Boys and Oath Keepers who assaulted police officers during the Trump Riot because they are white, ugly,and stupid. Now they can pay for sex outside of prison. The scumbag Russell Voight told Congress as the Director of Management and Budget he had no idea what our senseless war against Iran is costing but he's not using Rogaine. The fraud Doctor Oz told Donnie "Hair Oil" Junior on his televised podcast that the Orange Dictatortot drinks Diet Coke because it cures cancer. And my dick is the size of a Plymouth Superbird. The Federal Reserve released facts that our inflation rate would be lower than it was before Covid but Sausage Fingers' tariffs raised it 9 points. Tulsi "Hindu Surfer" Gabbard put on more makeup and accused Democrats to the Department of Revenge for crimes against Diaper Donnie during the 2020 election and Melania had "sex" with the Secret Service agent assigned to special duty. 

On Thursday Moses Mike Johnson passed a resolution in the MAGA congress renaming the Big Beautiful Bill to the Working Families Tax Cut. Okay. What's in your wallet? Daisy Duck's twin sister Maria Bartiromo had a heavily edited interview with Mushroom Winkie on Fox and she said he sounded hoarse. Spanky said it was because he had been "yelling at stupid people all morning." He then said the Pope, NATO, and Ott's dressing were all useless and he adores Sydney Sweeney. Brittany Spears checked into rehab and Kim Kardashian had another breast enhancement. RFK Jr testified before Congress and reminded us that although measles are up 436 percent he has a frozen opossum penis in his refrigerator. I didn't make that up. 

Viva Las Vegas! The adjudicated rapist Donnie went there and addressed a crowd of 9 people and talked about the advantages of dementia. 

On Friday Trump paid Iran 20 billion dollars and the Strait of Hormuz is still not open. Only 24 percent of the planet's oil goes through there so the next time you fuel up the Lamborghini you might need to pay for it by selling your collection of Doctor Strange comic books. Trump cut all funds to Catholic charities who assist immigrant children because he's the reincarnation of Doctor Jesus. The head of ICE Todd Lyons announced his retirement at the end of the month because he's terrified of Steven "Nosferatu" Miller and his constant harassment. Don't forget Miller's wife calls Stephen a "sexual matador." 

On Saturday we found out One Eyed Kash Patel is constantly drunk in the bag and I'm fucking jealous. After the Butcher Bennie Netanyahu broke the ceasefire with Lebanon. Combover Cankles Taco Tits called an emergency meeting at the Situation Room of the White House. Minuscule Marco Rubio gave him a knob shine and then Orange Julius Caesar fell asleep. 

This morning it was time for "Meet the Press." Our first chowderhead was UN Ambassador Mike Waltz. His friends call him "Dumbass." 135 countries love Donnie Trump. 246 think we blow chimpanzees, but who cares? Iran has moved the goalposts and the dice are loaded. Mike wore an American flag lapel so you know he's a man strapping lumberjack. My favorite quote was "Escalante to deescalate." That was followed by "Co mingled." Is that sex in Mississippi? My Mammy is my Pappy. 

Next was the Zionist, Marxist, Communist, White Sox fan Zohran Mamdomi. He has a killer beard. He is friendly with the pedophile rapist Donnie. Kristen Welker asked him if he would

 endorse Kamala Harris for president and he answered with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is too cool for school. We should bring on the Democratic Socialism and buy a round for the bar. 

 

They called him a vagabond

A playboy of the western world

He met a fine young country girl

~ Thin Lizzy ~ 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 April 12

 "I always like to hang around with losers because it makes me feel better."  - Donald F Trump 

"Scrubbing floors she's close to the earth" - Gang of Four 

On Easter Sunday Orange Julius Ceasar played golf and Screaming Steven A Smith and Don "Squeeze My" Lemon both announced they are running for president. And I'm wealthy and good looking. 

On Monday in full makeup the world's smallest penis said " Sandy wet sand" "The leaker leaked" and "To the victim go the spoils." He then said we should arrest reporters and Iranians have told him to please keep bombing. Big Daddy Vladdy Putin told the Pedophile President that NATO is a paper tiger and Melania enjoys money. 

On Tuesday it was revealed that Donnie Shitzinpants boast that TSA workers would be paid in full was a lie. Satan's older sister Megyn "Hair extensions" Kelly said she would vote MAGA even if Trump dropped a nuclear bomb because Democrats want illegal immigrants to vote and rape. Okay. At 5:45 CDST the convicted rapist Donnie called off the destruction of Iran and said give him two weeks. Give me a cheeseburger today. Smokey Eye Shady Vance, the babe magnet, was campaigning in Hungary for the dictator Victor Orban in his reelection bid. While Shady was there he made love to our favorite martyr Erica Kirk with his left hand and a bottle of Corn Husker's Lotion. 

On Wednesday the Secretary of War Crimes Petey Kegsbreath drank a fifth of Old Crow and yelled at female reporters and said the United States had totally destroyed Iran. Petey needs a tattoo on his winkie that says "Are you in the bag?" The chairman of NATO came to the White House and got yelled at by Rapey McFraud for 86 minutes. Official turd Todd Blanche from my state of Missouri told the nation that as Attorney General he will pursue enemies of Melania's fat snorer and f you. Israel is still firing missiles to Lebanon so the cease fire is as lame as Michael Avanatti's dick. Look him up. Sausage Fingers said that Cuba would be our next conquest and Daffy Duck is still America's greatest actor. I know music and she knows music. 

On Thursday Billy Idol announced his tour of America for this summer and prostitutes cheered. Is it 100 dollars for a knob shine? Do you take a Discover card? It was also National Grilled Cheese Day. I'll take mine on Wonder Bread with Monterey Jack. And a Stag. The Republicans dismissed Congress before there could be a vote to no longer fund the Epstein war and we found out Cankles Caligula is getting free steel to build his Big Beautiful Ballroom from Belgium. Out of the Van Allen Belt at 1 pm CSDT Third Wife First Whore Melania Trump told America and the world that she never knew Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell and all the photos of them together were totally fake. "Be best." After 30 years her English has become worse. A lawyer wrote her scripted speech but she has great hair. The military draft is back if you are white and under the age of 25. Sorry pal. Darling of Democrats Eric Swallwell was accused of rape by over a dozen women and the facts have credibility. Bounce his ass and his boner. 

On Saturday Your Favorite President Donnie Trump attended a UFC show and waved for jack offs who were there. I love the Sweet Science of Boxing. UFC is bullshit. Today's "Meet the Press " was another showcase for the worst host since David "I'm Religious" Gregory. Our first man with great hair was the president of Cuba Miguel Diaz - Canel. Kristen Welker asked him are you willing to die for your country. Miguel asked her what do you think. Then Kristen Welker spoke Spanish. "Taco burrito Ceaser Romero." I was blown away. Kristen then told the president of Cuba "I ask very tough questions! " And I wear a skin tight costume and fight crime at night. 

Then it was the slapdick Byron Daniels. He's the adjudicated rapist Donnie's favorite Negro. This smarmy know it all wasted 10 minutes of my life. Can you say "LA la la?" Me running. He's married? Who was that stupid? Cher? Finally it was Pramila Jayapal who is as whipsmart as Lou Reed and less angry. Kristen asked her should Kamala Harris run again for president and she answered with Pat Paulsen. 

In sports news it's Masters Weekend in Augusta, Georgia and I didn't make the cut. Deion Sanders has a commercial for Depends. 

And the Bachelorette has been canceled this year because the star is accused of beating her boyfriend.

 And Eric Swallwell sends pictures of his dick to women. Good to know, Sparky. 

I know music. She knows music. She's the teen queen Rosalie. - Thin Lizzy 

 

 

 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 April 05

 

"We will bomb them back to the Stone Ages!" - Donald F Trump 4-1-26

 

"When you're doing all right your friends are jealous of you" - Jimmy Reed

Last Tuesday Taco Tits Trump's ballroom was canceled by a federal judge because it wasn't approved by Congress. Our spray tanned leader shit his Depends. Again. Smokey Eye Shady Vance announced he has a new book coming out in June and no one gives a flying fart. The title is "Is Your Couch In The Mood." Mushroom Winkie signed an Executive Order outlawing mail in voting. That means he and Former Lesbian Porn Model Melania can no longer cast their ballots. Damn. 

On Wednesday Orange Jesus told Poland to give him back the Patriot missiles they bought bought from us because he wants to give them to Bennie Netanyahu. Poland responded with "Sorry, pedophile." E Jean Carroll has not received a dime of the 95 million dollars Cankles Caligula owes her for rape and defamation, but he had time to go to the Supreme Court. He is not only the first president to attend a court hearing, with the Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi, but also the first convicted felon, rapist, and congenital liar to be allowed into the room. Pammy was fired by the minuscule penis in the car on the way there. Pammy still calls him sir. 

Another slapdick from Missouri John Sauer argued the case to deport every child born in America who doesn't look like Sally D'Angelo and his voice makes RFK Jr sound like Al Green.

Poopy Pants then got a knob shine by his Sears Kenmore vacuum cleaner and gave a 19 minute "major address" at 8 pm CDT. It was past his bedtime. It was another greatest hits melody and you learned nothing except that when you go out in public make sure your hair looks good. Trumpty Dumpty told us again that he was brilliant and every woman wants to hear him snore in bed. Oil prices surged up and all stock markets crashed. "Deranged savages." That's the name of our new band. Unlike Moses Mike Johnson and the Swinging Dicks. 

KKK Karoline Leavitt had her picture removed from the public because it showed her double chin. A word to the hip:Don't marry a man who's 40 years older than you. Pammy Jo Bondi has now been banished to Hell and will never have another job. She sold her integrity for power and now she has neither. 

C'est la vie say the old folks. Mustard Face declared Medicare and Medicaid funding will be slashed because "We're fighting a war!" Who started it? Not you. Go fucking figure. 

Since Friday the father of the surgically reconstructed Ivanka shut down the White House which means only Domino's can deliver thick crust pepperoni and sausage pizzas. He eats them in bed. With no napkins. Tiger Woods is going overseas to beat his drug addiction. I beat mine by losing my source. I didn't go to Istanbul. 

This morning it was time for coffee, bourbon, and "Meet the Press." Kristen Welker was dressed in pink and white. Sonny Crockett would be proud. And man oh man those shoulder pads! 

First was the worthless tit Tim Kaine. Do you want a Natural Light or a beer? Timmy is as lame as my back. It was 12 minutes of my life I won't get back and I'd rather watch a rerun of "F Troop." Next was the imitation human Mike Lawler, Republican Congressman from New York. He's not related to the professional wrestler Brawler Lawler from the 1970s. He yelled at Kristen and told us Democrats are Satanic. Wow. Nice beard Pony Boy! Finally it was the sham liberal Ro Khanna. He has big money from AIPAC and Peter Thiel. Hey, if I had a Sugar Mama I'd bark like a dog too. Punch the monkey now has a girlfriend and they are doing the hokey pokey. ICE Barbie Kristi Noem's husband is now involved in Boobgate, and The Bitch Megyn Kelly said that's why Kristi is riding Corey Lewandowski like a show pony. 

Trump described the war as "Our little journey." The last time I took a journey I was trying to find underwear at the JC Penny's. 

Musical question of the week: Who sucks more? Steve Miller or Barry Manilow? 

Respond in the comments.

 

When my picture's in a frame, in the Fool's Hall of Fame
There'll be no one you can blame but me 

~Foghat~