It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 October 4 - Monday Night Football Edition

 "If you go out and vote we will win bigly. And we'll shove it up their asses." - Donald F Trump 10-3-26

"Free your mind and the rest will follow" - En Vogue 

 The news and sports desk is back up and running. I woke up ready for my 2 a.m. Monday viewing of "The Fugitive" and "Harry O." My Roku was not working and I couldn't watch my TV. Ask anyone you know: my TV doesn't work, and I go into full Daffy Duck panic mode. I considered drinking myself blind, but I went back into sleepy poo mode. I couldn't watch my recording of "Meet The Press." I called my great pal Sid "The Kid" Norris and he came over at 9 a.m. this morning. I had the batteries in wrong in the remote and Sid flipped them and it came on immediately. On a daily basis I'm a real bag of hammers; I can be both dumb and stupid at the same time. I did my happy dance and the beauty is back on duty! Let's go! 

Last Tuesday special prosecutor Jack Smith testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee and to say the least the GOP didn't send their A team. The breathless Katie Britt was on. She married an NFL player. Can you say slack jawed? The moronic Missouri senator Eric Schmitt was on and he's Smokey Eye Shady Vance's early favorite for his vice president. Eric called Smith a "dirtbag." The tech brothers met with Diaper Donnie at the White House and promised they would self-regulate. And I only masturbate every other Wednesday. 

The story of the fraternity gang rape at Cornell university deserves your attention. Research on your own. I have no jokes, but never forget people are no good. A Make America Healthy Again rally was held and the host was rapist Russell Brand. 

On Wednesday the idiot Markwayne Mullin told the world that voter fraud was rampant and the Supreme Court ruled that Trump could deport people to third-world countries to be raped, beaten, and murdered. Twenty-five thousand people have been sent overseas. Note to Stephen Miller: Hell is not filled! Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath gave a George Patton-style speech and said his military would have no "beardoes, weirdos, or fatties." Petey really likes his Lucky Tiger Hair Wax. He has fired 20 percent of our generals and admirals. Perfect during a war. Tough titties said the kitty, but you take the bitter with the sweet. 

On Thursday Russia threatened NATO with nuclear weapons. Trumpty Dumpty is bailing on aid to Ukraine and an appellate court ruled Jeanine Pirro could no longer file any charges on sabotage on the reflective pool. Judge Jeanine responded by drinking two fifths of orange MD 20/20. Renee Good's family sued Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem for the murder of their daughter by ICE. 

Statistics showed more Americans believe in Bigfoot than approve of Orange Jesus. Time magazine published an interview with Trump and when you read his answers to questions they make no sense. He is impossible to understand. 

On Friday the Atlantic reported the insane John Fetterman was asking Republicans for campaign contributions. Newly engaged $Kash Patel said he was going to look into FBI failures. Try looking in the mirror Third Eye, because two eyes aren't enough. That was your gratuitous Nick Danger reference. Remember when Goldigger Sweet Karoline Leavitt resigned as press secretary to spend time with her children and 65-year-old husband? She lied again. She's joining Fox news as a commentator. I can't wait to hear her brilliant insights. Trump backtracked and told people to vote by mail and "voting in America is corrupt." 

Yesterday was "Meet The Press," and first was Steve Kornacki with the numbers. No one likes Trump but no one likes Democrats either. Next was Obama has-been Rahm Emmanuel. What race is he? He wants a $20 minimum wage. He thinks Titty Baby Donnie is a bum. Rahman says Medicare for all is a bad idea. If he runs for president he will promise free beer and chicken. He said he was a former ballet dancer. Okay. We need day care and Head Start. I need to do laundry. And don't forget to remember the future. 

Next was the lovable Mr Haney from "Green Acres," Republican Senator John Kennedy. I had no pot. It would have helped. Democrats argue about men breastfeeding. Fire the teachers who can't teach. What about the economy! "I'd bet you a soda and a nice hat." Huh? Everything is Uncle Joe Biden's fault. People are feeling anger and deep melancholy. Wasn't that a Cure album? He tells the truth. Daylight Savings Time is a burning issue. People don't like to go home in the dark. He used the word existential. Trump could go from a zero to an ahole in 3 seconds. Will Ken Paxton win in Texas? How would he know. "I do it my way." Frank Sinatra used to sing "We Did It Sideways." He mentioned goobers and the Judds. The flashback moment was Elizabeth Dole. Boy, she had a great permanent! And so like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. 

Well, they busted me for nothin'
'Cause they said I was insane
And so they let my body go
But they locked away my brain

~Mott the Hoople~ 

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 September 27 - Monday Night Football Edition

"He really likes concrete. He knows his cement." - Donald F Trump 9-24-26 to reporters after showing China president Xi his new helicopter pad at the White House  

"We're going crazy and we're going today." - John Fogerty

 

Last Tuesday the Orange Dictatortot introduced Trump TV on YouTube running 24/7. No one is watching. The annual MAGA Fest was canceled because only 6 VIP tickets had sold. The headliners were to be Kid Rock, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and James "Foghorn Leghorn " Comer. Wow.. Let's drop acid and groove! 

At Washington DC's main airport they are going to have AI machines take over the air traffic controllers. 

Mushroom Winkie addressed the United Nations and after declaring himself the Prince of Peace said about Iran "Do I annihilate the Islamic population? " And I ran so far away. He then told Volodymyr Zelenskyy to bite his crank and he was renaming Artificial Intelligence Super Intelligence. China strongman Xi showed up and the ballroom designer who quit told Taco Tits it broke the city's safety codes. Trump told him " I'm the code." It can hold 1000 people and only has two exits. It has only one women's room with only 7 stalls. 

Smokey Eye Shady Vance announced they were kicking 780 thousand people off Obamacare charging them with fraud. Miniature Marco Rubio invited Big Daddy Vladdy Putin to this year's G 20 meeting and golf at Mar-A-Lago. 

An appellate court ruled Trump couldn't bar reporters from the White House and the titty baby said try and stop him. Kiss my grits. 

On Thursday Darlene Graham appeared on Sean Humanity's TV show and answered softball questions by saying:"That's what I hear." She then begged for campaign contributions by saying:" Lindsey would be proud." Ottawa changed the name of Trump Avenue and the hideous Steven Chueng was pissed. He's never had sex. We found out it was sperm gurgler Vance who tipped off Trump about his negative press coverage and not Natalie "Bunny Boiler" Harp. The Supreme Court ruled Trump's voter restrictions were legal so again the fix is in. If you're aren't cheating you 're not trying hard enough to win. On this day in history CBS replaced the Smothers Brothers show with "Hee Haw." 

On Saturday the adjudicated rapist Donnie went to the Texas/Tennessee football game and was booed when he was shown on the Jumbotron. Natalie Harp still loves him. 

Today on "Meet The Press " Iranian UN Ambassador Abbas Araghchi was the first guest. He was nattily dressed like a young Roger Moore. His English was stilted but still more intelligent than First Whore Melania. 

Our idiot at the UN Mike Waltz was next. Here we go Yakomo. Fuck Iran. The entire world loves Diaper Donnie. We will escalate the war after the midterms. China supports Iran, but who cares? " The facts are obvious." Waltz is a liar, and my feet stink. He used the great term "Doomsday War." Sleep well, cats and kittens! Where is Iran's Supreme Leader? Where's Waldo and Mitch McConnell? 

Next was California Democratic Congressman Ro Khanna. I can get a belly full of him quicker than most. What about AI? Stop pounding sand and let's all join hands. Ro would like to buy the world a Coke. I'd rather have a Hamm's. Senator Tammy Duckworth is a smart cookie. Let's tax the billionaires to pay for childcare. If dreams and wishes were candies and kisses. Bill Gates was on last and don't forget he banged teenage girls on Epstein Island. So much for the marriage! 

Estee Lauder has a new perfume and Linda Evans was on "Harry O" at 3 am and just let me say hubba hubba bubba. Donnie offered to sell China weapons, but was turned down. I thought we were out? The line of the evening on tv was "champagne is like Mother's Day." I have no idea what that means. 

Tomorrow is Happy Hockey Day at my penthouse bachelor pad. 3 games are on ESPN and the skull bong is ready. Keep following the Lauren Boebert sex scandal. Turns out she's a scissor sister! 

 

Today is Ben E King"s birthday. What a voice he had. 

Sister Anne don't give a damn about evolution
She's a liberated woman, she's got her solution
Like a dinosaur, she's going off the wall
She's gonna make it her own crusade
She's got a heart of gold, gonna save a bitch's soul
From goin' down Satan's highway

~ MC 5~

It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 September 20 - Monday Night Football Edition

  "I could have banned fishing like Biden was going to do." - Donald F Trump to Bass Pro/ Cabela's owner Johnny "B Goode" Morris 9-17-26 

Last Monday the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 to reject Trump's mail-in voting plan. Of course the two objections were Anthony Scalia and Clarence Thomas. Sperm gurgling is encouraged. Mitch McConnell rose from the grave and only the good die young. The Senate Judiciary Committee, led by 92-year-old Republican Senator Chuck Grassley, grilled Fish Eyed FBI director and babe magnet $Kash Patel, whom Democratic gasbag Corey Booker called "an incompetent lackey." Patel said "I will not participate in your parade of lies," and walked out. What rhymes with pussy? 

Todd Blanche held a press conference and declared the adjudicated rapist is the Supreme Commander and kiss my grits. 

If you have had sex with a goat you are now welcome to work for the FBI. Good to know! 

Congressman Thomas Massie filed impeachment charges against Tattoed Alcoholic Petey Kegsbreath and immediately lapdog Moses Mike Johnson adjourned Congress until after the midterms in November. So much for that vote. 

On Wednesday it was revealed that Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner raised $5 billion for his private equity firm from Middle Eastern nations while "negotiating" peace talks. Double your pleasure. 

Diaper Donnie cut internet service to public schools and libraries because that money is better spent on Natalie Harp's hand lotion for the jerk-offs she performs daily on the Mushroom Winkie. Interest rates went up by a quarter percent and Trump threatened to kill all members of the Federal Reserve Board. Treasury Secretary Scott "Open Casket" Bessent said on CNBC he didn't know where all the Venezuelan oil money is, but he still likes Honey Nut Cheerios. 

The Republican-run Congress has canceled 28 votes this year because Trump told them to. 

On Thursday Charlie Kirk's parents sued the University of Utah and the state of Utah because their son got assassinated there. Don't forget Charlie got shot while extolling the importance of gun ownership. The man who looks like fried bacon, RFK Jr., said the measles vaccine is evil and the cure is vitamins and chicken soup. Have another bowl of Grape Nuts. The Canadian national anthem was played at the Buffalo Bills' home opener football game. Over 7 thousand Canadians have season tickets, but Megyn "Aging Homecoming Queen" Kelly was pig-biting mad. 

On Friday Iran offered to open the Strait of Hormuz with no fees if Sausage Fingers Donnie resigned. We want tuna that tastes good, too. The Department of Revenge and Justice told prosecutors they would be fired if they didn't find cases of election fraud. "My social life's a dud. My name is really mud." The Music Machine. 

Vice President Shady Vance campaigned in Iowa for the Republican candidate for the Senate and she didn't show up. I think I dated her 40 years ago. Petey Kegsbreath announced testosterone tests for all soldiers over the age of 30, and my dog's better than your dog. The genius Donnie said he was establishing an AI force and who gives a shit? What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and a bowling ball? 

Yesterday was the latest edition of "Meet The Press." You didn't miss anything. The first guest was Republican Senate Whip John Barrasso from Wyoming. Here we go. Democrats are crazy. No taxes on tips! Common sense! Everything will be great when the wars are over. Who cares about federal deficits? Joe Biden is/was a bastard and Republicans must win the midterms or it will be Ragnarok! Get rid of every non-white person and the press needs to kiss the pimpled ass of Cankles Caligula. 

Corey Booker was next and he's bought and paid for by people you don't know. We are in an existential crisis and Robert Smith of the Cure still wears makeup. Basically his answer to every question was who fucking knows. I would have been better off cleaning my navel. 

Our fearless leader has forklifts parked outside the Kennedy Center to tear it down unless they let him rename it after himself. Think of Wile E Coyote in a Road Runner cartoon. Every trap backfires, if you know what I mean. 

Why was cashew chicken invented in my hometown of Springfield, Missouri? The Man Who's Wife won't live with him wants to put snipers on top of his 250-foot arch in Washington D.C. Is the Penguin on parole again? 

This time I let you go
Next time I'll let you know
It's high time that I told you so
This time, this time

~The Saints~