"I never listen to the fake news Mafia." - $Kash Patel at the press conference with criminal defense lawyer for Orange Jesus Todd Blanche
Last Tuesday the pretend Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio told senators on Capitol Hill that the war with Iran was over and he had never seen Daddy Dumpy Pants fall asleep at a televised meeting. The IRS must still agree never to audit the adjudicated rapist Donnie, his family, companies, and friends for eternity. The new director of National Intelligence will be nepo baby and hatchet man Bill "Bad Haircut" Polte. Rock stupid DHS director Markwayne Mullin declared he was the boss of the World Cup soccer tournament and get ready to fill up the concentration camps. The Pentagon hired a January 6th criminal to become the new head of counter terrorism. He's 22 years old and is masturbating as I write this. Sausage Fingers said that he's keeping the UFC ring up on the White House lawn post debacle because "many people say it's beautiful." The House passed the War Resolution Act and now it moves to the Senate. Don't worry, President Candy Pants will veto it between naps. Polte announced he was going to expose election fraud. There is a goblin in my closet.
On Thursday John Bolton agreed to plead guilty in his declassified documents charges to avoid 20 years in prison. Wimp. On Friday the House passed more aid to Ukraine and more sanctions on Russia. The Man of Bronzer shit his Depends again. Babe Magnet Donnie went to Wisconsin and told farmers they never had it better and asked if their underage daughters are hot? The transcripts of Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi about Jeffrey Epstein were released, and like Frank Nitti, she pleaded the fifth and refused to answer all questions. What a dry hump that was. The Wall Street Journal reported that corporations that contributed to Trump's Golden Ballroom have received 50 billion in government contracts. That's called both corruption and a smart investment. I'll pay you Thursday for a cheeseburger today. Another huge funding bill was given to ICE and Border Patrol because although masks are cheap tasers, billy clubs, and 45 automatic pistols aren't. The surgically reconstructed Ivana Trump and Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner bought an island off the coast of Albania. They are going to build condominiums, casinos, and whorehouses. Ivanka said it was a manifestation of her dreams and those of every American. She didn't consult me or you.
On Saturday the 100th day of the Iranian War commenced with the launching of 100 Iranian ships in the Strait of Hormuz. And the rerun of "The Wild Wild West" featured a trained monkey assassin. After another great Stanley Cup hockey game that went double overtime (reasons to get stoned) it was time for coffee and "Meet the Press."
Today's guest was Dictatortot Donnie Trump. There was a John Deere tractor in the background. The immigrants weren't eating the cats and the dogs, but it was raining cats and dogs. Like thunder and lightning. Damn it's so exciting. It hits you like a hammer. Trumpty Dumpty said we are not in a war but a military exercise. He told the same old lies about how we have destroyed Iran. No matter how it peters out, we win. "I don't think about it." Our troops are very safe. The stock market is roaring and if Iran doesn't bend over and grab its ankles, we will drop The Bomb. The syphilis-induced dementia cat has his finger on the Nuclear Football. That's fucking great. Every president before him was a pussy. He told stories of dismemberment for no reason. His favorite answer was "I don't want to tell you that." 7 minutes into the interview he used the term "fake news." "Nuclear dust" is a cute term and many people like it. He insulted Kristen Welker several times and said, "You are either crooked or stupid." "People live with inflation." Tell me about it, pal. He said growth is the greatest thing ever. Ask his waistline, not his winkie. Should we give money to the January 6th criminals? Yeah baby! Then he broke out his favorite term: "radical left lunatics." The storm got worse. Mister Bad Makeup got pissed off, threw off his microphone, and lunged out of the room with all of the intensity of the mummy in the "Jonny Quest" episode. Why would I pay for something that I don't even want for free?
Pink is hosting the Tony awards tonight and she's an international superstar. I didn't know that.
Mindy Kaling was on "Sunday Today," and she's as fascinating as a can of Spaghetti O's. But her bank account is better than mine so what do I know?
Uptown downtown acting just like you should
Even if you play their game it won't do you no good
There's too many creeps out there hungry for your blood, yes they are
They put you down when you are not around, drives you insane
~The Saints~
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