Happy Mother's Day from former nude model and first lady Melania "I had sex with that douchebag for the post death/divorce money" Trump. She's at Mar-A-Lago today drinking Little Kings Cream Ale and binge watching reruns of "McHale's Navy."
Her son Barron, from as a yet to be determined sperminator, graduates high school this week. Barron has decided to bypass college and go directly into the workforce as an undercover security agent at the West Palm Beach Wal-Mart Supercenter. He has stated his number one priority is to avoid banging pornographic actresses.
His bank-roller Donnie "Mushroom" Trump got slapped with a ten thousand dollar fine Monday by Judge Juan " Valdez" Marchant. It seems that threatening the lives of 12 jurors is a bad thing. Louisiana Congressman Clay "Ghost Buses" Higgins also vowed to kill the judge, and in a published Associated Press poll one third of Republican voters agreed it was kosher to murder political opponents. I did not make that up.
Speaking at a fund raiser Donnie "Love me" Trump said that 40 percent of Democratic voters are on welfare. Shades of Mitt Romney. On Fox "News" your favorite congresswoman Nancy Mace told Neil Cavuto that George Santos was funding Hamas. Peculiar that a Jew would bankroll an army trying to destroy Israel, but what do I know?
The Ford Motor Company issued a recall of it's Maverick pickup trucks because the tail lights don't work. Hey, they don't burst into flames like Pintos!
Moses Mike Johnson held a presser where he declared that protesting college students were evil and that convicted rapist Donnie Trump was as pure as Ivory Soap.
And now to the meat, as it were, of this week's news. Horseface Stormy Daniels (aka Stephanie Clifford) testified for over 5 hours in the Honey Hush Money trial of the man with a boner wearing diapers. I had forgotten what the word salacious meant. America's Scold Peggy Noonan was so appalled she had to apply more Aqua Net hairspray to maintain her perfect appearance and morals. When Peggy does number two it looks like divinity fudge. The details of the sex would not qualify for a letter to Penthouse. To say the most Donnie was the least. We now have a request to hear Motley Crue's "10 Seconds to Love." His hook to slip her the weasel was " I'll put you on 'The Apprentice!"
The highlight was Stormy saying that Orange Jesus begged to be spanked on his ample derriere with a rolled up copy of Forbes magazine that had him on the cover. This is the end of masturbation. Donnie told Stormy that she looked like his daughter Ivanka, and I'm not going into that entire incest thing. Not me, no not me.
On Wednesday the bought and paid for judge Ailleen Cannon said that the trial of stolen documents by Baby Buttercup will be delayed by 9 months, just in case the Mango Mussolini wins the election and he can pardon himself.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed that a worm had entered his brain and died, but he's hunky dory now.
Marjorie Traitor Greene voted against a House bill that would cut off funding to colleges that would not condemn antisemitism because, as we all know, "The Jews killed Jesus!" Marjorie is a real box of candy.
From all of this and the botox dog killer South Dakota governor Kristi Noem canceling her book tour we had this week's episode of "Meet The Press." As Robert Cray would say a cup of coffee and whiskey on the side. Batting lead-off was the beleaguered Secretary of State Anthony "Winken" Blinken "and Nod." Israel is our buddy. In the heat of a war you are on your own, pal. Has Isreal broken international war crimes? How the Hell does he know. As Israel invades the city of Rafah to eliminate Hamas their battle plan is "If it's moving shoot it." How can this potential forever war end? Hamas should just give up. Thank you for your insight Mister Blinken.
Batting second was the perpetually pissed off Independent Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders. Israel has violated every known war crime and should not get another dime from Uncle Sammy. Two thirds of the Palestinians killed in this skirmish are women and children. Will this war cripple Motorhead Joe like Vietnam destroyed Lyndon Johnson? Bernie told hostess Kristen Welker to check her Qujia board. Bernie is 82 years old and he's running again for another 6 year term in the Senate. Some farts linger and the Rolling Stones keep touring.
Just when you thought the show couldn't get worse it did. Fresh from gargling Donnie Trump's sperm it was Lindsey Graham and his new shaggy haircut. If you thought Bernie was pissed, aye yi yi. During the interview Graham yelled and pounded the table. I had flashbacks of Nikita Kruseshev and his shoe screaming "We will bury you!" Graham hates Uncle Joe and thinks we should empty the vault and give Israel all the money they need to kill, kill, kill. He said this war is 9/11 and Pearl Harbor combined. He said our military officials are "full of crap!" After Israel kills everyone who is a Palestinian then we can have peace, and also job opportunities for custodians to clean up the bodies and destroyed buildings. When Kristen asked him if he would respect the outcome of the presidential election he told her to bite his crank. Trump is a god!
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