This ain't the Garden of Eden. And this ain't the Summer of Love. Last Monday the International Criminal Court charged the embraceable Prime Minister of Israel Bennie "Kiss My Ass" Netanyahu with war crimes for his military bombing the holy hell out of the Gaza Strip. When Bennie gets arrested let me know.
Also on Monday Hunter Biden and his winkie announced they were suing Fox "News" for defamation of character. Among those charged by name were our favorite talking heads: Sean "Asshat" Hannity, Greg "I'm as funny as Jerry Seinfeld" Gutfeld, the penis with lips Jesse Watters, and the female with the largest lips in recorded history Maria Bartiromo.
Tuesday was national Bugs Bunny Day. The charismatic actor's greatest line ever was in the epic "Eight Ball Bunny." At the Panama Canal he tells the toll booth attendant " A quarter? I'd rather walk!"
Donnie Trump was fined 9 thousand dollars for violating his gag order by posting camel feces on his Truth Social website. He was also warned that next time it could be thirty days in the hole. A shout out to the fans of Humble Pie. Also on Tuesday a revealing interview with the man that wears diapers came out in Time magazine. If the Orange Jesus becomes president again he will deport 11 million people by using the police, the National Guard, and the Army. He would replace every Cabinet official with only people who are loyal to him, and over 50 thousand civil servants would be shitcanned and replaced by Scandinavian porn models. The riots on American campuses are all Motorhead Joe Biden's fault. Thanks Donnie! I didn't know!
On Wednesday the draconian anti abortion law in Florida kicked in meaning that is Miami Vice murder after 6 weeks pregnant. A tip of the hat to our pal Governor Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis. Watch video of Ronnie licking his lips. Adult content. Wednesday got saucier when your favorite cross fit trainer and adulteress Marjorie Traitor Greene announced that she is going to pull the plunger on Speaker of the House Moses Mike Johnson. She told the world in a mind numbing 30 minute rant that real Americans hate this so called "Christian conservative" and his boot-licking of Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. On the under-card to support her was the pride of Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie. He said Marjorie was the most serious person in Congress. He also said that he was sorry the Jheri-curl on his hair didn't work out right.
On Thursday Uncle Joe Biden finally had a statement about the riots by students and, get ready for it, outside agitators. Palestine or Israel? What if you don't have a horse in the race? Uncle Joe said violence is bad. And beer is better in a chilled mug. The forgotten woman Brittney Spears got in the news this week after a brawl with her new boyfriend at a hotel. I miss the calm days of Lindsay Lohan.
This week's edition of "Meet The Press" was not as good as "Face The Nation" but we will unpack this load of soiled underwear one at a time. First up in the batter's box was the heterosexual Senator Tim " I've got a girlfriend" Scott. What a piece of work he is. If he kissed more butt cheeks he would have a Lip Balm contract. Here we go. He has a book out. Democrats hate Jews. When Trump was president it was heaven. Joe Biden is the anti Christ. NBC is a tool of the Democratic Party. When Kristen Welker asked Tim about abortion bans he ran like Vince Coleman scoring from first base on a double by Tommy Herr. I would hate to call Tim Scott a transparent fraud, so I won't.
Next was the Democratic Senator from Arizona Mark Kelly. Being a Democrat in Arizona is like being a Mormon in Bangladesh. He said Israel should pound the hell out of Palestine but be gentle why they do it. Kristen asked him about abortion rights. He said "It's a tough time for women." Hokey smoke Bulwinkle! When asked about Donald Trump's threat that if he doesn't win the election there will be blood he answered with Ron Jeremy's sausage "Beats me." Hey, Mark was an astronaut and if he was a dessert he would be tapioca pudding.
Then it was time for "Face The Nation" to see the new face of mass murder Kristi Noem. Donnie Trump would like to know her better if you know what I mean and I bet you do. The surgically altered Governor of South Dakota (America's Playground) defends her God given right to shoot her 14 month old dog in the face, shoot her goat because he smelled bad, and 3 horses because they were too old. Is she the female Ted Nugent? Ted's best song was "Pony Express" for the cognoscenti. Kristi said her dog killed livestock. Color me dumb, but when are chickens considered livestock. The best part of this television interview was that Kristi told viewers 6 times to buy her book, that she would feed Donnie Trump McDonald's French fries by hand to be vice president, and if nothing else pans out she can rest easy knowing she married Cory Lewandowski. Google his name and see the great words "alcoholic rapist."
In a 3 horse photo finish Mystik Dan won the 150th Kentucky Derby, and I lost 1 dollar. I had Just a Touch because I follow horse racing like I follow the weather and the Kardashians.
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