"Girls when you cut the cake don't make a big mistake." Laura Lee, "Wedlock is a Padlock" (1972). Truer words were never spoken. But don't shed no tears for the Ice Princess Melania Trump. Her husband,, the flatulent one, had his soiled laundry on public display all of last week.
On Monday the long awaited testimony of lawyer/bagman/arm twister Michael Cohen began. He sang like the Slavic Nightingale Lene Lovich. He had one damning story after another about the Orange Jesus and his various payoffs to silence his sex partners. Republican Senators Tommy Tuberville and J.D. Vance addressed the media outside the courthouse and it was laughable at best. The former mediocre football coach Tommy said Trump was being treated with no respect and was suffering great mental anguish. Tommy then said the jurors were "so called" Americans. Trump again slept through the proceedings. The story of the day was the 30 thousand dollars paid to Dino the Doorman who had proof that Donnie had knocked up one of the maids at Trump Tower. We also saw the return of fashion model and Trump press aide Hope Hicks. It seems the 28 year old is engaged to a 58 year old investment banker. Money changes everything.
Tuesday the anointed one Moses Mike Johnson showed up to tell the press that there was no crime committed. This warrior for Jesus now says paying a pornographic actress to keep quiet about the time he slipped her the mushroom is no longer a sin. Rewrite the Bible, stat! Moses Mike then promised his ace lieutenants James Comer and Jim Jordan would put an end to Special Prosecutor Jack Smith. Clear the deck, cannonball coming! Also a covey of quislings showed up to support LL Cool Trump. 11 Republican Congressmen were all dressed in Trump approved blue suits with red ties. They looked like the gang in "Reservoir Dogs." That would make Vivek Ramaswamy Mister Pink. Cross examination began on Cohen led by discount attorney Todd Blanche. But instead of a knockout punch being thrown by the great Lennox Lewis (the man who knocked out Iron Mike Tyson) it was more bobbing and weaving in the style of DaVarryl "The Touch of Sleep" Williamson.
On Wednesday it was the trial's day off, but Uncle Joe Biden and the diapered defendant agreed to debate each other, once in June and another in September. And not on Fox "News."
On Thursday the cross examination of Cohen continued. The Trump lawyers tried to paint Cohen as a liar and a revenge obsessed cheat. Trouble is we already knew that. Among the swingers who flew to New York on your dimes were Matt "15 will get you 20" Gaetz, Lauren "Good Hands" Boebert, and the former stripper Anna Paulina Luna. Lauren's son Tyler appeared in court Tuesday in Rifle, Colorado but he didn't have a lawyer. His mother who makes 180 thousand dollars a year didn't pony up for a barrister. Sonny Liston got his breaks and so has Tyler. Throughout his 2 day testimony Cohen was as unflappable as Horatio Caine. Flying under the radar last week was the meeting of Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping in Beijing. Think of Doctor Doom being palsy with the Red Skull.
And just when you thought it couldn't get any better it was time this morning for day drinking and "Meet The Press." First was the mad as Hell Florida Republican Senator Little Marco Rubio. He rolled out of bed full of vinegar and piss. Does he want to be Donnie's vice president? "Whatever." If Joe Biden is reelected an entire generation would be damaged. What about the thorny issue of abortion? Rubio used the phrase "unborn human life" 7 times. I was using my abacus. He said we know have 30 million illegal immigrants in the nation. These people are murderers, rapists, and terrorists. And that's just the children! The election will be rigged because the Democrats buy votes for 10 dollars a pop in Georgia. He yelled over host Kristen Welker for the majority of the interview, and basically looked like he was in need of a laxative.
Next grinning ear to ear like he had slept with a coat hanger in his mouth was Maryland Democratic Governor Wes Moore. He said it sucked that blacks don't vote. He is hip to marijuana deregulation. His catch phrase was "work, wages, wealth." That rolls off the tongue. He thinks that the GOP refusing to use federal funds to repair the barge destroyed bridge shows how much they don't care. But he vowed the shipping lane will be open by the end of the month. We shall see.
Finally it was another segment of "Who Cares?" Michael Phelps and his 23 gold swimming medals was on to discuss his ongoing coping with depression and anxiety. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I would recommend Demerol, but the bottle says no refills. Go figure. Michael is okay now, but last week he was in rough shape. I kept waiting for a Rodney Dangerfield joke. "I know I'm getting old. To me the daily double is a glass of prune juice and an enema." He said that he has a group of close pals to keep him afloat, and it's only 4 months until "The Golden Bachelorette" will be on tv. Life is good!
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