It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 January 18

 We ran over 1,000 simulations. It can cost around 3 dollars a meal 

for a piece of chicken, a piece of broccoli, corn tortilla, and one other thing.

US Department of Agriculture Secretary "Brookie" Rollins 1-16-26

"This crazy music drives you insane. This way." - Roxy Music

Last Sunday at 8 pm CDT the Prince of Porkers Donnie posted on Truth Social he is now the president of Venezuela. Adulterer and Melting Face Kristi Noem decreed all visits to ICE prisons and administrative offices must be approved by her 7 days in advance. They need time to hide Corey Lewandowski's rubbers.

On Monday the Department of Revenge announced it was launching a criminal investigation into Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell because. Just because. Kristi Noem took time out from changing clothes to send another 2 thousand troops to Minneapolis, Minnesota because one death is not enough. The Minnesota Attorney General is suing DHS, ICE, and Border Patrol. Democratic Senator Mark Kelly is suing the drunken rapist Petey Kegsbreath and the dollar crashed on the world market. Some crazy thing called government instability. The Senate failed to vote on extending the Obamacare tax credits, but Two Scoops said he'd veto it anyway. The convicted felon visited a Ford motor plant in Detroit. A worker yelled at him calling him a protector of pedophiles. Trump yelled back "fuck you" and fingered him. Vienna Sausage Fingers proves again the old adage small fingers, small winkie. The Wall Street Journal reported Donnie is sick of Attorney General Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi because she's not cruel enough. Bambi likes it rough. Oh yeah, the economic boom is coming and welcome to the Golden Age! The Prime Ministers of Denmark and Greenland met with Smokey Eye Shady Vance and Miniature Marco Rubio. Nothing was accomplished. Lindsey Halligan claimed she's still the United States Attorney General for West Virginia and she's still beautiful. FBI agents raided the house of a Washington Post reporter and seized her laptop, her cellphone, her watch.and two files marked "top secret." Really?  They label everything on "Batman ", too. Trump sold 50 thousand barrels of stolen Venezuelan oil and deposited the half million dollars in a private account in Qatar. They have no pesky regulations there you see. ICE shot two more protesters in Minneapolis and Foghorn Leghorn James Comer wants to put Bill and Hillary Clinton in prison. Comer never went to jail for beating up college girlfriends because he's fat and white. 

On Thursday the leader of the democratic resistance in Venezuela Machado went to the White House. She dropped to her knees and gave Mango Mussolini her solid gold Nobel Peace Prize. She in return got a gift bag of Trump 2028 hats. That is not a joke. The defending Stanley Cup champion Florida Panthers visited the Oval Office and Trump said hockey players are tough but he runs the Army, so kiss his orange ass. He didn't talk hockey but he did remind us he saved America. He also announced his "Great Healthcare Plan." It's two pages. Upon inspection you see it's as limp as his dick, and as thin as my academic history. A 55 year old Cuban was choked to death by 5 guards at an ICE prison, but there's nothing to see here. One less mouth not to feed!

On Saturday it was announced Attention Queen Nancy Mace is being investigated for ethics violations. She has ethics? Former Trump fixer Michael Cohen was exposed as having Jeffrey Epstein ties and is no longer the darling of the left. The Department of Revenge is now investigating Minnesota governor Tim Walz and Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey. You're next.

This morning it was time for coffee and "Meet the Press." Grab your beverage of choice. First was Treasury Secretary Scott "Open Casket" Bessent. We are going to tariff every nation in NATO until they give Trumpty Dumpty Greenland. It's for our "Golden Dome" and the battle for the arctic. Europe is keeping Russia afloat by purchasing their oil. We don't need trivial crap like evidence. "Emergency powers" is a key argument these days. Dr Oz this week said Orange Jesus has more testosterone than your average 20 year old, and on Fox that made Riley Gaines hot. I guess we all have our kinks. Clueless Kristen Welker asked Bessent what's more important NATO or Greenland?  "That's obviously a false choice!" He then began talking with his hands like Donnie. When asked if he privately told Cankles Caligula it would be a mistake to invade Greenland Bessent responded by singing Mose Allison's "I'm Not Talking." Never forget Bessent punched out Elon Musk at a cabinet meeting last spring.

Next we had another titled segment called "Finding Common Ground." I want a feature called "Blow It Out Your Ass." My favorite wrestling tag teams from my misspent youth were the Assassins and the Medics. Today's tag team was Tim Kaine and Rand "Ayn" Paul. Tim Kaine is what's wrong with the Democratic Party. All foam and no beer. Rand Paul is a neo libertarian who's all over the track like if Richard Petty had ever raced his Plymouth Superbird while dropping acid. Why do we have separation of powers asked Rand. Just look to the Federal Papers he said. I read the Bill of Rights, but that's null and void now. Should we impeach Melania's tool? Slow down there Boy Wonder!  We can't declare war 3 years after the fact. Congress has to have something to do besides stock trading. Tim Kaine promised that Trump would not put ground troops in Venezuela. Trump also promised 3 wives he would love and cherish them. I promise not to drink your last beer. Timmy says we should challenge Trump's tariffs. Note to Tim: masturbation can be fun but it accomplishes nothing.

Last it was Minneapolis mayor Jacob "I'm not Glenn" Frey. Speaking as a strapping man jack I am so jealous of his hair. Trump whipping boy Todd Blanche says both Frey and Governor Walz are terrorists. Frey said Blanche could bite his crank and don't kick my dog. Kristen told Frey the army has drawn up plans to take over his city and Frey said are you kidding me? We live in groovy times, kids. The FBI under the whipsmart leadership of $Kash Patel is investigating the wife of Renee Nicole Good because everybody knows lesbians are the enemy within.

Why are NFL playoff game preview shows 3 hours long? And why are the phono turntables on "The Price Is Right " always over 1,400 dollars. Mine cost 3 hundred and it's called "entry level." I'm too old to marry the rich girl. 

There's a thousand million voices
They're screaming in my eyes
Preachers in the forest
Sirens in the sky
Well, I walked around and I cried a lot
Thought that I would die
~Hüsker Dü~