"Six months ago this country was stone cold dead. People didn't think it would survive.
And you ask a nasty question like that?! It's called negotiation.
Don't ever say what you said!
That's a nasty question!"
Donnie "Calm" Trump 5-28-25.
Last Sunday the Apricot Antichrist woke up and after taking an Executive Leak dropped his 50 percent tariffs on imports from the European Union. And he stated that he was " not happy " with Daddy Vladdy Putin. On the evening news the world was ablaze with the news that Billy Ray Cyrus and Liz Hurley were caught in a tree k I s s I n g. Republican Congressman from Georgia Andy Clyde put into Trump's Big Beautiful Bill the provision that eliminates all taxes and surcharges from gun silencers. Clyde said it penalized low income people from affordable aid in killing their spouses quietly.
Memorial Day Monday began with a televised presentation from America's Test Kitchen on how to make "breakfast corn dogs." Ideal when you're drinking at 6 am. At 11:35 am Rapey McFraud, Smokey Eye Shady Vance, and the Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath attended services at Arlington National Cemetery. While the hungover Petey nodded off (watch the video) Diaper Donnie gave an inspirational speech in which he stated that Petey was a "tough cookie." Trump then declared that he had totally rebuilt the military and that Uncle Joe Biden was a bastard. Now our nation is great and he is great. Sure, soldiers have died but he has brought the World Cup and the Olympics to America. And God chose him. He spoke for 18 minutes.
On Tuesday it was revealed that the aforementioned Secretary of Scotch Petey had wiretapped phones in the Pentagon so he could have evidence to fire assistants. Trumpty Dumpty canceled 100 million dollars in grants to Harvard and King Charles of England visited Canada and said it wasn't for sale. This angered the adjudicated rapist Donnie who released a statement saying Melania was a cold but smoking hot mama and Charles' wife was a cheap can of Bumble Bee tuna.
On Wednesday the pardons of criminals began lining up like the drive through window at Raisin' Cain's Chicken Fingers. If you have the money honey the Puffed Cheeto will abolish your time. People convicted of tax evasion, bank fraud, receiving bribes, and even murder ( Rapper Kentrell Gaulden ) got early release by our law and order Chief Executive.
Homophobic racist Phil Robertson of "Duck Dynasty" tv fame passed. In tribute networks aired his filmed rant about how people didn't need health insurance because all they really needed was Jesus Christ. His admittance to Heaven is currently being delayed because he was behind in his premium payments. Popular pod-caster and scholar Joe Rogan, who 6 months ago declared that all masked marchers like the Patriot Front, were actually undercover FBI agents who were trying to spice up the chili. The tattooed bald steroid freak said that once heartthrob $Kash Patel was installed as director they would disappear. He was installed and they haven't disappeared and now the Uncle Fester look alike has denied ever claiming that. Joe Rogan makes a shitload of money by appealing to knuckle dragging mouth breathers who live on pepperoni Hot Pockets and strawberry Yoo Hoos.
In your Jake Tapper has a book news, the erstwhile Republican Congressman Jim "No law degree" Jordan has called for a committee to investigate if Uncle Joe Biden was senile during his time in the White House. Jordan says this would invalidate every action, pardon, and bowel movement Biden took during his four years as President. If you run into Jordan, tell him his haircut is bitchin' and that Charlie Brown wants his baseball glove back. Also the anointed one Moses Mike Johnson posted that 12 million people over the age of 120 years old were receiving Social Security checks. So that's where it's all going! Instead of trying to combat the fascistic takeover of the United States Democratic Senator Cory Booker is out promoting his book called "Stand." In it he describes his inspiring story of self determination and visions of a better nation along with his kick ass recipe for Five Alarm Sudden Death Chili. The Raging Soft On Donnie woke up Thursday to find out that the United States Court of International Trade had ruled his tariffs on foreign countries were illegal and invalid. Immediately. Full stop. An appeals court overruled that decision 18 hours later, and Trump's crack lawyers will now attempt to take it to the Supreme Court.
Also on Thursday the Department of Health and Human Services released a completely false report generated by artificial intelligence quoting studies that didn't exist from doctors that denied their involvement. Goldigger Press Secretary Sweet Karoline Leavitt said the mistakes were from "formatting issues" and that it was "based on credible science that has never been recognized before." Covid shots are now being deemed no longer necessary for people under the age of 65, and all bird flu vaccines are being discontinued. When I was younger I used the herd immunity method to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
Elon Musk left the White House Friday with Nosferatu Steven Miller's wife and claims of saving the government 160 billion dollars through his DOGE committee, led by the intellectual babe magnet named Big Balls. Upon further review it turns out it was only 44 billion that was saved, but the Washington Post reports that 103 people die per hour globally due to the elimination of USAID health and food services. And the New York Times reported that Musk would take ketamine and mushrooms at the same time while working. Can you say out loud "Hokey Smoke Bullwinkle!"
The National Spelling Bee was won by 13 year old Faizan Zaki. The brown skinned youth's celebration was short lived however as upon raising the trophy he was bum rushed by masked ICE agents, zip tied, and shoved into an unmarked white van. Whereabouts at this time are unknown, but Director of Homeland Security Kristi Noem is having tremendous sex with the married Corey Lewandowski. Kristi's husband, Dorkus, is tending the sheep at their ranch in South Dakota. All of the information stolen by Elon Musk during his tenure with the federal government has been sold to Peter Thiel's Palantir corporation so your health, income, and personal history records are now the property of a far right Christian Nationalist. As long as they don't know about my Hot Wheels collection ( over 250 and growing ).
Today was the Sabbath for those of that faith and accordingly on "Meet The Press" we had Moses Mike Johnson and Democratic Senator and Baptist Minister Raphael Warnock. It was time for delicious Dunkin' Donuts coffee and a slow temper. Moses Mike got his name because when he was elected to be the Speaker of the House he said God spoke to him 13 nights in a row and told him it was a parting of the Red Sea moment. I am not telling a joke here. Now this constitutional scholar and right hand of our Lord and Savior worships the con man and thrice married Man of Bronzer. Kristen Welker, who disappoints on a weekly basis, says it's now officially called the One Big Beautiful Bill. Moses then repeated that seven times during his insufferable 13 minutes on tv this morning. Here comes the crap. Elon Musk is Mike's "good friend." Just like Ted Fucking Nugent. We are all going to be rich. The Congressional Budget Office is filled with limp wristed liars. Under Rapey McFraud's first term we had the greatest economy in history and "everyone knows that." With a 5.1 trillion dollar tax cut for people who make more than 400 thousand dollars a year this will cut the deficit. 1.4 million illegal rapist immigrants are receiving Medicaid. Every single person in America agrees with him. Screw you, Kristen!
Then it was time for the right and righteous Democratic Senator from Georgia Raphael Warnock. He told Kristen he was on his way to church. Did you know he leads Martin Luther King 's old congregation? His father was also a minister and a junk man. I thought of Fred Sanford, but then immediately felt like an asshole. Poor people need health care and aren't deadbeats. We need common sense for border security. Despite what I Have A Book Jake Tapper says Uncle Joe Biden is not a mindless stooge. Kristen would ask the Reverend questions and he would talk about something completely different. That is an admirable trait in politicians. "Is it going to rain today?" "I really like the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's." Give me some air. As long as the Democratic Party sends out these well meaning, nice, boring as a new song by Miley Cyrus, robots they will lose every election. Rafael said under the Mango Mussolini administration life in America has gotten worse. Well powder my butt and change my diaper. I could have been smoking pot and watching a Daffy Duck cartoon.
On Friday Your Favorite President was asked if he was praying for Joe Biden and his battle with cancer. One word answer from Donnie "No." In cutting funds to Harvard University last week the Sonny Drysdale Arts and Humanities Scholarship was nixed.
And in sports news, it's still basketball season.
I'm locked inside the classroom
staring at the dots up on the wall
I need out baby and that ain't all
I don't care about textbooks
or the jJews discovered Spain
I've got to leave this town
I'll take a bus or catch a plane
Because my old man's a fatso
He's got a bathtub for a mouth
~ Angry Samoans ~
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