"This group right here, full of hoaxsters that peddle anonymous sources from leakers with axes to grind, and then you put it all together as if it's some news story. This is why we're fighting the fake news media. We are fighting slash and burn Democrats because of this. We're fighting hoaxsters for this reason!" Secretary of Scotch Petey Hegseth 4-21-25
Less than a day after meeting with Vice President Smokey Eye Shady Vance the Pope suffered a massive stroke and died. Two plus two still equals four. Marjorie Traitor Greene danced on the Pope's grave. She posted on X that he was evil and reiterated her claims that the Catholic church is in the grip of Satan. Target has now denounced all DEI initiatives and will no longer sell pride merchandise and handicapped Santa Claus dolls at Christmas. Locally the Target here fired their one armed black lesbian assistant clothing manager.
Over last weekend ICE Barbie and adulterer Kristi Noem had her purse, containing her government cell phone, security badge, makeup bag, and 3 thousand dollars cash stolen while dining out. More on that later. On a taped interview on "Face the Nation" Shady Vance said the Catholic church was making millions of dollars off immigrants with bogus charity efforts and relocations.
On Monday the wife of convicted former Democratic Senator from New York Bob Menendez, the lovely Nadine, was found guilty on all counts of bribery and obstruction. There goes the Mercedes and the gold bars.
On Tuesday Harvard sued the Trump Administration over its attempted takeover of the university. In little titty baby fashion Trump said they'd add another billion dollars to withheld funds. The government also announced it was dropping all investigations into banks and businesses for financial skullduggery but instead focused on collecting student loans. The executive producer of "60 Minutes" for the last 37 years resigned citing owner Shari Redstone saying he no longer had editorial control. That sucking noise from corporate media keeps getting louder. Orange Jesus Trump issued a proclamation on Earth Day saying he was the environment's greatest friend.
Tuesday also saw a new debasement of the White House as Press Secretary, habitual liar, and professional goldigger Karoline Leavitt welcomed Tim Pool to the daily press briefing. Tim Pool is a chronic conspiratory masturbator who wears a black hoodie, stocking cap in 85 degree weather, and has received over a million dollars from Russia to promote their agenda and talking points on his podcast. He was given the first question. He stated mass media was the plaything of evil liberals and why wasn't a shithook like himself given proper admiration and respect. The other reporters shook their heads and realized that Trump's reign of evil idiocy knows no level of hellish depravity.
Wednesday saw the beginning of the slow death of Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis and his demure wife Casey. The Republican Governor of Florida was exposed for having stolen 10 million dollars from a legal settlement of Medicare overpayment and fraud. He took the money and gave it to his wife's charity who in turn transferred it to his political action committee. Initially he lied and said "Oh, that's extra money they just threw in!" Wrong-o Mr High Heeled Boots. This looks like prison and he will prove just how tough on crime he is while sharing a cell with a guy named Mongo.
We were reminded earlier this year that the last person who leaked national documents online like Secretary of Scotch Petey Hegseth, Jack Teixeira, was sentenced to 15 years in prison. In dementia news Mushroom Winkie Trump endorsed both Republican candidates for governor in Arizona, and was found walking in circles on the White House lawn. When asked by the press what the hell he was doing Trump answered he was going to erect a pair of 100 foot flagpoles. He said he'd been talking about this for a long time. And RFK Jr said he was going to open a registry with the name of every person in America who had autism.
Thursday Your Favorite President released the address and phone number of the wife and children of Kilmar Abrego Garcia so that while he remains in Kristi Noem's Death Camp in El Salvador she can be targeted by MAGA patriots for threats and violence. Presidential aide Sebastian Gorka told Newsmax that anyone who criticizes Trump should be charged and jailed for terrorism. There was another Cabinet meeting where everyone praised Trumpty Dumpty for his bravery and leadership. Trump said trade negotiations were going on with China. A reporter told him China said no such thing was happening and Diaper Donnie called the reporter a liar and said " as usual you have your reporting wrong." 6 hours after telling Fox a New York Times report on the restructuring of the State Department was inaccurate and fabricated, spokesperson Tammy Bruce said then that it would all be changed. 5 times during the press statement she answered questions bÿ saying "You'll have to ask the White House. You'll have to ask President Trump." Did you know Bruce's previous job was at Fox?
Friday was busy. ICE declared it was out of money. Former Republican Congressman George Santos was sentenced to 7 years in prison for credit card fraud and theft. The cross dresser cried in the courtroom while he begged for mercy. 4 days earlier Santos posted on X that the judge was a pedophile.
After arresting a Milwaukee state judge for aiding and abetting an immigrant from ICE agents Attorney General Pammy Bondi and FBI director Popeye Kash Patel posted their triumph on social media in violation of federal law. Who's going to arrest the Attorney General? Blonde Justice Bondi called the judge "deranged" and promised there would be more. 4 congressmen flew to El Salvador to find the gay hairdresser in the prison camp who is innocent and, yup, no one knows where he is. Creative liar Moses Mike Johnson says he can find 800 billion dollars in Medicaid fraud and Bullwinkle the Moose said watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. Marjorie Traitor Greene says she wants to run for the Senate in Georgia and Trump gave a long incoherent interview with Time magazine where he called the reporter "very nasty" 5 times and ended every topic with "We will be so rich no one will know what to do."
The Pope's funeral was Saturday and Mango Mussolini was the only one not in a black suit. He fought his way to a seat on the front row. During the ceremony he chewed gum, texted on his phone, and fell asleep. Look at the photos of First Whore Third Wife Melania and you can see the Xanax has kicked in. Trump then paid his final respects by standing on the sacred carpet under the casket against church rules.
Late Saturday night United States Washington DC Attorney Ed Martin said they have caught a suspect in the theft of Kristi Noem's purse. They don't have the purse but the suspect is, get ready to laugh, an illegal alien. And that is the "No Shit" winner of the week. After all of this it was time for Dunkin' Donuts coffee and "Meet The Press." Put on protective clothing because here comes the dung.
Miniscule Marco Rubio, the pretend Secretary of State, was first. Donnie Trump is wonderful. We are tired of spending money on Ukraine. We have spent too much time and energy. The Clash "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Our options on Russia are more sanctions, higher tariffs, or sterner finger wags. Be happy we have Trump. The United States and Trump rule. It's very complicated. Trump Trump Trump! We don't need to trust Vladimir Putin. We must rally around President Trump. He's working so hard! Don't ask me about China. China bad. Trump good. Don't worry about the four year old baby with stage four cancer sent to Honduras the other night! Her mom was an illegal! Due process? What the fuck is that? The former Canadian Prime Minister said they cannot exist without us. Trump is peace. Trump is great. Trump Trump Trump! I could have used some adult beverages.
Next was Bernie Sanders. At this point in his career Bernie is Chuck Berry. He just plays the hits. The last time Bernie changed anything was 37 years ago. He went from A1 Sauce to Heinz 57. Trump is Putin's butt buddy. Bend over and say cheese. No one cares about more sanctions on Russia. All negotiations must include and involve Zelenskiy and Ukraine. Trump's economic plan for America is idiotic. Hey Kristen , are you into short term or long term pain? Bernie is not giving the Democrats the bum's rush but something has got to change. The independent senator from Vermont says Michigan Senator Elise Slotkin is a centrist/right leaning gasbag who underestimates the intelligence of the American voter. Baby Making Machine Elon Musk has more than 53 percent of the money than the population of the rest of America. Or something like that. Democrats have no vision for the future. Billionaires control both parties. And don't forget the icy death grip of AIPAC. Careful Bernie. You're playing with fire when you say that. Thank you for your time, and keep shouting at the heavens.
In an Executive Order signed this week Donnie replaced his No Tax on Tips proposal with one called No Tax on Tits. This would authorize free implants for all female models from Scandinavia who want to work at Mar-A-Lago. This week on "The Masked Singer" the panel is gobsmacked when they find out the hideous behemoth who looks like Jelly Roll is actually Jelly Roll.
We're looking for wide open spaces
High above the kitchen
And we're strangers here
On our way to some other place
But I don't know where you go
Do you climb into space
To the world where you live
~ Crowded House ~
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