"Cheap goods are not the essence of the American dream." - Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent.
Congressman Tip O'Neil famously said back in the 1980s that all politics are local. In our day that has changed to all politics are loco. Last Monday the puffed Cheeto Trump said that Ukrainian President Zelenskyy should be more appreciative of America, that we get nothing from Ukraine, Europe should pay for the bulk of Ukraine's military expenses, the United States has been the laughing stock of the world in trade for the last 40 years, and Mexico and Canada cannot avoid tariffs. Waa! The diaper wearing maniac also said Ukraine would get no more weapons nor intelligence from the US. Putin snorted cocaine off the ass of a Moscow prostitute and laughed giddily.
Filthy wrestling promoter Vince McMahon's wife Linda was confirmed as Secretary of the Department of Education. Her first action was to issue a memo declaring they were on their "final mission" as she will dismantle the whole shebang.
Brookie Rollins, head of the USDA, said on Fox that all citizens should buy chickens if they were pissed about the price of eggs. Seriously. And she giggled.
Tuesday night saw a joint address to the Congress and Senate by the Dictator Tot. I wish I'd smoked a joint the size of a carrot as it went on for an hour and 45 minutes. Without going into every detail here are the highlights courtesy of the Lincoln Project: Biden, trans, woke, Musk, boo. He lied repeatedly about dead people receiving Social Security checks, the amount of money we've spent on Ukraine, and the millions we've spent on operations on transgender mice. That would be transgenic mice, Bobo. For mental health and cancer research. He used people for props to show what a wonderful man he is. Earlier in the day Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who should just wear a cheerleader outfit with pom poms, said the fireman who died at the assassination attempt on Trump last fall would be there. That strikes me as gross. Trump told 85 lies. That comes out to a lie every 1.7 minutes. The failed attempt on his life proved he was The Chosen One by God to make America great again. That could result in more people becoming atheists. The Democratic response was from Senator Elissa Slotkin from Michigan. She was as compelling as an episode of "Wheel of Fortune." She told America that life blows right now but it will get better. Gosh! That's reassuring! Reaction the next day was as expected. Democrats said it was pathetic and Republicans said it was as monumental as the Sermon on the Mount. The bright spot of the evening was that Moses Mike Johnson's top aide Hayden Hayes got drunk after the speech and plowed into a parked car. "It pulled right out in front of me!" The power of Mickey's Big Mouths.
On Tuesday Trump announced tariffs on Mexico, Canada, and China. The stock market dropped 1400 points in two days and lost 3 trillion dollars. The Art of the Deal, Daddy-O! The MAGA House voted to censure Democratic Representative Al Green for interrupting titty baby Trump during his address. 10 Democrats joined in fearing retaliation from their base. It's okay for Brian Glenn's sex kitten Marjorie Traitor Greene to do it, but not some 77 year old black guy. Karoline Leavitt said there had never been a more disgusting action at an event ever. I think Karoline having sex with a guy 33 years older than herself is pretty low, but what do I know?
Alpha Male Trump signed another executive order declaring March to be Women's History Month and then went on to say he'd done more for women than any other person in America. Rape and sexual assault come to mind. He also changed his mind on the tariffs to Mexico and Canada but said they'd be reinstated on April 2nd. This domestic policy is referred to as the Duncan Yo Yo.
Shady Vance, tipsy Pete Hegseth, and Tulsi "Pepe Le" Gabbard held a press conference in El Paso, Texas. They discussed the great work they were doing at the border. And they also announced they were forming a three piece rock band named The Bag of Hammers. Hegseth has also removed 26,000 images of women, blacks, and other minorities from the official records of the military. It's all part of Trump's goal of an all white male fighting force. A tip o' the hood to the Ku Klux Klan! The bomber that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima in World War Two was named the Enola Gay. It's now erased from our official records because it's gay! True.
Idiotic Republican Senator John Kennedy, who talks in an exaggerated "Green Acres" Mr Haney style, displayed a wee bit of skepticism about Trump's tariffs while appearing on Fox. He said "Trust in God, but tie up your camel." Okay. Never trust a beautiful woman or a lonely midget. Statistics were released that show 50 percent of consumer spending in America is done by the upper 10 percent. I bought toilet paper last week to do my share. Also Trump announced he was deporting the 240,000 Ukrainian refugees living here. If he blew Putin any stronger you'd hear it in your living room.
Today on "Meet The Press" we had the joy of seeing Commerce Secretary and professional con artist Howard Lutnick. Every idea and policy that comes from him has one purpose: To make Trump more money. The tariffs against Canada are all about stopping the flow of fentanyl. Last year a total of 46 pounds was confiscated at our northern border. Don't laugh too hard. Outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is creating a mess and is "hard to listen to." Trump is "the greatest deal maker in the world!" What about inflation?"Drill baby drill!" There will be no recession and Trump is a winner! Leon Elon Musk is beloved by everyone in the cabinet, and Elon's favorite song is the Blue Oyster Cult's "Dominance and Submission." Howard is that guy who laughs at every joke the boss tells and anybody who doesn't share his opinion is stupid. Please hit me again because it feels so good when you stop.
Our second guest was the aforementioned Elissa Slotkin and she was just as boring as she was Tuesday night. To trim the budget we need to use a scalpel not a sledgehammer. That is becoming the cliche du jour. Nothing gets done in the Congress or Senate because the parties don't trust each other. To which the collective nation said "No shit?" When asked who was leading the Democratic Party she began dancing the Mashed Potato. It's the latest, it's the greatest. Would she have censured Congressman Green? Again no answer. Would she vote for the Republican budget? No answer number three. She did a great imitation of somebody who wasn't there. If this is the future of the Dems color it beige.
In entertainment news, "Wicked" was virtually shut out at the Oscars. It's just me but Ariana Grande's "am I here?" blank expression bugs the Fig Newtons out of me. And we are supposed to think this cat that stars in "Doctor Odyssey" is irresistibly sexy? What? Pete Davidson wasn't available?
Now available from Amazon the DVD boxed set of "Barnaby Jones the Complete Series Director's Cut."
Aim for the country fair, you read it in the paper
The worst thing happens any week, a scandal on the front page
See the happy pair smiling close, like they are monkeys
I knew I'd get what I asked for
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