"It takes two things. With competence and caring we can cut the budget in half."
President Elon Musk 2-11-25
President Elon Musk 2-11-25
According to Ozempic commercials line dancing is a form of exercise.
Millionaire Russell Vought, head of the Office of Management and Budget, said the abolition of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau was necessary because it was "woke and weaponized." Why regulate banks, lenders, and credit card companies?
Drinking wine spo-de-o-dee Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth changed the name of Fort Liberty back to Fort Bragg. But not the Confederate General Bragg! Instead someone on his staff Googled and found an obscure Private from WW 2 named Ronald who won a medal so ha ha liberal bastards! Fooled ya! Pete celebrated with Early Times and Pornhub.
The dementia riddled Orange Jesus Monday sued CBS for 20 billion dollars for editing a "60 Minutes" pre-election interview with Kamala Harris citing irreparable harm and election interference. Alcoholic pill dispenser Dr. Ronnie Jackson of Texas was listed as co-complaint filer so it can be ruled on in Texas by a Trump appointed judge.
Steve Bannon the Human Liver Spot was found guilty of bilking 15 million dollars for his "Build the Wall" foundation but will receive no jail time.
The FEMA scandal of 59 million dollars being spent for illegal immigrants to live in luxury hotels in NYC spread by Musk, Press Secretary Karoline "Pinocchio" Leavitt, Fox, and the New York Post was found to be a fabrication. That dollar amount, approved by the Republican led Congress, was for the entire year and only 19 million was for housing. In tent cities, public shelters, and abandoned buildings. The rest went for food, medical care, and relocation costs. And how many of those immigrants were sent by fun loving Republican Governors Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis and Greg "Dr Phibes in a Wheelchair" Abbott to "stick it to the libs"?
NYC Mayor Eric Adams had his case of accepting bribery money from Turkey dismissed by the corrupt Trump Department of Justice because he agreed to let Border Czar Tom "Muscle of Love" Homan run roughshod and arrest every non white person in Gotham. But it was deemed without prejudice which means those charges can be refiled if Adams doesn't totally capitulate. Homan then appeared on "Fox and Friends" with Adams and said he'd "be up his butt" if that happened. His words not mine.
The European Union, Canada, and Mexico condemned Trump's tariffs on steel and aluminum. This tariff means the price of an 18 pack of Milwaukee's Best Ice cans will go up 25 percent. Hit MAGA where it hurts, baby!
The Associated Press has been barred from the White House press briefings and Oval Office ceremonies because they refuse to acknowledge the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. And the 27 year old who married a 60 year old millionaire Karoline Leavitt told CNN reporter Kaitlin Collins talking to her or the President is a privilege and not a right. Fuck off.
Tuesday also saw the strangest press conference in my memory as the First Felon sat slumped at his desk while the Ketamine Kid Elon Musk, with his 4 year old son as his assassination shield, fielded questions from the media for 35 minutes. Baby X (that is the child's name, which will make it easy for him to sign autographs) picked his nose and wiped the green nuggets on the Resolute Desk. Epic television! Musk lied, made up numbers, told stories of 150 year olds still getting Social Security checks, and that government resignations can only be carried one envelope at a time into a granite cave by elevator. It's true the office is in a cave, but you can put them in boxes. He admitted to lying about the 50 million dollars for rubbers for Hamas story, but he said shit happens. And he laughed and said Americans don't approve of spending money for birth and disease control. And since every rubber costs the government 3 cents apiece, 50 million dollars worth turns your head around. Musk also said the public voted for this and overwhelmingly approved of him. And I'm a dead ringer for a young Paul Newman.
On Wednesday it was revealed that One Eyed $Kash Patel lied to the Senate about him not ordering the firing of 10 FBI agents who investigated the Mango Mussolini. However, this perjury is not expected to derail his approval as FBI director.
Also on Wednesday the Inspector General of USAID said we had a half a million dollars worth of food for foreign countries loaded on ships rotting because Trump and Musk halted their shipping. The next day Trump fired him. Fuck off number two. And the Pope criticized the United States cruelty towards its treatment and deportation of immigrants. Brass Knuckles Czar Tom Homan told the Pope to "mind his own business" and told Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez she was next on his arrest list. Homan now wants to hire independent contractors to monitor the press and social media to find detractors of ICE for possible criminal charges and imprisonment.
The 19 year old Canadian on Musk's DOGE squad who calls himself "Big Balls" has been placed as a senior advisor at the State Department. Republican Congresswoman and transphobe Nancy Mace gave a 90 minute speech on her survival of being raped in her youth. She was flanked by fellow Congresswomen Lauren "Public Hand Job on Video" Boebert and former pole dancer Anna Paulina Luna. Mace posted a toll free number to call for assistance. When you call the number you are told to leave a message and describe your incident in detail. They'll get back to you. Georgia Republican Congressman Earl "Buddy" Carter introduced a bill authorizing the United States to annex Greenland and change its name to Red, White, and Blue Land. Tulsi Gabbard (Hindu Science of Identity name Shraddha Dasi) was sworn in as National Security Director by Blonde Justice Attorney General Pam Bondi and took the oath on a stack of papers. She didn't use a Bible because if she had used a Koran Tantric Sex Kitten Marjorie Traitor Greene would have burst into flames. The Pentagon approved the purchase of 400 million dollars worth of Tesla cyber trucks. They will slap some steel on them but they'll still burst into flames upon impact with anything. Of course there is no conflict of interest for Elon Musk about this and if there was he'd let us know. Robert F Kennedy Jr was sworn in as Director of Health and Human Services and promptly said God delivered Trump to us. And the nation is seeing outbreaks of measles.
The European Union met for its yearly security summit and Trump sent the Junior Varsity. First Bottoms Up Pete Hegseth told them the United States would be Uncle Sam not Uncle Sucker and VP Shady Vance said Russia and China weren't their biggest threats but their own citizens were. Both of them told Ukraine to do the Fleetwood Mac and go their own way. Trump said he and Putin would decide what to do about Ukraine and that no way can Ukraine join NATO. Trump has made the deal before negotiations have even begun. Vance met with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and told him to sign a paper that would relinquish half of Ukraine's mineral rights as "repayment" to the United States. Zelenskyy told Vance to put on more eyeliner and to stuff that piece of paper in his chipmunk sized cheeks. The European leaders en masse condemned both Hegseth's and Vance's presentations. Watch the Hegseth speech to watch him speak in unintelligible bursts and Vance's to hear no one applaud him except his 3 aides. Afterwards Special Advisor Alina Habba went on Fox and said all of the billionaires on Trump's cabinet had sold their companies and we could trust them. Karoline "Golddigger" Leavitt waved a stack of papers and claimed they were documented evidence of waste and fraud. She read 3, gave no names of companies or individuals, would not share them with the press, but said the code word "DEI" for all 3.
The longest running show on television is not "Law and Order SVU" but instead it's "Meet The Press." Today it was the aforementioned Volodymyr Zelenskyy and he covered a wide variety of topics. Here are the highlights. There will be no deal with Russia without Ukraine's approval. He does trust Trump, but he didn't sound that enthusiastic in his response. Putin lies about wanting peace. Zelenskyy called Trump a strong man because he knows if you compliment the Titty Baby he'll like you. Will Trump negotiate in good faith? Eddie Floyd says knock on wood. If we don't stop Putin here Russia will gobble up the rest of Europe like the mashed potatoes bin at the Golden Corral. Russia is just warming up in the bullpen like a relief pitcher. Kristen then asked the ridiculous question: what would you say to Putin if he was sitting right here? And Barbara Walters would have asked if you were an apple would you be a Red Delicious or a Pink Lady? He said Ukraine desperately needs the help from the United States but if they don't get it they won't turn tail. They are not giving up the land they have lost nor they cannot be told they can't join NATO. Zelenskyy's final statement was he thought it was insidious that the incredible movie "Thelma" was not in the Best Picture category for next week's Oscars.
The Kansas City Chiefs were destined to lose the Super Bowl last week after Mushroom Member picked them to win. Kanye West sold 2 million dollars worth of his swastika t-shirts last week until Shopify pulled the ad. It is what the styling Nazis will be wearing this spring! I didn't know his wife Bianca Censori was a model AND an architect. Damn. And to celebrate President's Day tomorrow let's honor the spirit and patriotism of Richard Nixon by guzzling a fifth of Early Times Bourbon and cranking the soundtrack of "Victory at Sea" on the stereo.
Dead leaves always give up motion I no longer feel the motion Where prophecy fails, the falling motion "Don't report this, agents of fortune" All praise He's found the awful truth
~ Blue Öyster Cult ~
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