"You miss one hundred percent of the shots that you don't take." The great one, Wayne Gretzky.
Last Tuesday was the Debate that Rocked the World. The former president and adjudicated rapist Donnie "Where's Melania?" Trump and the untested challenger Kamala "Smiles" Harris faced off. Kamala got the jump by walking right over to the Soggy Bottom Boy, putting out her hand, and saying her name. It was the equivalent or raising an eyebrow, lightning a cigarette, and saying "Bond. James Bond."
She started out cautious, but within 10 minutes she had complete control. According to the handy dandy fib o meter, Trump told 51 in 1 hour and 44 minutes. He did not liked being fact checked, and in fairness Kamala was only called out 3 times. But the strategy of pissing off the Mango Mussolini paid off in dollars and doughnuts as Trump gripped the podium, stared straight ahead, and not only lost his cool but also the tête-à-tête.
In his blind determination to make the entire election revolve around crime and immigration he screamed out the VD Vance propagated, neo-nazi supplied, baseless story that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio are eating the public's cats, dogs, and geese. When told by ABC News moderator David Muir that there was no evidence of that Trump screamed back "It was on tv!" Well, if it was on television! After repeating the totally false claim that Democrats kill babies post birth, Trump was quickly remanded by moderator Lindsay Davis and told him that he was full of Malt O Meal. Trump had not been spanked this hard since Stormy "Great Lungs" Daniels did it with a rolled up copy of Fortune magazine. If this had been a boxing match the referee would have stopped it in the sixth round. So now we know what's been happening to the cats and dogs. If you want answers to the gerbil shortage ask Richard Gere.
Immediately after the debate, childless cat lady Taylor Swift posted that she was endorsing Harris and Tim Walz. This set the ultra right wing ablaze in anger. Megyn Kelly got on her horse, looked into her podcast camera and yelled "Fuck you, Taylor Swift!" VD Vance said people could care less about the opinions of out of touch billionaires, totally forgetting who his running mate was. Television pastor Lance Wallnau claimed that Kamala used witchcraft on Trump. Trump himself claimed that Kamala's earrings were radio transmitters that fed her instructions. Trump then claimed that he, not her, won the debate in a landslide. He then declared there would be no more debates. Then today he told the press that he might debate her again "if he was in the mood." As of this writing there is no timetable as to when Melania will be "in the mood" again.
The other hot story last week was the sizzling range war between conspiracy theorist and racist Laura Loomer and conspiracy theorist and racist Marjorie Traitor Greene. First Laura posted that if Kamala won the election the White House would reek of curry and that all incoming phone calls would be handled by people who didn't speak English. Then for the two point conversion Loomer added that it was 2024 and Lindsay Graham should just tell the world that he's gay. Boom chakalaka! Hell hath no fury. Marjorie grabbed the press and told them that Laura did not represent MAGA and that she should clap her trap and go sit on a Ritz. Well this got back to Laura (who has Shannon Doherty's cheekbones and Dara Rene's lips) and she posted that Little Miss Wonderful should mind the "Arby's she had in her pants." Wow! I personally hopes this goes on and on! I like a good battle royale as much as the next pud.
In business news this week our shares in Trump Media stock dropped to 15 dollars a share, but the man who has filed for 6 bankrupcies is lauching a new line of crypto currencies this week in another brilliant move. Blood from a stone!
For those of you who slept in or washed your hair here is today's "Meet The Press" highlights. First it was heartthrob and VP hopeful VD Vance. He had on his trademark mascara and his patented "what me worry" glaze. When asked about Big Daddy Trump's ever shifting stance on abortion VD said he had learned his lesson: Never give a straight answer! Just prattle on about immigrants! When asked about the fake Haitian animal eating stories he propagated he lied and said he had heard the 911 calls. When asked now about the bomb threats Springfield, Ohio is receiving from angry white men VD answered tough titty, kitty! To make an omelet you gotta break some eggs! He could care less about Laura Loomer, and he only picks and chooses which stories to believe on the internet. Have a nice day!
Next was the perfect haircut and winsome demeanor of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. Did you know that in presidential succession Transportation Secretary is number 13? Pete said the 15,000 Haitians in Springfield were a strain on the public resources but they were good for the job base and the economic growth. When asked about the policy stances Kamala has changed in the last 4 years Pete said he used to like raisin bran but he's not too keen on it now. He said border policies are an ever evolving thing shifting like your uncle's vintage lava lamp. When asked why the public still thinks Trump would handle the economy better Pete went mumbo jumbo and said the future lies ahead. You don't say. Pete's affable and engaging, but after it's all over you're still waiting for the main course. Think of a Pop Tart instead of a plate of biscuits and gravy.
In entertainment news Tom Brady began his career as an NFL analyst last week and I'll buy you a Schlitz Malt Liqour tall boy if you can show me a single wrinkle on his face.
The annual Video Music Awards were presented last week and if you didn't know musical bands or groups are now illegal. If you are in a band you are living in a fantasy and should seek help.
Gonna sneeze some dust that you got buzzed on.
You know it's so hard to please.
Newcastle Brown can sure smack you down.
You take a greasy whore and a rolling dance floor.
You know you're jailhouse bound.
~ Humble Pie ~
No comments:
Post a Comment