Last week was filled with stunning achievements, outlandish accomplishments, and never before seen acts of astonishment. And there was the Summer Olympics. More on that later.
The action began last Tuesday with Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris announcing Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate for November. This was met with a general feeling of good will among the party faithful, but also a scrambling into an ant farm like frenzy by the MAGA hit squad. While MAGA VP pick VD Vance continued his "I'm just like you" tour of the United States, his Boss Hogg Donnie Trump was relaxing with Big Macs and Diet Cokes at the place he only rents but doesn't own, Mar-A-Lago. He did post on his Dollar Store Twitter Truth Social that her name is now officially "Kambabla." None of us know why, but so what? And if you put your lunch money in that stock when it came out at $75 a share be aware that it's now going for $20 and change. You haven't heard EF Hutton speak in about 40 years and now you know why.
Also on Tuesday the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that restaurants can advertise boneless chicken wings on their menus even if they contain bones. A man sued because in his rapid gorging of said wings he swallowed one with bones and it tore his esophagus. Sorry, Charlie. We want wings that taste good, not wings with good taste. And you now roll the dice at your own risk when you order chicken fingers.
On Wednesday the intrepid Liz Wheeler on Blaze TV called out VP Nominee Walz on a report from the British tabloid the Daily Mail that he had a affair 20 years ago with his family's nanny. Memories of the Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger came to mind. The shock value though was minimal since this story has been out also for over 20 years. If you've never watched Blaze TV on your cable, satellite, or streaming service be aware that it's for those who find Fox "News" too liberal.
On that same day the cancellation of 3 Taylor Swift concerts in Vienna was announced due to the discovery and arrest of a trio of terrorists, recruited by Isis via the internet, who threatened violence. The police found explosive materials, but with no detonation devices or instructions. The three attention seeking hooligans vow to beat the rap and go on to form a rock band called Dino, Desi, and Billy.
After Democrats covered the airwaves for the beginning of last week it was MAGA Republican dress up and gab day on Thursday. First it was the man who Googles dolphin porn (look it up) VD Vance being asked by a reporter with all his talk of misery and doom what makes him smile? His Mercury Morris speed like retort was "Bogus questions from the media! Ha ha ha!" You gotta give it to old Whipsmart Vance! But that was just the warm up for the show stopper. "Press Conference at Mar-A-Lago by Big Daddy Donnie!" Cue up "Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers. The Mango Mussolini blathered for one hour and five minutes being showered with mostly whiffle ball inquiries by faceless and inaudible reporters except the ever present Maggie Hagerman of the New York Times. Did you know she has said she's saving her good stuff from over the last 9 years for a monster big book in the future? Goody goody for her. Trump did not so much answer anything, but instead just used them for springboards to his talking points. Are you ready? The country's future is at stake! Kambabla and Tim are nuts! The media is not honest! Kambabla is the Border Czar! 20 million illegals are in our country! Kambabla cannot do interviews because she doesn't know how to talk! He is America's greatest victim, he is immune to all laws, and he draws crowds larger than anyone in recorded history! The governor of Georgia can bite his crank! He'll debate Kambabla and he'll clean her clock! She is stupid and he knows more about everything than anybody! Horse, man, camera, Chevy Impala, spoon! When asked about his questions about the need for NATO he shook his head and called the reporter an idiot. Only he can bring our country back to respectability in this world! What is not to love about Donald J Trump? And don't laugh at him or it's curtains for you! And don't worry about Social Security or Medicare because he'll pay for it forever with all our nation's untapped oil! And he'll pay off the nation's debt by just writing a 36 trillion dollar crypto check! He actually says this! I want Donnie Trump's bong! He made up a story about being almost being killed in a helicopter crash with San Francisco Mayor Wille Brown 40 years ago, but I digress. To say it was a total waste of time would be shaming time wasting. Look up the story on VD Vance claiming Tim Walz's 24 years of service in the National Guard was "stolen valor." Then look up what Vance did in his 6 months of Marine service in Iraq. Press relations. Not exactly Sgt. Nick Fury there cupcake.
In international news Ukraine last week captured Russian territory on the western perimeter and the Soviets are petitioning the United Nations claiming war crimes. I shit you not. To even out the washed up wrestler news last week Jesse "The Body" Ventura has endorsed Kambabla and Tim. Take that Hulk Hogan. The world lies in await for the pick of "They Live" Rowdy Roddy Piper. And in entertainment news Springfield , Missouri's own Rona Barrett Jeremy Rabe is ecstatic over the premiere of "Dance Moms 2" on Hulu. He gushed on local morning television if this could be the birth of a new social sensation on the level of Honey Boo Boo? Honey Boo Boo?! During the aforementioned Olympics a French pole vaulter lost his bid for a medal because his body cleared the bar his hanging genitalia did not, knocking the bar to the ground. And tv replayed this clip 6 times. Now who's the real winner here? Medals come and go.
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