It's Sunday with Dan | 2024 June 23

I threw away my lucky penny, rabbit's foot and gypsy ring. Brave American Valatina Gomez, Republican running for Secretary of State of Missouri, released a campaign video last week where she said "black people should get the fuck out of America!" Well now we know her platform. It was revealed that Donnie "Soggy Bottom Boy" Trump's campaign rally at the negro church in Detroit was attended by 9 black people. And 7 of them were sitting with him on the dias. Including the bought and paid for woman who was filmed hugging his soiled body at the Chick-fil-A 4 weeks ago. "Black people love Trump!" I have not seen that many white people in a room since I watched a rerun of "Hee Haw."

The greatest dictator since Adolph Hitler, Vladimir Putin went to North Korea last week to exchange nuclear secrets with the 4 foot Kim Jung Un for more weapons to prop up his failing war against Ukraine. They pledged to be besties and to share all vintage copies of Hustler magazine they buy on Ebay.

Also on Tuesday Sean Hannity said Uncle Joe Biden will be hopped up on cocaine for his debate against Felonious Monk Donnie Trump this Thursday.

The Boston Celtics won the NBA title over the hapless Dallas Mavericks, and if there is anything more boring than pro basketball it must be a marathon of "Saved By the Bell" reruns. By the way, what did Elizabeth Berkley do after "Showgirls?"

And on the same day Justin Timberlake was popped for drunken driving and resisting arrest. Isn't he married to Jessica Beil? It could have been worse. Remember when Eddie Murphy got arrested for getting a blow job in his car by a transvestite ?

On Wednesday the best 5 tool player in baseball history Willie Mays died at the age of 93. Yrs truly got to watch him on my 12 inch tv and to say the least he was the most. Over 3000 hits, lifetime. 300 batting average, over 300 home runs, and over 300 stolen bases. Like Little Richard he's the king.

And the Governor of Louisiana Jeff Landry signed a law that requires every classroom in his state must have a framed poster of the Ten Commandments on the wall. If you are a Muslim fuck you. Go to You Tube and watch the video of him signing the law as the 11 year old girl collapses behind him and he ignores her. And the Gladys Kravitz to his right screams " It's the word of Moses!" Of course the first people to cheer this new law were upstanding Christians Donnie "Grab them by the pussy" Trump and Lauren "Peter Beater" Boebert. And let's not forget the outstanding Republican Congressman Clay "Ghost Buses" Higgins, who added the 11th Commandment "Thou shalt pistol whip a handcuffed suspect."

In a surprise ruling Friday the Supreme Court declared that assholes who beat women can't have guns. It was an 8-1 decision. The objecting vote was the grifting porn fanatic Clarence "What's in it for me" Thomas. He said that the Constitution says that every maniac should be packing a rod "just in case." And speaking of maniacs, yesterday's mass shootings in Arkansas puts our country at over 230 this year. For those of you scoring at home a mass shooting is when 4 or more people are hurt.

And this brings us to the highlight o' the week "Meet The Press." Again Kristen Welker is on maternity leave so we have the pleasure of Peter Alexander asking the questions that are not answered. Leading off was Mitch Landrieu, the co-chairman of Uncle Joe Biden's reelection campaign. To say he was a safe as milk would be an insult to the lactose intlorent. Is Uncle Joe the underdog in this week's debate? Do sheep play chess? Why do the polls show people trust 6 bankruptcies Donnie more than Uncle Joe? Because people are stupid. Groceries are 20 percent higher since Biden became president. Go ask the Jolly Green Giant about that. Why is Biden losing voters among the Latin community? Because he doesn't buy Shakira cds. Why is he running again? What, you want Kamala Harris who would get beat like a Chicago White Sox relief pitcher? Give me some air! After a snifter of Jim Beam it was time for America's favorite gun toting dog killer South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem. Now be aware that she married the convicted rapist Cory Lewandowski so she's on the up and up. Her book came out 2 months ago and 245 proud Americans have bought it. She has new lips, cheekbones, teeth, and hair extensions. And you thought Lindsey Wagner was the 6 million dollar woman. Here we go cats and kittens. Trump is Jesus and Biden is Belelzebug. China violates every trade deal and we should abolish income taxes with a tariff on everything we buy. That would raise consumer prices by 85 percent but who cares? She is a farmer and a rancher just like Oliver Wendall Douglas on "Green Acres." She refused to answer the question about her talking to Kim Jung Un that she wrote about in her book. She would kill her dog again and she'd kill you too, so head's up pal. No abortions ever and free every January 6th rioter. Wow. What a woman. When asked about her future ambitions she said she would like to play the scheming Jill Abbott on "The Young and the Restless."

After all of this it was time for the gasbags on "The Roundtable." Good Lord I was not ready for this. The 400 pound Symone Sanders-Townsend was wearing green eyeshadow. There is a reason I am rarely seen in public.

 

My, my, my, look at them go by
Pie in the sky makes you gonna cry

Old jokers gonna be kings for the day

~ Dr. Feelgood ~