It was revealed this week that the world's richest man Donnie "Depends" Trump doesn't have the money to post bonds for the E. Jean Carroll rape and defamation suits and the New York civil fraud suit. He asked to only pay partial amounts because everyone knows he's good for it. Trust him. "Can I pay you Tuesday for a cheeseburger today?"
On Wednesday Moscow Mitch McConnell announced that he would be stepping down as the Senate Majority Leader come November. The first to dance on his grave was America's Pipsqueak Missouri Republican Josh Hawley. The fastest man alive declared that he was calling for Mitch to hit the bricks two years ago. Mitch will continue to stare into space until his term expires in 2027. His legacy will be that of rejecting all gun legislation, rejecting all campaign finance reform, and blocking Barack Obama from nominating a Supreme Court Justice. "Never in a presidential election year!" He then rammed in 3 Trump appointed justices, including Amy "My father is a dicey religious extremist" Comey Barrett in three weeks before Trump got whipped in 2020. Once Trump was elected McConnell became a sniveling midget and said that even though Trump was responsible for the violent coup of January 6th he could not vote to impeach him. Kiss the whip, Mitch.
Thursday the much ballyhooed closed door testimony of Hunter Biden and his kielbasa occurred. James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer screamed for this to happen for months. Not surprisingly Comer left the 6 hour inquisition early and didn't ask Hunter a single question. Nancy "The Silk Torpedo" Mace told reporters Hunter lied throughout the hearing. When asked for specific examples the Republican Congresswoman said she had no time as she was late for her afternoon quickie.
The bought and paid for Supreme Court announced they would rule on Donnie Trump's presidential immunity case the last week of April. This, of course, delays the starts of his criminal trials by months. The penniless whistle-dick is claiming presidential immunity from all crimes and sexually transmitted diseases.
"Meet The Press" has now entered a creative rut as guests are being recycled like roaches into new joints. Fresh off a losing streak rivaling the Detroit Red Wings, The Velvet Hammer Nikki Haley returned to be asked the same questions over and over by Kristen Welker. Buckle up, kids. Can she possibly win the Republican Presidential nomination? Just like Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions she's going to keep on pushing. As long as she is competitive she will stay in, and it's the media's fault she's being ignored. Do you want more of Trump's demented madness, or do you want Nikki's program of fiscal responsibility, secure borders, and children with competent reading abilities? Personally I honed my reading skills by studying "Letters to Penthouse" in my formative years. Would Nikki endorse Orange Jesus? She doesn't like him or Biden. "We deserve better than 80 year old men!" So much for Tom Selleck. Would Trump abide by the Constitution? Nikki grabbed her Magic 8 Ball and it says "ask me later." All embryos are babies, but Nikki hid behind the old state's rights bullshit clause. Will we ever get a consensus on this issue? Nikki ducked that question like an errant Doc Ellis on acid fastball. 3 times Kristen asked her about running as a third party candidate and she got the same answer every time. "No." A 20 minute interview with the Velvet Hammer is like gratuitous go take a leak drum solo at a Motley Crue reunion tour concert.
The next return guest was Democratic Representative from Michigan Debbie Dingell. She is famous for wearing more jewelry than Elton John. 100,000 Democratic voters cast their ballots for the ever popular Uncommitted in the Michigan primary. Debbie said sure Muslims are pissed off, but who the hell isn't these days? Is she concerned that only 26 percent of Democrats are enthusiastic about Uncle Joe running again? Well Debbie says she's not one to kiss and tell, but Uncle Joe knows what's going on and he'll start getting more active when the weather gets warmer. Uncle Joe did go to the southern border last week and spoke at Brownsville Station. In addition to addressing the border situation he also declared his lifetime admiration for Cub Koda and "Smoking In the Boy's Room." He said Dr. Jill preferred the seven minute " Martian Boogie." When asked if the campaign is shielding Joe from war protesters Debbie said at least he talks about it, unlike "You Love Me" Trump. The United States is air dropping ready to eat meals into Palestine. These consist of Underwood Deviled Ham, Fritos, and Hunt's Snack Pack Pudding. When asked if Biden felt the urgency of the moment Debbie said the last time that happened he was at the movies. It was the guy sitting next to him.
The winner of last year's Maury Povich "You're the Father" award 18 year old Tyler Boebert was arrested on 22 counts, including 5 felony charges, by the Rifle, Colorado police last week. The oldest son of 37 year old mother Republican Representative Lauren Boebert led a crime wave. Among the charges were possession and use of stolen credit cards, robbing a woman suffering from a brain tumor of 74 dollars, and (sit down for this one) filming and distributing a sex video of him with a minor. For you legal buffs out there you know the last charge is a federal offense. This will hinder his scholarship to Yale. The response from the hands on congresswoman was the usual thoughts and prayers. Third rate romance, low rent rendezvous Nature or nurture?
Hey you're a riddle I say as I move aside
Like I really need your advice
But you won't leave it alone
Little men try but don't get a lot done
Living in sin doesn't move me either way
I get a feeling that you're so vague
Like I said before, little men come when anything goes
~The Offspring~
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