60 years ago when the great comedian Lenny Bruce died the asshat Mort Sahl famously said that he had thought of all the jokes that Lenny told but he didn't say them because he had too much class. Brush my teeth and call me smiley. After the murder of Russian dissident Alexie Navalny last week your favorite president Donnie Trump compared himself to Navalny, saying that he too was being persecuted. Remember that the odiferous one has also said that no other president in American history has been treated worse than him. I guess getting your brains blown out like Lincoln or Kennedy doesn't count. Let's also be aware that although Navalny was a strident foe of Vladimir "Don't Fuck With Me" Putin, he was also a white nationalist who hated Muslims. Every rose has its thorns.
Also last week the smartest man in the world, Newt Gingrich, told Fox "News" that Uncle Joe Biden was as evil as Putin. America then told Newt to eat a box of Vanilla Wafers and go back to bed.
The sexy beast Donnie had two hours on Fox "News" last week being fawned over by the hostess with the leastest Laura Ingraham. She gushed over his fabulous sense of humor and begged for the return of his nude model wife Melania. Together they are the Captain and Tenille of fascism.
The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that all frozen embryos are humans, and that any disposal of them is murder. Chief Justice Colonel Tom Parker declared that all laws come from God, not Buddha nor Clint Eastwood. Next on the Alabama docket is the reinstituting of burning witches at the stake and retaining the tax exempt status of the Ku Klux Klan.
Scheming like Victor Von Doom the spineless Kevin McCarthy has anointed 8 candidates to primary against the 8 Republicans who voted him out of his Speakership of the House. His two main targets are Matt "No ID Required" Gaetz and Nancy "The Silk Torpedo" Mace.
Today was a Robert Cray morning with a cup of coffee and a shot of Early Times on the side for another captivating episode of " Meet The Press." Our first passenger on the Love Boat was National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan. Here we go. Of course Ukraine can beat Russia. They just need guns, guns, guns. Can Uncle Joe close the southern border by himself? Nope. That's up to the Orange Jesus's coffee boy Moses Mike Johnson. Will there be more Russian election interference this year? How's your AT&T cell phone working, pal? Does the USA have any idea what Bennie Netanyahu's new doomsday plan against Palestine is? Nah, but we'll let ya know! They give you kisses if you shoot a rubber duck.
Next on the cavalcade of stars was Republican Congressman from Florida Byron Donalds. He arrived just in time after giving his weekly knob shine to Donnie Trump. He wants to be Trump's vice president so bad you would think he was Kari Lake. He had a lot to say. America is terrible. Uncle Joe is a traitor. Every Negro in America loves Donnie Trump. He used to support Ukraine, but now they can go to Hell. The border must be secured. There are Mexicans in Detroit! Joe Biden supports sex slavery. When Kristen Welker asked him about frozen embryos he had a convoluted answer that clocked in at a minute and 45 seconds. I thought it was a Johnny Winter guitar solo. Donalds comes off as a genuinely unlikable chap.
Our final guest was the Hollywood heartthrob Democratic California Governor Gavin Newsom. He has better hair than Daniel Craig. He was formerly married to the human inflatable doll Kimberly Guilfoyle. She is now the fiancé of America's favorite cocaine addict Donnie Trump Jr. The Alabamy Mammy decision is all Trump's fault. Trump is full of shit and syphilis has made him insane. Gavin will not run for president because Uncle Joe is the man. He said that Moses Mike Johnson is an Oscar Mayer weiner, and that we should "worry less and do more." He also made disparaging comments about Fox "News."
It was revealed last week that Kelly Clarkson had sold her soul to Wayfair. She was compensated with a hide a bed sofa and a Grand Slam Breakfast at Dennys. Upon seeing that Beyonce was the first black woman to have the number one country song in American history, the has-been who never was, John Schneider expressed outrage. He, of course, never found work after "The Dukes of Hazard." Smoke a blunt and listen to his butchering of "It's Now or Never."
The graduate of the Hair Club for Men Jason Aldean has also declared war against Queen Bey. His new song "If You Don't Look Like Me (I'll Kill You)" will be released next week...
Try that in a small town. You know where to find me. Don't creep up behind me. I'm always around.
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