It's Sunday with Dan | 2024 February 18

Last week Kansas City joined 1929 Chicago with the distinction of having a Valentine's Day Massacre. At the conclusion of the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl victory party a pair of juveniles decided to play the National Rifle Association's favorite party game "Shoot To Kill." Before the 850 good guys with guns could stop the 2 bad guys with guns 1 person was dead and 22 were wounded. Did you know that in 2023 Missouri was number 4 in the nation in gun deaths? Did you know that 53.8 percent of Missouri citizens own guns? Did you know the nation has already had 49 mass shootings this year? Here's a bullet for your boyfriend. A mere six hours later in North Charleston, South Carolina before a cheering crowd of patriotic Americans Donnie "Dung Beetle" Trump declared that the real tragedy was not the shooting but his own stolen election in 2020.

Although the Super Bowl was the highest rated television airing since the moon landing in 1969, neither Matt "Teenage Kicks" Gaetz nor Megyn Kelly watched because they were incensed that "Lift Every Voice and Sing" was performed before the game. Screw Black History Month. Gaetz posted on social media that he forbade his wife from watching also, to which his wife asked if Cardi B was singing. Wham! The solid right to the stomach followed by the left hook to the temple played to perfection like the great South African bantamweight boxer Philip "The Time Bomb" N'dou. 

 

On Valentine's Day the Orange Jesus posted on his ridiculous Dollar Store Twitter Truth Social that you could show your love for nude model/first lady Melania by donating to his various slush funds. Diaper Donnie also this week basically told the Republican National Committee that their new co-chairs were going to be North Carolina election denier Michael Whatley and daughter-in-law Lara Trump. And that every penny raised would be spent entirely on him. Grab a Stag beer and go to YouTube and look up Lara's incredible version of Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down." When you quit laughing, tell yourself that if you were rich you could make records, too. 

On Friday the New York civil fraud court case ruled that the Trump Gang owed 364 million dollars over the years of defrauding banks by inflating/deflating property values and outright lying. There goes the inheritance! The beautiful Alina Habba has now been paid 6 million dollars and has yet to win a case. 

Speaking of liars, James " Foghorn Leghorn" Comer's number one smoking gun in the Uncle Joe Biden impeachment inquiry turned out to be arrested Friday on grounds of lying to the FBI. Alexander Smirnoff (great name) and his claims of Uncle Joe and son Hunter getting 10 million dollars from shady Ukrainians are as true as the claims that Pete Davidson has talent. The only times Comer Pyle and the slimey Jim Jordan aren't making asses of themselves apparently is when they're sleeping.

And after all that last week we awoke Sunday to another mediocre "Meet The Press." Our first guest was the heretofore unknown Ohio Republican Congressman Mike Turner. He made headlines this week by saying that Russia had nuclear anti-satellite weapons in space and Uncle Joe was hiding the facts from the American people. Do not confuse these weapons with Marjorie Traitor Greene's Jewish space lasers. Everyone agrees with him that this is a dangerous thing. He did not announce this to cause undue panic. He does agree with those that say we must help Ukraine, and that Casper Milqetoast Moses Mike Johnson will get that done. Ignore the fact that Johnson says we must first fix the border and we can't fix the border until Trump is president. When asked if he condones Trump saying Putin should attack any NATO nation he wants, Turner went with the old defense of boys will be boys. Turner insisted that Trump was just talking out of his hat to gin up his base. He then made the absurd statement that " all legal analysts" agree that Trump is innocent of all charges of financial fraud. Turner carries the water for the con man. 

Next was the Queen of Democratic Talking Points, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar. Uncle Joe was cleared of all potential charges with the documents in his garage next to his collection of autographed copies of TV Guide. In particular the Mike Connors is Mannix issue. Amy assured us that Uncle Joe is as sharp as a 7 a.m. gin and tonic. She was shown an editorial in today's New York Times by Ezra Klein that stated that Democrats are idiots if they don't realize Biden is a dimwitted out of it fool. To which Ms. Klobuchar replied "Who the hell is Ezra Klein?" Kristen Welker continues to argue the point that the only economic factor the public cares about is grocery prices. Klobuchar countered with the usual list of abortion, bipartisan border policy, and election deniers. Nobody wants a return to the chaos Trump brings, and la la la means I love you. And she's all in for Ukraine. She's not Josh "The Pipsqueak" Hawley. 

Remember the great Monty Python public affairs spoof called "Who Cares?" That was our next segment today called " Meet The Moment." Ronald Reagan's daughter Nancy (nude in Playboy 1994) has a book out and she wants you to spend what change you have left over from buying groceries on it. It's an extended love letter to Ronald and mother Nancy. She was asked what her father would want to leave as his legacy. You know what Ronald Reagan's legacy is? Remember when the air traffic controllers went on strike? And remember what Reagan told them? "You can't go on strike because you're all fired!" And that boys and girls is the true legacy of the Gipper. 

I would be remiss if I failed to inform you that Huckster Trump has two new products for you to buy from him. First is the cologne "47" which captures the romantic scent of soiled diapers. Only $99.99 a bottle. And then spray painted gold high top basketball shoes. Only $399.99 a pair. Roll over Chuck Taylor, tell Michael Jordan the news.

 

Swallowing flames sinking in the snow
He enjoys feeling pain, he enjoys peeling slow
Lagartija Nick, it's no dumb show
Your name's on his whip

Crack the whip

~Bauhaus~