In good news there are only 241 days until the presidential election. In bad news there are still 241 days until the presidential election. Last Monday the Supreme Court was faced with a fourth down and 17 at their own 9 yard line and opted to punt. In an unanimous decision they ruled that Donnie "I did nothing wrong" Trump could not be removed from ballots for violating the 14th Amendment. Only the Congress has the authority to do that. Republicans have the majority in Congress, so say goodbye to that option.
Also on Monday the universally unliked Arizona Independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema announced she would not seek reelection. She declared that she was going to cash out her pension and become a model for Lane Bryant. The Velvet Hammer Nikki Haley won the Republican presidential primaries in Vermont and Washington DC, but the odoriferous Godzilla Donnie Trump won the other 14 available states on Super Taco Tuesday. The sexy beast celebrated by shoveling 7 Big Macs into his pie-hole. He then passed out covered in drool and special sauce.
On Wednesday the Hammer "suspended" her race. But before we hand Trump the Fez of the Grand Poobah realize that in every primary 25 to 45 percent of Republicans voted for someone else besides him. A lot of people in his own party can't stand him. That does not bode well in the big picture. The MAGA party begged the parents of the late Laken Riley to attend the State of the Onion Thursday so they could be paraded around like show ponies. She was the Georgia college student murdered by an illegal "on parole" immigrant from Venezuela. However, the parents respectfully declined. Don't forget the infamous Willie Horton political advertisement of 1988 by the master hitman Lee Atwater that was key in sinking Michael Dukakis' bid for president. Google that at your leisure and get ready now for Laken Riley to be used ad infinitum this year to smear Uncle Joe.
Thursday night was the aforementioned State of the Onion and if you missed it I hope the "Big Bang Theory" rerun was good. Uncle Joe Biden came out swinging like Cassius Clay versus Sonny " Got His Breaks" Liston. Uncle Joe attacked the tax code, the Republicans killing border reform, gave the stink eye to the Supreme Court for nullifying Roe v. Wade, and mentioned He Who Would Not Be Named 13 times by my scorecard. As is now a proud Republican tradition he was mercilessly booed and heckled throughout the one hour forty minute speech. But, just like last year, Joe heckled back. This energy and willingness to mix it up surprised many. By speaking forcefully and yelling at times to drown out the boo birds in the house led to some great conclusions. Mainly, the intellectuals at Fox "News" like Sean Hannity and Jesse Watters declared that Biden was on drugs. He was hopped up on speed! This is great! From now on he is to be called Joe "Motorhead" Biden!
Then the evening got really, really good with the Republican response by Alabama Senator Katie Britt. In the pregame coverage she was touted as a rising star in the party, and her press secretary said that she should be referred to as "America's Mom."
The next 17 minutes was unlike anything seen before in a political setting. In her made for TV kitchen the woman who married an NFL player told a tale of unrelenting doom and agony. She told in grisly detail of a Mexican woman brought to America by a drug cartel to be gang raped by men for days never-ending in a room the size of a shoebox. And it was all the fault of Satan, uh, Motorhead Joe. Well upon research it was revealed that this story had as much truth as Josh Hawley's proclamations of manhood. This did happen to the woman in question. It happened 20 years ago. It happened in Mexico. And, not that it matters, but George Dubya Bush was president. But hey, why let the facts get in the way of a good all foreigners are evil story?
The passion and intensity that Miss Homemaker Britt delivered her entire address was what Americans will remember forever. Think of a complete emotional breakdown by Nikki Newman on an episode of "The Young and the Restless" for a comparison. The choking voice, the verge of tears eye fluttering, her calling Motorhead Joe a "dithering and diminished leader!" Without a doubt, I have seen the future of female Republican senators, and it's Katie "The Whispering Panic Attack " Britt.
In fashion news the most stunning ensemble of the evening goes to, as always, the Mouth of Today's South Marjorie Traitor Greene. She was smartly dressed head to toe in made in China MAGA gear from the spring collection. Complete with MAGA ball cap, campaign buttons, and a "Say Her Name" tee shirt in deference to Laken Riley.This combination is suitable for Congressional functions, browsing at swap meets, or going in style to the singles mixer at the Elks Lodge.
If that wasn't enough, we also had our weekly hour of pulse pounding excitement of "Meet The Press" today. The show began with Georgia Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock. Here comes Kristen Welker. Can Motorhead Joe withstand the attacks of Trump and his zombie army? Warnock said it's the same old bag of tricks Felix the Cat had last time so not to worry. But what about the No Labels party possibly nominating former Georgia Lieutenant Governor Jeff Duncan as their presidential nominee? Both liberals and conservatives are asking who the fuck is Jeff Duncan? Do we deserve a debate between Dementia Donnie and Motorhead Joe? Sure. Another excuse to drink on a Thursday night. At what point should Joe abandon Israel? When they invade Gaza and displace/kill 85,000 people. Okey dokey!
Then entering the stage to his theme music of "Pop Goes the Weasel" was the Wizard of Whoopee, Republican Senator from South Carolina Lindsey Graham. In a sad confession on my part, in my 40 plus years of watching "Meet The Press," I have seen Lindsey Graham more times than I have seen members of my own family. As usual, Lindsey was full of MAGA sperm as he attacked Motorhead Joe and agrees with everything Diaper Donnie says, thinks, and does. If we re-elect Joe we are signing our own death warrants. We should give Bennie Netanyahu a license to kill. Destroy Iran, destroy Hamas, and destroy all monsters (in particular Mothra and those annoying singing twins). It's perfectly okay for Trump to host fascist dictator Viktor Orban at Mar-A-Lago because Trump wants to be a dictator when he grows up. And then, Graham and Welker yelled back and forth and it was another waste of time.
Batting third today was Donnie Trump's former punching bag Adam "Shifty" Schiff, the Democratic Congressman from California who is now running for the Senate. In yet another disgusting tale of money and politics, Shifty gave his Republican opponent Steve Garvey 5 million dollars in campaign ads. Why? Because Shifty thought he would be easier to beat than his Democratic opponent Katie Porter. Being cynical is an acquired habit. You remember Steve Garvey, don't you? He played baseball and cheated on his wife. Of course he's qualified to be a senator. When asked if Biden's backing of Israel would hurt his own chances of winning his senate bid he answered with so many convoluted words I thought I was listening to a Pere Ubu song. When asked now that the incontinent presumptive nominee of the GOP will be receiving daily intelligence updates from the government Schiff said "they should be dumbed down and put on note cards" because we can't trust him. Secrets for sale! I can't pay my legal judgments! Can you help a brother?
Every guest was asked about the potential banning of Tic Toc, owned by China and frowned upon by "America's Mom." All of the guests said they would need more information. On the NBC Nightly News this week they showed a woman in her twenties who said her life would be shattered. She said she makes her living as a social influencer on Tic Toc.
As you watch the Oscars tonight bear in mind that last year's highest paid talent was Adam Sandler. If you're gambling bet the over on 3 and a half hours on the total length of the ceremony. Bet the under on the actually funny jokes.
What do you think you are doing here?
How did you arrive?
Did you come up through the ocean floor
Or fall from the sky?
Did you come via the orient
On a steam boat built for you?
Did you think of all your friends behind
While you dance in Honalu?
~Holly and The Italians~
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