Last week began with an Iranian financed drone killing 3 American service people in Jordan. Immediately the stalwart members of the Chickenhawk Caucus of the United States Senate declared war. Against Uncle Joe Biden. The pride of the Natural State Republican Senator Tom Cotton said that if Uncle Joe did not strike with deadly force in vengeance against Iran he would be exposed as the coward he truly is. The pencil necked Cotton said his plans for war were a simple two step program. Step one is to bomb the living shit out of Iran. Step two is to send in ground troops and give all the survivors Bibles and lottery tickets.
After the Kansas City Chiefs victory Sunday over the Nevermore Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship game right wing "personality" Scott Greer (IQ 187) posted on social media that the Republicans' answer to Taylor Swift was Lauren "You're in Good Hands" Boebert.
Democratic Senator Bob "Goldfinger" Menendez revealed Wednesday that after being indicted on bribery charges his reelection campaign fundraising efforts have all but died on the vine. But in honest and straightforward measures he has promised not to use his supply of gold bars he received from Middle Eastern governments in exchange for favorable governmental votes to bankroll his candidacy nor his lawyers.
Also on Wednesday the Senate held a made for television event where a bipartisan hearing was held for the aforementioned Tom Cotton and Lindsey "Hollow Man" Graham and others to give stern finger wags to the heads of Facebook, Tic Tok, and other social media outlets. Their rampant crimes against the youth of America are beyond disgusting. Lindsey and his Lucky Tiger Hair Wax told them they had "blood on their hands." America's favorite pipsqueak Missouri Republican Josh Hawley demanded an apology from Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg. After the hearing Minnesota Democratic Senator Amy "All Foam and No Beer" Klobuchar told the press that it was a good hearing and positive things will now happen. She also said the St. Louis Cardinals signing of washed up pitcher Lance Lynn to a one year 10 million dollar contract was a stroke of genius as they look to cement their hold on last place in the National League Eastern Division.
In other Taylor Swift news right wing influencer and gasbag Jack Posobiec said that the Democrats can have Taylor. He boasted that the Republicans have Kid Rock and Cat Scratch Fever Ted Nugent. Okay. They have Rodney Dangerfield but the mighty GOP can counter with Jim Breuer and Andrew "Dice" Clay.
"Meet The Press" began this week with the new king of the telestrator Steve Kornacki showing that Donnie Trump has a 47 percent over 42 percent lead over Uncle Joe Biden. In the greatest democracy in the history of the world more voters hitch their pony to a convicted rapist over a balding man who needs to ditch the mullet.
As L7's immortal "Wargasm" played in the background National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan sat in the less than hot seat provided by Kristen Welker. Jake said the retaliatory airstrikes in Iraq, Syria, and Yemen were hunky dory. When asked why Republicans complained the response militarily was not quick enough Sullivan answered any slapdick can whine when their finger is not on the trigger. When asked that Iran has announced that the USA has just stepped into a big bowl of Malt O Meal Sullivan answered "who else wants some?" When told by Kristen that no one likes Uncle Joe's handling of foreign affairs Sullivan responded with no one likes her choice of a garish muted purple and black pant suit for clothing today.
Then it was time to beg for forgiveness as the anointed one Moses Mike Johnson blessed us with his appearance. The more times you see him you realize that he is truly the boxer who is trying to punch above his weight class. For a man who says the Bible is his book of all political judgments and laws it's very strange to see him worship at the alter of Orange Jesus. First he compared Trump's holiness with that of the patron saint Ronald " Death Valley Days" Reagan. He said that Uncle Joe was a pussy. He said that Diaper Donnie was as tough as a one dollar steak. He said we cannot ignore the southern border but we will because we can't let Uncle Joe declare a bipartisan victory. He said the Director of Homeland Security Alexajandro Mayorkas was a liar. Moses said he had 64 examples of how Mayorkas had broken the law but he left them in his other suit. He continually smirked and shook his head while Kristen was talking like you would if you were in a room having to put up with Greg Gutfeld. He declared that the impeachment of Mayorkas was totally justified and let's hang Uncle Joe while we're at it. It's a two for Tuesday!
The Lieutenant Governor of Texas Dan Patrick stated this week he had been brushing up on the Book of Revalations. He said he now knows that Biden, Mayorkas, Kamala Harris, and press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre are the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. "They ride with death." Your favorite president Donnie "Depends " Trump posted on his soon to be insolvent website Truth Social yesterday that many people tell him he's a dead ringer for Elvis Presley. He even showed a split screen facial photo. Okay.
For the 46 citizens of America who still clutch their copy of the Farmer's Almanac like it was the remote to the television on Friday the yearly appearance of Punxsutawney Phil occurred. This gives the chance for overweight white men to dress up like the millionaire on Monopoly game cards and hold a terrified animal up in the air and read a proclamation. The tortured animal did not see his shadow, but neither did the expansive stomachs on the stage see their own shoes. For some reason the early spring is determined at a town named Gobbler's Knob. You can make up your own immature joke with the name Gobbler's Knob.
In a life and faith affirming post last week the beloved Sesame Street actor Elmo posted on social media this week a simple question "How's everybody doing?" It was the rage of all network television morning shows as over 50 thousand people responded. What a foundation to build your life on. No matter what personal crises, health or financial problems, employment issues, or heartbreak occurs rest easy. Know to your dying breath a sock puppet loves you. He might have been the laughing calvaliero. The wise old commanchero. The desperate desperado. The good looking Rudolph Valentino. The gigolo from Glasgow. But like an old hunter of the female buffalo he's headed for the number one hit country again. But it's true. True blue. And sometimes it reminds me of you.
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