A week ago America's prayers were answered as Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis bailed out of the presidential primary race like Roberto "Hands of Stone" Duran against Oscar "Super Freak" De La Hoya. What adds to the delicious irony is that his political action committee was named Never Back Down. DeSantis, he of the punchable face, declared over and over that his home state of Florida was were woke went to die. We now know that running for president is where high heeled Ron went to die.
On Tuesday 54 percent of the Republican primary voters in New Hampshire voted for the convicted rapist Donnie "Depends" Trump. 43 percent voted for Nikki Haley. But this did not stop the 77 year old diaper wearing maniac from threatening her and her campaign supporters. He said that in his back pocket he had 5 scandals he could unleash on her. He then added that anyone who contributed to her campaign would be blacklisted from MAGA. You can't watch TV and go to your bedroom!
Another highlight from Tuesday night was seeing the visibly drunken Marjorie Traitor Greene screaming into the microphone of her newest boy toy Brian Glenn on the Right Side Broadcasting Network. The official queen of tantric sex said that Nikki Haley was a loser, that her financial backers should be put in prison, and that Uncle Joe Biden was losing the Democratic primary (he won with 71 percent of the vote). She then chugged a pint of Evan Williams and invited everyone to her room at the Motel Six for an all night game of naked Twister.
On Thursday the dizzy spin continued with the civil case of financial damages to be awarded to writer E. Jean Carroll to be paid by "Your Favorite President" Donnie Trump. Alina "I'd rather be pretty than smart" Habba once again proved that she is neither with her thin as shredded mozzarella cheese defense. First she stated that Carroll became famous because she was raped, and then told the jury that Carroll was like the Loverboy song " Loving Every Minute Of It." We need a word stronger than disgusting.
It only took the jury 3 and a half hours Friday to award Carroll 83.3 million dollars in damages. Donnie's badly worn collection of Hustler magazines are now up for bid on Ebay because every dollar counts.
Besides the city of Austin and ZZ Top there is no reason to like Texas. On Wednesday the Billy Bad Ass in a wheelchair Governor Greg Abbott told the Supreme Court of the United States to bite his crank. The Republican hate mongerer said he would not remove the barbed wire barrels from the Rio Grande and continue the state's policy to let the immigrants bleed and drown. He was immediately supported by the despicable Texas Congressman Chip Roy and the equally turgid Senator Ted "I have a podcast" Cruz. Remember the words of Lew Harper. Only cream and bastards rise.
This week's "Meet the Press" was yet another reason to quit smoking Tareytons because you might fall asleep and catch the sofa on fire. Our first guest was the aforementioned Velvet Hammer Nikki Haley. Orange Jesus calls her Birdbrain. Stormy Daniels called him tiny and quick. Nikki now paints herself as the target of the political elite. She says the incontinent one wants the GOP to pay his legal fees and judgments. Nikki says the endorsements Donnie has received in South Carolina are all from lowlifes and jack offs. She says she pays no attention to Donnie's legal problems. She walks around all day with Joy Division and Usher on in her ear buds. She falls back on the tired refrain that the voters, and not the courts, should determine the election and who's eligible. She does back Greg Abbott's decision to tell the Supreme Court to suck a Bomb Pop, and she's 100 percent behind Israel's strategy to kill, kill, kill.
Next up in the batter's box was the Moving Target Democratic Congresswoman from New York Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She has 3 names like Olivia Newton John. She is what the wine loving Jeanine Pirro on Fox "News" calls the radical far left. If she ran for office in my home state of Missouri she would end up with minus 943 votes. When asked by the host Kristen Welker why Uncle Joe sucks she answered "get over it."
Alexandria is in favor of Medicare for all, strict environmental protection laws, a cease fire in the Middle East in exchange for hostages, and a permanent banning of all future episodes of "Farmer Needs a Wife." She danced around the questions with the speed and dexterity of the late James Brown during an eight minute version of "Night Train." It was announced that there was going to be a super fund raising event for the Democratic Party featuring Bill "I did not have sex with that woman" Clinton, Barack Hussain Obama, and Uncle Joe Biden. The opening act will be the Bay City Rollers.
The Oscar nominations were announced this week with nary a mention of "Godzilla Minus One." Well in these bad boring days we need a bolt of light. As if the world is in a dream about to wake in a fright.
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