Tidings of joy were issued by the incontinent former President Donnie "Depends" Trump at 2:28 pm Mar-A-Lago time Christmas Day. "The THUGS we have inside our Country who, with their Open Borders, INFLATION, Afghanistan Surrender, Green New Scam, High Taxes, No Energy Independence, Woke Military, Russia/Ukraine, Israel/Iran, All Electric Car Lunacy, and so much more, are looking to destroy our once great USA. MAY THEY ROT IN HELL. AGAIN, MERRY CHRISTMAS! " Nobody spreads Christian hope and cheer like the convicted rapist!
On Wednesday the Michigan Supreme Court ruled that the Orange Jesus could not be removed from that state's primary ballot. This prevented the justices from being murdered over the holiday weekend by patriotic Trump supporters. Then on Thursday the Maine Attorney General ruled that the Mango Mussolini was disqualified from that state's ballot for his insurrection efforts. To say that Trump shit his pants upon hearing this news would cross the line into the immature humor that we avoid at all costs. Sources say his 40 year addiction to Adderall has led to his leaky backdoor.
Nikki "The Velvet Hammer" Haley answered a question about the reason for the Civil War at a New Hampshire town hall meeting with a meandering word salad about state's rights. When the follow up question was why she didn't mention slavery she answered with "What do you want me to say about slavery? Next question." She choked on that like the Los Angeles Dodgers in a playoff series.
James Comer Pyle unveiled plan 9 in his impeachment inquiry against Uncle Joe Biden last week by saying Joe told Hunter not to testify behind closed doors to Foghorn Leghorn's committee. I say that's obstruction of justice, boy! Obstruction of justice!
It was revealed this week that Alabama pockets 450 million dollars a year by leasing out its state prisoners to work at fast food restaurants like McDonald's. Now we know why the ice cream machine is always out of order.
It was another fabulous special episode of "Meet The Press" this week with the subject being America's mental health crisis. 30 percent of Americans are depressed. And 47 percent of Americans want Diaper Donnie back in the White House. In homage to Richard Boone's great fashion style on "Have Gun Will Travel" both Kristen Welker and Senator John Fetterman were dressed in all black for the show's first segment. Fetterman discussed his own bouts with depression and that it should be treated like any other illness. He thought that his career would be over, but then he turned the corner through treatment. Life may not be all that great but it's the only thing on the menu. Plan B would be suicide so there is no plan B.
Next up were two Governors, Republican Spencer "Hardin" Cox of Utah and Democrat Jared Polis of Colorado. Cox bears an uncanny resemblance to Superman's arch nemesis Lex Luthor. But, sad to say, he's not as interesting. Both agreed that the main cause of depression and lack of happiness is social media. Both said it's not the government's job to monitor people's use of their computers and phones. It's up to parents and friends to control others interaction with social media. There must be strict limits, just like there should be on Colt 45 malt liquor and pornography. If you break it down by the numbers 80 percent of the depressed in this nation are men and only 20 percent are women. The experts attribute this disparity to the fact that more men think their favorite sports team blows and more women watch the Kelly Clarkson Show and are naturally more peppy and happy. Both governors are members of the National Governors Association. You know their yearly convention is a bash with the likes of Gavin Newsome, Mike Parsons, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and, Mister Party himself, Ron DeSantis drinking the bar dry. Why just last year Parsons got so loaded he went to his hotel room and had sex with his wife!
The 2023 Kennedy Honors Banquet was telecast last week. Among those honored were such trailblazers as Queen Latifah, Barry Gibb, and Dionne " Psychic Hotline" Warwick. Once again cruelly ignored, was athlete, actor, and humanitarian Nature Boy Ric Flair. How long will this injustice be tolerated?
Taste the salt of my tears. Take the wealth of my years. Resolutions for show, old ways don't seem to know. Singing in the millennium with you.
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