The civil fraud trial of Donnie "Your Favorite President" Trump continued this week in New York city. On Monday the Mango Mussolini lived up to expectations and performed a full 5 hour pissy pants tantrum on the witness stand. He insulted the judge, the state attorney general, and rambled ad nauseum about his great personal wealth. He stated that no one but him knew how the world of high finance really worked. Belittling others is the key to winning friends and influencing people.
On Wednesday Ivanka "Don't touch me there, Daddy" Trump took the witness stand and shared the now familiar family trait of convenient amnesia. Amazingly her memory improved when she was shown her personal emails expressing concern about Daddy's house of cards empire. There is no truth to the rumor that the entire family will soon be endorsing Prevagen for their deteriorating mental skills.
After taking it in the kisser Tuesday in nationwide elections the Republican party circled the wagons in total shame and denial. On the right wing cable channel Newsmax former Republican Senator Rick Santorum said "pure democracies are not the way to run a country." I didn't know that.
Wednesday the Three Stooges pie fight continued with yet another worthless Republican Presidential debate. These are merely held to pre-determine who will come in second place to Dandy Don. No one remembers who lost the Super Bowl. The bench is getting shorter as only five candidates made the cut to participate. Asa Hutchinson was sorely missed. Vivek Ramaswamy continued his march on becoming the most contemptible person in America. He attacked moderator Kirsten Welker and wanted to know why they didn't have real strapping man jacks like Tucker Carlson and Elon Musk asking the questions. His advice to Israel was to kill, kill, kill. He said Ukraine was banning Christianity and that the Jew Volodymry Zelenskyy was a Nazi in cargo pants. He would ban Tik Tok and Airbnb because they are both owned by Red China.
Rick "Little Hitler" DeSantis was in his usual sour cough syrup mode. His advice to Israel was to kill, kill, kill. If Islamic civilians are killed don't blame him. We need to bolster our Navy. China can go have intercourse with itself. He'd ban Tik Tok also. Screw Venezuela and drill for oil on every acre in America. He smiled once and it hurt.
Chris "Family Size" Christie said the nation cannot nominate a candidate who will be spending the next year and a half in court. He wants more nuclear submarines. He'd also ban Tik Tok. His advice to Israel was to kill, kill, kill.
Nikki "The Velvet Hammer" Haley said that Dandy Donnie had gone soft on foreign dictators. Hamas and Islamic people are bad. We need to modernize the military. I guess they need weapons as good as the perpetrators of mass shootings in America. We need to put sanctions on Venezuela. Her advice to Israel was to kill, kill, kill.
Tim Scott showed up with his tall blonde haired, blue eyed girlfriend. That will score points with the always tolerant and accepting GOP base. He went the route of the soon to be obscure Mike Pence and declared his total devotion to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He warned of terrorist sleeper cells in our nation. He hates Tik Tok, too. He would create 10 million new jobs. He went with the pie in the sky theory that he'd pay off the deficit by cutting taxes. Not only does he want Israel to kill, kill, kill but he also would declare war on Iran.
On the issue of aide to Ukraine only Christie voiced support. The other four candidates said goodbye Johnny B. Goode. The highlight of the evening was during the free for all at the end our man Vivek attacked Nikki for letting her daughter have a Tik Tok account. The Velvet Hammer struck like Thor and she said straight into the microphone "You're just scum!" Cook it out, baby daddy!
This week's "Meet The Press" was a three headed monster less likeable than Ghidrah. First was the prickly Prime Minister of Israel Bennie "Are you talking to me?" Netanyahu. The war against Hamas has no timeline. Hamas uses hospitals to hide their troops so if you are unlucky enough to be in one have a will ready. The United Nations claim that both sides are guilty of war crimes is "hogwash." Would he consider a cease fire? No way daddy-o. Any babies that die are strictly Hamas' fault. After they have crushed the opposition the Israeli armed forces will run the Gaza Strip. He will make no deals for hostages. He's the sheriff and you'd better have your ass out of town by sundown.
Next man up was Connecticut Democratic Senator Chris Murphy who has all of the charisma of fried Spam. When asked about the federal government shutdown looming in 5 days he said the Senate was kosher. It's those Republican ninnies in the House that muck up the works. He said that political opinion polls are useless and that only voting tells the real story. He stated that Democrats deal with issues like inflation and the social safety net while Republicans contort themselves over banning drag queens and making sure every maniac has access to AR-15s. When asked about West Virginia Senator Joe "Am I on tv?" Manchin's announcement this week that he would not run for reelection Murphy said "Who?"
Rounding out this hour of unbridled excitement was Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel, fresh from a much needed stop at the Waffle House. Election results be damned, she boasted of her ongoing work in 70 lawsuits concerning election fraud and integrity. According to her, voting results proving otherwise, everyone is in favor of a 15 week abortion ban. The Democratic party has totally failed on crime, the border, and fentanyl. She was ecstatic about the victory in Kentucky of Republican Danny Dick. I did not make that name up. When asked what she thought of Trump's vow to have revenge on all politicians and members of the press corps who have opposed him she had the classic "no comment." And in lockstep with those that pay her salary she said the lid would soon be blown on the infamous Biden Crime Family.
The number one selling book of poetry on Amazon is "Pretty Boys Are Poisonous" by renowned wordsmith Megan Fox. More than 70 poems are in this instant classic and she says "all of it is something women can relate to." Especially if they had a torrid affair with superstar Machine Gun Kelly.
People magazine crowned 57 year old tv actor Patrick Dempsey as this year's sexiest man alive. He joins previous winners Johnny "Amber Heard talked to me by hand" Heard and Dwayne "The Rock?" Johnson. Already there is talk of election fraud by a contingent of vocal William Shatner fans.
A recent NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll shows that 96 percent of Americans have never seen the 1990 cinematic masterpiece "I Come in Peace." You'll be the hero of the neighborhood. But nobody knows that you've left for good. You're in the army now.
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