In the aftermath of the tragic shooting leaving 18 dead by the hands of a mentally ill army reservist with an AR - 15 in Lewiston, Maine America's sage Sean Hannity told viewers on Fox "News" his personal plan for dealing with deadly force. He says he has several years of training in mixed martial arts. So if you are confronted in a bowling alley by a maniac with a military assault rifle simply tap your inner kung fu panda.
In another promise made to be broken Donnie "your favorite
president" Trump announced that this week he will present astonishing
new evidence that proves he really did win the 2020 election in a
landslide.
Louisiana Congressman Mike Johnson was elected Speaker of the
House by his Republican peers. In practical terms he's a real box of
candy. He is anti-abortion and believes doctors that perform them should
be sentenced to 10 years of hard labor in prison. We would not have a
problem funding social security and Medicare if all the aborted babies
were alive, working, and contributing to the funds. Homosexuality is an
abomination and should be outlawed. Divorce should be illegal. God has
put him in this position of power and he will not waste this
opportunity. Alfred says Jesus is on the Batphone. At his first press
conference he started a new tradition of not answering questions.
Surrounded by his fellow patriots he was asked about his contributions
to overturning the last presidential election. The assembled politicians
shouted the reporter down, and Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (not a porn
name) did her spot on imitation of tv's "Medicare Martha" and screamed
"Shut up! Shut up!" Sinclair Lewis once said that fascism will come to
your house draped in a flag and carrying a bible.
Minnesota Democratic
Congressman Dean Phillips announced he was running for president.
Choirboy Mike Pence said he prayed and decided to drop out of the race.
Proof again that prayers are answered.
Today's first guest on "Meet The
Press" was Ron "Little Hitler " DeSantis. He smiled and his face
virtually broke. He makes Richard Nixon look like a people person
(stolen joke). He stated that Israel must destroy Hamas, civilian lives
be damned. You have to break some eggs to make an omelet. We should not
give humanitarian aid to the Palestinians because Hamas will just use it
for themselves. He proclaimed that Jews loved living in his state of
Florida, but avoided the question of why it's a haven for neo-Nazi
groups. To respond to mass shootings we don't need tougher gun laws, we
need more insane people locked up. He's a rough and tough badass and
don't forget it, pal.
Next was Democratic Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal,
chair of the Progressive Caucus. The hospitals in the Gaza Strip are in
ruins because Israel is not following the rules of war. You can call me
a dumbass but when do wars have rules? She called on both Israel and
Hamas to call a humanitarian truce. All hostages should be released. And
I want ice cream with my cake. To criticize the Israeli government is
not being antisemitic. And host Kristen Welker showed poll numbers that
Uncle Joe Biden is losing the key Palestinian vote. There goes Quincy,
Illinois.
Finally we had the former Governor of California Arnold
Schwarzenegger. He's written a, guess what, self help book. He's grown a
beard so he now resembles a Chia Pet on steroids. He has discovered
that we only have one life. That in the world of politics no one is a
bystander. He stated his admiration for West Virginia Senator Joe
"where's the camera?" Manchin. That proves that steroid use doesn't just
shrink your testicles.
Last week's People magazine cover story was
"Cher Tells All." In it she describes what it was like to wash your
clothes with rocks and how she lost her virginity to Barney Rubble.
Lives of great men all remind us we may make our lives sublime. And
departing, leave behind us footprints in the sands of time.
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