It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 March 22

 

 "We want to be sure and it's a small price to pay to make sure that we stay tippy top." 

Donald F Trump on his demanding another 220 billion dollars for his Iranian War 3-19-26

 

 "Better watch out for the skin deep" - The Stranglers 

Last Monday Alina "Doesn't " Habba "Clue" got divorced and is joining Erica Kirk's swingers club. She'll soon be joined by Kristi "Drive through" Noem. The CIA recommended to the Department of Revenge to investigate Tucker Carlson. They say he's a foreign agent for Big Daddy Vladdy Putin. Rib eye steaks cost real money. Orange Jesus threatens NATO to provide boats to patrol the Strait of Hormuz. Newt "the gasbag " Gingrich wants to use thermal nuclear weapons to widen the Strait and make it deeper. That's some strong garfong Newt's got in his bong. Jared "Sonny Drysdale" Kushner is raising 5 billion dollars from Middle Eastern nations while he's negotiating with them. Ivanka needs another facial surgery. It's like changing the oil in the Lamborghini. Trump's chief of staff Susan Willes has breast cancer and Kristi Noem is being investigated for lying to Congress and the Senate. Don't tell her husband. 

On Tuesday Dementia Duck met with the Irish Prime Minister and said Barack Hussein Obama sent two Boeing 757 jets to Iran filled with cash. He emptied two banks and had to rip the seats out of the planes. Yeah, and I have testicles the size of watermelons. Joe Kent quit as the head of counter terrorism and Trump said that's great. "He's stupid" but Trump appointed him. Economic advisor Kevin Hassett says consumer costs are the least of Trump's concerns and he always looks like he's just smoked a joint of Sao Paulo trip weed the size of a carrot. All of the progressive candidates lost in the Illinois primaries and you can thank AIPAC. Mango Mussolini said of Cuba "I can do whatever I want." 

On Wednesday Rambo Jesus Markwayne Mullin was grilled like a Johnsonville bratwurst by the Senate for his nomination to be the new head of DHS. Republican Senator Ashley Moody from Florida said Minnesota Democrats want illegal immigrants to roam and rape freely, and that Uncle Joe Biden trafficked children.

 "Life stinks. I can't think. I need a drink." Pere Ubu. 

A federal judge ruled the Voice of America had to rehire one thousand workers and resume broadcasting. Director Kari Lake had to cancel her photo shoot. Loveless Pammy Jo Bondi met with Congressional Democrats and told them to kiss off. Woman beater James Comer told Democratic Congresswoman Summer Lee she was a bitch and she told him he had all the intelligence of a can of Showboat pork and beans. It was revealed that Mushroom Winkie never kicked Jeffrey Epstein out of Mar-A-Lago because he was never a member. Trump sent the teenagers to Epstein's house. That's not a banana. 

On Thursday Russia sent a pair of tankers filled with oil and gas to Cuba and the adjudicated rapist didn't lift a finger. He did shit his pants, though. China's premier Ping said Taiwan is now their's for the taking because Trump has shot his wad in the Middle East. Trump then asked the Japanese Prime Minister why didn't they warn us about Pearl Harbor and laughed and looked around to a silent room. On social media in my town people thought it was hilarious and Trump was sent by God. My peers. 

Secretary of Scotch Petey Kegsbreath told American children to go to school and pray to Jesus for the war and our troops. When an alcoholic rapist tells me to pray for violence I pay attention. It turns out Corey "The cock" Lewandowski was getting kickbacks for awarding contracts for DHS. All that and porking Kristi Noem! 

Friday was the first day of spring and on television Kelly Ripa did her stripper dance to celebrate. What's worse than an aging beauty queen? The aroma of saurerkraut, that's what. I'd rather smell your socks. Bennie "Fuck You " Netanyahu said Jesus would lose to the Antichrist if he didn't have enough missiles and bombs. Nosferatu Stephen Miller said the national debt was the fault of brown skinned immigrants, and his wife has to lace her drinks with Bailey's just to live in the same house with him. Remember she called Stephen a "sexual matador." I refer to myself as retired. 

We have sent another 5 thousand troops to Iran and Senator Joni Ernst thinks it's brilliant. Don't forget Joni has had sex with two Air Force generals. She's smoking like a Tareyton, buddy! The deficit hit 39 trillion dollars and Sausage Fingers is responsible for 27 percent of it. "The Art Of The Steal." Putin told Jared Kushner if we stopped giving arms to Ukraine he would stop telling Iran where Americans have troops in the Middle East. I see your obvious bluff and I raise you 100 drones. 

Trump wants ICE agents to take the place of the TSA at airports. You'll recognize them by their masks and beer guts. 

Today it was time for "Meet the Press." Pass the dutchie on the left hand side. What about Trump's new threat to blow up power plants in Iran unless they open up the Strait? You gotta talk tough and he's been very clear about being ambiguous. The media are liars! Dan "Raisin bran" Caine and Boner Petey Kegsbreath are geniuses and Iran sending ICBM missiles to strike targets in Europe is an act of desperation. He then smirked and said Iran must sell oil to China to keep prices down. Well, color me stupid! "Please listen to me!" " Let me talk!" Knock yourself out, Snoopy. "Open Casket " Bessent then told Kristen "Worthless " Welker to fire her staff. That raising taxes to pay for Micro Penis's war was a "ridiculous " question. Place your bets now on the return of the military draft! Americans should pay higher prices for nuclear safety and take it on the chin. Scott Bessent takes it on the chin every night. Tastes like chicken. 

Bessent then told us we should feel sorry for Donnie Two Scoops and all of the harassment he has received from the Dark State. They went through Melania's underwear at Mar-A-Lago for God's sake! Question: Is Melania the most successful prostitute in American history? Does she beat Peggy Lipton? 

Next was Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy. Is he growing a beard or is he just going for that cat on "Tracker" 3 day stubble? Murphy said "Open Casket " Bessent lives on Neptune, although some would say Uranus. Kill the military funding and kill the war. We now have a worse regime in Iran and the USA got nothing for this shit. Murphy said Cankles Caligula didn't care about America. Duh. Did Rip Van Winkle just wake up? He said we should intercourse ICE with Melania's 12 inch 4 speed dildo. The Wall Street Journal said Democrats should shitcan Chuckles Schumer as Minority Leader and the decomposing zombie Trump calling Robert Mueller's death "good" prompted a congratulatory phone call from Satan. They then showed an advertisement for Repatha that had a cartoon heart wearing a Band Aid. Do I have any hash? 

Then it was Cuban Deputy Foreign Minister Carlos Fernandez De Cossio. He leads a experimental jazz band on the weekends. Think of Desi Arnaz with the Mahavishnu Orchestra. Trump said it would be his honor to take Cuba. De Cossio said the Man of Bronzer could go pound sand. Marco Rubio said it's time for a change in Cuba. What rhymes with rock stupid? Kristen asked if this was the collapse of the Communist regime? Is it tomorrow or just the end of time? He then said Kristen's news sources were as reliable as the Weekly World News. His message for the Pedophile in Charge was don't mess with the messer. On the panel was Ashley Etienne and she was dressed in a jacket that would make Elton John blush. All 64 colors of the crayon box were represented. Best Elton John song? "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me." 

 It was Star Trek week on "The Masked Singer" and remind me what Jenny McCarthy's talent is. It's Women's History Month along with Ford Truck Month and Lainey Wilson represents both. 

Major League Baseball season starts this week and as a lifelong St Louis Cardinals fan I'm ready to watch every game and let the tears fall like rain. 

The new Spider-Man movie preview is out and it will be shoved down our pie holes for the next 4 months. Whatever happened to Tobey Maguire? 

RIP Chuck Norris. 

 

I never been much good at keepin' a secret
Now it's easy for me to say
That I'm head over heels shook up
About the way that you fool with me
And if it please Your Highness on a sunny day sometime
Can you take me drivin' 

~ The Guess Who ~