"We negotiate with bombs!" Secretary of Scotch and Rape Pete Hegseth 3-27-26
"They say that the night life ain't no good life, but it's my life."
Thin Lizzy (Willie Nelson)
Last Monday fat white ICE agents were sent to airports to assist the nonexistent TSA. They drank Mountain Dew and beat up Hispanic women. Airplanes were still colliding, and 5-foot-tall Markwayne Mullin was elected DHS Secretary. If you see Senator John Fetterman tell him to eat a can of Starkist tuna with chopsticks. We need more Democrats who gargle MAGA love butter.
On Tuesday Orange Jesus went to Graceland and asked the curator if he could kick Elvis's ass in kung fu. Mushroom Winkie thinks the King is still alive. And Dan Quayle now acts in porn videos with Sally D'Angelo. Trump told the senators to pass his discriminatory SAVE bill "for Jesus." According to pundit Kurt Anderson "Mormons are the least dangerous Republicans." And Episcopalians require a covered dish to pass St. Peter at the pearly gates. Women beater and Republican Congressman James "Foghorn Leghorn " Comer told Fox he loves ICE at airports because " it drives Democrats crazy!" The Human Liver Spot Steve Bannon said ICE will be at every polling place for the midterm elections in November. It's time to renew your concealed carry permit!
On Wednesday Third Wife and Lesbian Porn Model Melania "Visionary" Trump appeared at the White House with a robot. She said robots will replace human school teachers in 5 years. It was a cold, stiff, and aloof performance. So was the robot's.
On Thursday Micropenis Markwayne Mullin said ICE wasn't being funded because of "political politics." Bees make honey. The Nielsen television ratings were released and the CBS Evening News has now lost 40 percent of its audience. Shit, I could do that and I'm not on tv.
Also on Thursday reporter Ken Klippensteen revealed an ICE memo that offers bounty money of 50K to any local cop that arrests a brown-skinned person. And more for children. God bless America, fuckers. "Wanted Dead or Alive." Steve McQueen as Josh Randall.
Friday it was declared it was National Reading Month so I renewed my subscription to the National Tattler. Scarlett Johansson just got divorced from that cat on Saturday Night Live. Petey Kegsbreath took time out from raping your neighbor to fire 2 women and 2 black men who were set to become generals because Depends Running Over Donnie told him to.
On Saturday the United States now has 50 thousand soldiers in the Middle East. Screw that Nobel Peace Prize! By the way, more than 30 Americans are dead in this "military operation." 10 million participated in No Kings Day and after 4 weeks the stock market has gone as limp as Mitch McConnell's pocket rocket.
Today's Palm Sunday edition of "Meet The Press" was another reason to make coffee with Bailey's. In the leadoff position was white Baptist minister Republican Senator from Oklahoma James Lankford. James tells us that Trump has totally wiped out Iran and it was easy peasy! We have the greatest military in the world! He said the Iranian leaders hang teenagers on tv. Bad joke number one: I've never been accused of being hung. Lankford then praised the corpse that is Bite My Knob Trump and said it was safe to fly. If you work for free you are a "patriot." That's not what my Dad taught me. Then it was the AIPAC bought and paid for Cory Booker. He's from New Jersey. 9 people must have voted and he got 5. He's a gasbag who just got married, has a new book to sell, and a new disco remix of his hit "Same Old Shit." He was as disingenuous as ever and another reason that Democrats are so fucking tired.Your eyes don't lie.
Punch the monkey at the zoo has abandoned his plush toy and is now
doing the hokey pokey with a female simian. Don't watch.
This week I saw a television advertisement for the Rice Robot and it terrified me.
Ladies, I'm the biggest weenie you know. Julius Harris on "Harry O": "I was a skid row bum with 9 toes in the hole."
That dirty little coward,
That shot Mr. Howard
Has Laid poor Jesse
In his grave
"The Ballad of Jesse James"
American Folk Song
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