"When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy. They had some great arms but they ran out. It's called sports. It's called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." Donald "Mushroom" Trump 4-7-25
Happy Passover. Last Monday began with Trumpty Dumpty hosting Israeli Prime Minister Bibi "No Jokes" Netanyahu at the trailer trashed out White House. The two war criminals did the secret handshake and posed for a photo opportunity. The scheduled press conference was canceled so Diaper Donnie wouldn't have to answer questions. But Mr Hairspray did blather about how Gaza was a great real estate opportunity for himself, that the European Union was formed solely to screw America over, and that NATO could bite his crank. He also informed the nation that on his birthday June 14th there would be a 4 mile military parade from the Pentagon to the White House in his honor. This will cost us 93 million dollars and Washington DC another 22 million in security.
HHS Secretary RFK Jr announced he was launching a ban on fluoride in drinking water because it induces mental retardation. So that's what happened to me. I thought it was the LSD. CBS News found that of the 179 Valenzuelans sent to Kristi Noem's death camp in El Salvador 75 percent had no criminal record. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick said on Fox that "Robotics are going to replace cheap labor." Sorry Eb but you're no longer needed.
Tuesday the Man of Bronzer signed an Executive Order punting wind and
solar energy in favor of "beautiful clean coal." Surrounded by actors in
vests and hard hats he said "coal miners only want to mine coal." Bring
back black lung disease!
On Wednesday the fabulous Trump Tariffs were in effect for 13 hours. Trump then told people to buy stocks then four hours later canceled them. Tantric Sex Bomb Marjorie Traitor Greene made a killing in deals while regular Americans saw their 401 K plans go to Maria Bartiromo hell. But the very stable genius did raise the tariffs on China to 145 percent. Over the next two days the stock market lost over 12 billion dollars, even while Tuesday night Trump bragged at a Republican fundraising dinner "the world is kissing my ass!" Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who's physical appearance can best be described as open-casket, told reporters that this entire rug pull was part of Trump's master plan. Goldigger and congenital liar Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told all of us we were too stupid not to realize this was "the art of the deal." Brush my teeth and call me Smiley.
IRS acting supervisor Melanie Krauss resigned after Tom
Homan and ICE were given access to all of the organization's
confidential information. Because every known terrorist, rapist, and
murderer files tax returns. Under the radar was the release of the man
arrested 2 weeks ago for being the number 3 man in the MS 13 gang. It
turns out they had no evidence. Vivacious Pammy Bondi and Popeye Kash
Patel were not there for this photo shoot. But the perpetually angry
Bondi did file paperwork to reimburse the 1500 pardoned January 6th
criminals. Think of the money they could have made while they were
jailed!
During an
impromptu session in the Oval Office the Mango Mussolini told reporters
he was not opposed to sending American citizens to Kristi's death camp
in El Salvador because he doesn't want to play favorites. And Full
Metal Depends Donnie instructed Pammy and $Kash to investigate and
convict former White House employees Miles Taylor and Kris Krebs. It
seems these two chumps had the nerve to declare the 2020 election wasn't
rigged. Silly rabbit. Trix (and tricks) are for kids.
The MAGA House approved a budget for next fiscal year that would add 6
trillion dollars to the deficit, give one trillion to the military, and
cut taxes by 5.1 trillion dollars for the upper one percent. If you earn
less than 400 thousand dollars a year your taxes will go up. Hey, it's
your patriotic duty to suck it up and chip in. The Safeguard American
Voter Eligibility bill passed Congress and is now on its way to the
Senate. You will need a passport or a birth certificate on your person
to vote in a federal election. If your married name doesn't match your
Social Security number you are screwed and military personnel not
stationed in their hometown are also ineligible. Sorry. The Supreme
Court ruled 9-0 that the innocent Kilmar Abrego Garcia must be returned
from El Salvador but the Trump Administration said they were busy and
they'd get back with them Tuesday. Then El Presidente flew to Mar-A-Lago
for golf and imaginary sex with Melania
Today on Master's weekend Kristen Welker dressed in her popular Pepto Bismol pantsuit and welcomed fresh from prison Peter Navarro. Pete is a chief economic advisor to the Puffed Cheeto so you know immediately he's a lying huckster. He authored a book several years ago that liberally quoted a mythical person named Ron Vera. That is not a joke. Elon Musk calls Navarro "retarded" and "stupid as a bag of bricks." Sweet Karoline Leavitt shrugs this name calling as "boys will be boys will be boy yoi yois." He said certain electronic goods from China would be exempt from tariffs. Smartphones, televisions, and dildos. He said the line you don't want to hear "You won't disagree with me." The tax cut for billionaires is crucial and the tariffs will pay for it. Kristen asked questions and Navarro would change the subject. He gestured with his hands a lot and he kept telling Kristen to shut up and let him talk. He repeated the claim that every nation is calling Trump and begging for deals to be cut. Always trust a man who went to prison for refusing to testify to Congress. Navarro did remind us that Uncle Joe Biden is still an asshole and Love God Trump is the King.
Next it was Ray Dalio, millionaire investment banker. He had a new book out called "I'm Rich." The five factors for our nation's financial imbalance are 1) the credit and debt cycle 2) liberals versus MAGA 3) the New World Order 4) the forces of nature and 5) changes in technology. If we can get our budget deficit reduced to only 3 percent of gross domestic product from its current 7 percent we will be way cool Junior. We must slash spending to do that. Otherwise it's bye bye Johnny. Negotiate don't masturbate and war, uh huh, what is it good for?
Last it was the populist wannabe Cory Booker. Off his incredible performance of not urinating for 25 hours last week during his one man filibuster Cory gave his "full throated" condemnation of Trump's tariffs. How about the obvious indications of insider trading last week? Cory said you have to remember the two rules of today. 1) Trump is the boss. 2) See rule number one. Cory is bought and paid for Wall Street and attorneys so don't get Bernie Sanders carried away. He is stopped by people on the street every day and they start singing "Letters From Cleo" " Here and Now." Will he run for president in 3 years? He said that's not on his mind and Kristen crowed "So you're not ruling it out!" like she got a scoop.
In entertainment news last Friday night the country music heartthrob Jelly Roll guest starred on "Fire Country." He brought a 30 pound family pack of pork steaks and black eyed peas for the festivities.
And the mega popular musical duo the War and Treaty announced they were changing their stage names to Ham and Eggs.
And underneath the city
The alligators sing
About how the puppets cannot dance
Since someone cut the strings
Run and get the morphine
For God's sake make it brief
Lost Johnny's out there
Looking for relief
~ Hawkwind ~
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