It's Sunday with Dan | 2025 January 5

"New Orleans terrorist attacker is said to have come across the border in Eagle Pass TWO DAYS AGO!!! Shut the border down!!! Who did our government bomb lately that is taking it out on innocent Americans?" - Marjorie Traitor Greene 1-1-25

RIP Jimmy Carter at the age of 100. He lost his reelection bid in 1980 because Ronald "Nancy has a government paid astrologist" Reagan paid off Iran to keep the American hostages 444 days. Like a fake hero he had them released after the election. Jimmy put solar panels on the roof of the White House, but Ronnie had them removed because solar energy is for men who are light in the loafers.

As per edict by Dwight D Eisenhower government flags will be at half mast for 30 days. The First Felon Donnie "You thought his hands were small" Trump is pissed. His first official act as Elon Musk's coffee boy will be to raise all of the flags, show doctored photos of his inauguration, and release all of the January 6th rioters.

Nikki Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes tonight!

 

On Monday the anointed one Moses Mike Johnson was endorsed by the Fanta Fascist, Newt "Sex Bomb" Gingrich, and Mike Lawler to stay as Speaker of the House. In an amusing twist of fate Republican Senator from North Dakota Kevin Cramer's son was sent to prison for 35 years for being cranked on meth and killing a policeman. Cramer has spent the last 4 years vilifying Hunter Biden for being a drug addict. The boomerang always comes back. Cramer publicly asked Vladimir Putin to release Hunter's laptop computer so we could all see the pictures of Hunter's winkie that the Tantric Sex Kitten MTG has. President Musk established a new burner account on X called Adrian Dittman who enthusiastically cheers every post by himself. On the same day Musk renamed himself Kekius Maximus. That is not a joke. The world's greasiest human being Donnie Jr whined on New Year's Eve that he hated the parties at Mar-A-Lago because "people treat me like an imbecile." Gosh. 

The new year began with Army veterans driving trucks and killing people. The two men involved were not immigrants but instead Red White and Blue Republicans. In a particularly disgusting press conference the Governor of Louisiana and the fake accented Senator John Kennedy insulted reporters and told jokes. I forgot the death of innocent people was a chance to crack wise. 

 

Did you know Nikki Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes tonight?

 

Susan Willes who is Mango Mussolini's chief of staff has given orders to all of the yet to be confirmed members of the cabinet to shut their mouths. So we will not hear about Pete Hegseth's latest drunken sexual assault, Kash Patel's newest death threat against a liberal, nor Tulsi Gabbard's latest phone call to Big Daddy Putin. Willis said all responses to questions must be cleared by "I'd rather be pretty than smart" Alina Habba. She has all of the intelligence and skill of the incredible Lara Trump. Lara's new hit single "I Gotta Sleep With This Bum" is number 3 on Spotify, trailing only Kid Rock and Fever Tree.

 

Today's "Meet the Press" was a reminder that sleeping in on Sundays is always an option. In the wake of tragedy and Moses Mike Johnson being shown on CSPAN crying as he lost the first vote on retaining his job as Trump's bootlicker our first guest was Senate Majority Leader Republican Senator John Thume. He represents South Dakota. 32 people live in that state, and don't talk about incest. The first answer was, of course, thoughts and prayers. Marjorie Traitor Greene says we should close the border and we all agree. No more maniacs from Texas! Thume said every Trump nomination should be approved and that there are 11 million immigrant criminals in America. Look under your bed. As a single male my income tax rate is 26 percent. Thume says it's crucial that billionaires like President Musk, Jimmy Fallon, and Rick Springfield only pay 11 percent. This will add 8 trillion dollars to the deficit but who gives a flying fuck. He went on to say that Uncle Joe Biden is a turd, Kristi Noem is one hot dog assassin, and Border Czar Tom Homan is coming to kick your ass. Unless you are a Scandinavian porn actress like Melanomia Trump.

 

Next was the ever boring Senator from New York Chuck " Reading Glasses" Schumer. Like a good senior statesman he said all of the correct things. And I thought I was shallow. Kristen Welker began the discussion with the ever popular "Terror Grips the Nation!" theme and Chuck said he liked her choice of clothing today. Chuck Schumer is living proof that Democrats don't have a clue. He's bought and paid for and you aren't. Last and certainly least was California Democratic Senator Adam Schiff. He has a condescending tone like America's Scold Peggy Noonan. He is whipsmart and we are idiots. He doesn't like One Eyed Jack Kash Patel, and he thinks an alcoholic rapist like Pete Hegseth should not be the Secretary of Defense. He talked for 8 minutes and said nothing.

 

Did you know Nikki Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes tonight? 

 

Moses Mike Johnson said Friday that Donnie "Where's the Butter?" Trump is the most powerful president in American history. To quote the historian Daffy Duck "It is to laugh."

 

There is no James Bond movie because Amazon owns the franchise and Cubby Brocolli's daughter has said over my dead body.

 

"Hornswoop me bungo pony on dogsled on ice!
Make a dash for freedom, baby
Don't skate on polar ice
It's too thick to be sliced by the light!
Of long and white polar nights"

~ Blue Öyster Cult ~