It's Sunday with Dan | 2025 January 26

 "I just got news from my lawyer. I got a pardon baby! Thank you, President Trump! Now I am gonna buy some mother fucking guns!!!" - Jake Chansley, the Q Anon Shaman (the cat with the painted face, the Grand Poohbah fur hat with the horns, and real life unemployed actor at the January 6th insurrection) - 1-20-25.

The lowest rated Presidential Inauguration in 12 years was held last Monday. Only 24.6 million Americans tuned in to watch, although Trump's latest lying press secretary claimed it was 85 million. Not surprising 71 percent were over the age of 55. These aren't the same people who watch "Rescue: Hi-Surf" on Fox.

The first thing one noticed was the billionaires club sitting right behind the stooge elect. These seats are normally reserved for cabinet nominees and governors, but they don't butter the bread. The Puffed Cheeto had Bezos, Musk, Zuckerberg, Tim Cook, the Taiwanese owner of Tik Tok, and the Chinese Vice President. Kiss our American Express assess. After a particularly ridiculous invocation from Franklin Graham, son of Billy, Trump began blathering for 40 minutes. "The golden age of America begins right now." Uncle Joe Biden destroyed our country. North Carolina has been ignored by FEMA, but California can bite his crank unless they kiss the whip. The decline of America is over and this will now be known as Liberation Day! I thought it was Monday and Martin Luther King day. Everyone will unify behind Von Limiter! Trump didn't place his hand on the two Bibles the First Whore and Third Wife was holding while he took the oath for the obvious fire and lightning dangers. He did point and look Chief Justice John Roberts in the eye as to remind him that his ass is owned.

Other highlights of the lecture were God, common sense, immigrants are criminals, he invented the External Revenue Service, hate speech is back and approved, DEI is gone, fuck the environment, and his favorite video on Pornhub is "Drill Baby Drill." He also admonished anyone who ever thought he would go away because God has chosen him to be the King. You can't kill him nor the most dominant victory in American history. The Civll War, World War Two, Covid, those were all bullshit.

After the luncheon that all of the former presidents skipped, Fat Nixon had a choreographed mass Executive Order signing session with 100 cranked out like a Play Dough Fun Factory. They were handed and explained to him by failed Missouri senatorial candidate Will Scharf. Scharf could don a cap and be a dead ringer for the Buc-ee's cartoon beaver mascot. Among those are the banishment of all transgender people, the establishment of a whites only hiring system, and the release of the 1600 violent criminals who stormed the Capitol on January 6th four years ago. Over 60 percent of the nation disapprove of that but who cares? Stewart Rhodes of the Oath Keepers is out. Did you know he only spent 7 months in the Army, dropped out, and then shot an eye out cleaning his 22 caliber pistol. Hence the sexy eye patch. Also out is Enrique Tarrio of the Proud Boys. He always wears a ball cap, dark aviator shades, and a perfect 3 day facial stubble. That look screams both "tough guy" and "pays for sex" at the same time. So Trump's private militia is out and they know they can kill at will because The Man Who Wears Cover Girl Bronzer has their back.

 

Tuesday was Elise "The Little Ball of Hate" Stefanik day in the Senate. She will be approved as our new United Nations Ambassador because MAGA lacks the testicles to fight Orange Jesus. She introduced her whipped husband and their precocious 7 year old son. She said "America First" over a dozen times and said Nazi salutes be damned Elon Musk is okey dokey and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. She invoked the name of Jesus, the UN should take their orders from Trump, that we should have a strategy (?), and that she was "a beacon of light." Cue up Mac Davis "It's Hard to be Humble." Every Republican Senator swooned in her presence. And, by the way, Palestine can rot in Hell if they're not there already. Tuesday also was the day that Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde signed her own death warrant. She had the audacity to ask the Mango Mussolini to show mercy on immigrants, women, and the LGTBQ community during a service at the National Cathedral. Trump took none of that and called her stupid and nasty. Republican Congressman Mike Collins threatened to draw up papers for her deportation and she has now received over a dozen death threats. We can't let the Bible get in the way of our White Christian Nationalist agenda. Jesus? What Jesus?  

 

On Wednesday the idiots on Newsmax called the National Cathedral the "Sanctuary City of Satan." Trump didn't know what countries were in the BRICS alliance and then mocked a reporter who did and told him "you'll figure it out." Diaper Donnie defended his pardoning of the January 6th criminals by saying "They served years in jail and murderers don't even go to jail in this country." He then pardoned Ross Ulbricht, the founder of the Silk Road crypto exchange which funneled money for sex traffickers, drug kingpin, and terrorists. Ulbricht had a life sentence but hey. We can't stand in the way of American entrepreneurship!

 

Trump then banned all transgender troops from the military and revoked the 60 year old ban of discrimination in the federal workforce. In addition he abolished the Civll Rights Division of the Department of Justice. More signed affidavits came out from Pete Hegseth's sisters in law about his drunken behavior and threats of violence to his ex wives. One ex even barricaded herself in a closet to avoid the kiss of Pete's iron fist.

 

In a bit of good news Wednesday Vivek Ramaswamy got booted off the DOGE committee by Nazi Musk. You see when you put two rich brats in the same room the one with the most money gets to stay. Two days later the lead attorney for DOGE resigned also. Musk and his Ketamine must be very irritating.

 

On Thursday both CNN and NBC News told their employees to lay off Trump in fear of governmental retaliation. On an exclusive interview with the repulsive Sean Hannity on Fox "News" Trump told America the economy would " fix itself" and that he still won the 2020 election. "I don't want to talk about the economy." The adjudicated rapist sent 2500 Army troops to the southern border and ICE began raiding businesses and schools in Chicago, Newark, and Washington state. Strangely these are all in Democratic areas. And they arrested a legal army veteran in New Jersey because he was a Puerto Rican. Border Czar Tom "Ugly" Homan said tough titty. Do you have your papers on you or are you the right skin color? With the Avian bird flu knocking on our doors Trump decided to shut down the National Institute of Health and to drop security protection for Dr Anthony Fauci who tantric sex kitten Marjorie Traitor Greene says should be in prison.

 

Also on Thursday Trump addressed the World Economic Forum in Davos. He spoke about how if European countries don't buy goods and build factories in America he will tariff them to Hell. He then answered questions from intelligent businessmen and it was laugh out loud funny. Donnie always comes off as the kid who didn't study for the test. This manner of speaking is referred to as Mumbo Jumbo Hinky Dink. A Reagan-appointed judge revoked Trump's ban on birthright citizenship and former pole and lap dancer and current Florida Republican Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna introduced legislation to put Monkey Fingers' face on Mount Rushmore. Louisiana Republican Congressman Andy Ogles introduced a constitutional amendment to let Trump run again in 2028. Ogles is accused of receiving 320 thousand dollars in illegal campaign contributions so he's trying to score points for a pardon from the Hairspray King. 

On Friday Trump reiterated his view that if OPEC would cut the price of oil the war in Ukraine would end. If I won the lottery I would need a separate wing of my abode just for my stereo. Late Friday the drunken tattooed Muslim hating misogynist Pete Hegseth won his nomination for Secretary of Defense by a vote of 51-50 with couch pounder Shady Vance the tie breaker. Trump then immediately fired 18 Inspector Generals even though you're supposed to give 30 days notice. Funny thing is he appointed most of them 8 years ago. He can now fill the slots with lackeys. 

Saturday Kristi Noem was sworn in as Director of Homeland Security so if you see a suspicious dog don't worry Plastic Surgery Kristi will shoot it in the face. (Check out her before and after pictures) Former government advisors Mike Pompeo and John Bolton were informed they will no longer have government security even though both are targeted by Iran. Trump told reporters he would not be responsible for their well being and they can buy their own security because "they're rich." 

And now for "Meet the Press." Kristen Welker has been the most inept moderator since David Gregory and today was no exception. Fuck me running if it wasn't Lindsey Graham again as the first guest. Lindsey is all in on Pete Hegseth because he will bring back the warrior culture to our war fighters. Sure there were a lot of changes against Pete, but Lindsey wanted video and a 6 pack of Pabst to watch it with. Birthright citizenship is a joke and although he has questions about Tulsi Gabbard's qualifications to be Director of National Intelligence he really likes her hair. Border Czar Tom Homan needs 300 billion dollars to deport immigrants because billy clubs and tasers ain't cheap. Pompeii and Bolton might be in danger, but let's not forget about target number one the God King Trump. He doesn't care about Inspector Generals being fired without notice because what's a guy to do? Lindsey didn't yell this week so that was nice. Next was Trump's hated foe California Democratic Senator Adam "Shifty" Schiff. Trump always calls him a criminal and mocks his looks. Trump mocking anyone's looks is a stretch. Schiff and Graham both agree the pardons by Trump and Biden of his family set a bad precedent. But this means Don Jr can do all the coke in the world and not worry about jail time. The reason his fellow Democrats voted for the Laken Riley Act was that even though an immigrant can be deported for stealing a tube of toothpaste now a vote against it would put you in the cross hairs of MAGA and Marjorie "Say Her Name!" Traitor Greene. Schiff thinks we should deport criminal immigrants but we just can't go trolling with dragnets like we're fishing for tuna. Schiff says Trump is just making his own swamp with his Rouge's Gallery of Villians cabinet. He admits that for the most part we are screwed. Congress passed a bill this week that bans the 9 transgender athletes playing in NCAA sports from competing. There are 500 thousand athletes competing in NCAA sports. At last count there were 3 nationally in high school. Thank God that's under control! In fashion news last week Melania's Rowdy Yates hat was all the rage at the inauguration. It's large bill protected her from Donnie's trout lips when he tried to kiss her. But Friday she let California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom plant a big one on her. 

In Oscar nomination news there was considerable outrage as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was snubbed in the Best Actor category for his performance in "Red One." And there was a tie for creepiest photo of the week. Was it Mark Zuckerberg staring at Lauren Sanchez's breasts on the inauguration dias, or was it the serial killer look Barron Trump was giving Carrie Underwood while she was singing. Tell me in your comments! 

 

And my head is down and I'm called a clown by comedians that grace
The living stage of every page of worthless meaningless space
But I swear to you before we're though you're gonna feel our every blow
We ain't bleeding you we're feeding you but you're too fucking slow

~ Mott the Hoople ~