It's Sunday with Dan | 2024 July 28

At 12:40 pm CDT last Sunday the St. Louis Cardinals were playing the Atlanta Braves. Simultaneously to the strains of David Ruffin's "My Whole World Ended" Uncle Joe Biden's corner decided he couldn't go the entire 12 rounds against the Soggy Bottom Boy Donnie Trump. Uncle Joe threw in the towel, and immediately Republican weirdo VD Vance called him a "quitter." Panic gripped my household and the return of the Mango Mussolini seemed inevitable. But, as the song goes, what a difference a day makes. Within 24 hours the new Two Gun Kid Kamala Harris burst onto the scene and the entire race for the Oval Office had gone topsy curvy. Like a 5 year old child after its first can of Mountain Dew, Kamala had raised 84 million dollars and kingmaker George Clooney was flashing his seductive grin again. 

In response the MAGA firehouse of hate was unleashed in its full Godzilla like fury. The hideous Laura Loomer (Republican influencer!) posted that Kamala began as a paid escort, gave knob shines to wealthy men, used drugs, and wasn't really black. More than one white Republican congressman said she was a DEI hire, and Diaper Donnie went to his Dollar Store media outlet Truth Social and said she was "dumb as a rock." 

A video clip from 2 years ago surfaced of VD Vance telling slapdick Tucker Carlson that the Democratic Party was being run by childless cat ladies like Kamala, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Pete Buttigieg. How clever to throw the gay guy in there so as to offend as many groups as possible. VD doubled down on that comment later in the week by telling hair extension Barbie Megyn Kelly that people without children have no skin in the game, and their vote shouldn't count as much as God fearing heterosexual parents. Take that you unmarried bastards! 

VD is best described as Ron "Little Hitler" DeSantis but without the charm. Sarah Palin but with more eyeliner. He told his hometown crowd in Ohio last week that he drank a Diet Mountain Dew before his speech and the Democrats would call that being racist. When no one laughed he giggled to himself and said "I love you guys!" 

For the first time in 44 years a Vice Presidential candidate's approval rating is a minus 6 percent. Shit, even some people liked Dan Quayle. After a day of being grilled on a bipartisan basis in Congress, Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheadle resigned. Quicker than you can say "Covenant Eyes" Moses Mike Johnson put on his Mary Martin Peter Pan costume and began dancing on Kim's grave. Hey, she gets the pension. 

FBI Director Christopher Wray (appointed by Trump) is now receiving death threats because he had the nerve last week to say they have no evidence that Soggy Bottom was struck by a bullet. It might have been shrapnel or glass from the teleprompter. He said the fact that Trump has released no medical or hospital records on the incident makes it impossible to say for certain. The only "witness" to Trump's condition is the unlicensed physician Texas Republican Ronny Jackson/Johnson (last name varies on Trump's memory).Not being hit by an actual bullet messes up the whole messiah story. Remember Doc Ronny is the same cat that said Trump was in better physical shape than Barack Obama. I mean you can tell just by looking at them! 

Tuesday Uncle Joe addressed the nation for 10 minutes behind the resolute desk in the White House to explain his reason to bail on the election. In his whispery, breathy voice suitable for announcing putts on the 17th hole of the Bob Hope Desert Classic he said he was passing the torch. Unlike his opponent Trump who was merely passing gas (or perhaps worse). In reflection the outgoing President stated that "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time." 

In this week's True Crime Update New Jersey Democratic Senator Bob "Auric Goldfinger" Menendez announced he will resign his seat on the 20th of August after being convicted on 18 felony counts. He said he wanted to give potential clients a head's up that he was still open for additional bribes and kickbacks for another 3 weeks. Dirty deeds done dirt cheap. 

On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday the Bibi Netanyahu traveling autocratic show visited Congress, Biden, Kamala, and Trump respectfully in that order. You say get the hostages from Hamas back, and Bibi says give him the bombs that take out 2 mile radius areas. Financed by Russia pro-Palestinian protesters gathered across the street from the Capitol and set fire to an American flag, and it was universally declared as lame and stupid. No offense, but is that all ya got? 

On Thursday the son of Mexican drug lord El Chapo was arrested in Texas. His name is El Mayo and he was the leader of the bloodthirsty creamy Hellmann's gang. On Friday Diaper Donnie told a Turning Point USA (big shout out to white supremacist Ben Shapiro) crowd in West Palm Beach that if all good Christians vote for him come November they will never have to vote again. Trump told them "give me four years and it'll all be fixed." Read into that what you will. When I say dynasty do you think of the tee vee show with Joan Collins and Linda Evans, the Kiss album, or the chance for Pax Trump? And how are things at your house? 

Searching for the promised land
Love can ruin a ladies man
Sonny Liston got his breaks
You'll get yours if you can wait

~ The Dictators ~