Free your mind and the rest will follow. Last week the Honey Hush Money Trial of Donnie "Turd Magnet" Trump began in New York City with jury selection. This took 4 days and was not without problems. By Thursday we had 7 jurors. By Friday one had bailed because her identity had been revealed on Fox "News" by the Penis With a Smirk Jesse Watters. He was offended by her profile. It stated that she got her news from the New York Times and CNN, she had no opinion on Donnie, but also thought no one was above the law. God forbid. Donnie immediately posted this information on his money hemorrhaging Truth Social website. She now feared for her life.By Friday we had a complete roster of 12 jurors and 6 alternates. Let the death threats begin.
Outside the courthouse an obese man carried a banner that read "Give Me Trump or Give Me Death." Another trip to the Golden Corral and he might get number two. Inside the courtroom, when Donnie was not glowering at the potential jurors, he was sleeping and passing gas. More than once the judge had to bang his gavel and declare "Odor in the court!" (Stolen joke number one) The popular consensus among medical professionals on why Orange Jesus cannot stay awake is that while in the courtroom he is cut off from his constant intake of Adderall and Diet Cokes. That will mess one up. Donnie did declare that this trial was "an assault on America!" So be warned. If you have ever paid a porn actress to zip her lips because it might hurt your chances to become president you are next.
Wednesday was National Banana Day and the Republican State Senate in Arizona squashed all attempts to overturn that state's court decision to ban all abortions. Also at a campaign rally Arizona Republican Senate candidate, Fascist Barbie Kari Lake, told voters it was time to "strap on the armor of God and a glock." Everyone knows Jesus was a pistol packing daddy-o. Notice that Kari is always filmed or photographed in a soft focus. This reminds one of either Joan Crawford or a Penthouse Pet centerfold.
This was supposed to be National Appliance Week in Congress. They were going to address in separate bills the Stop Unaffordable Dishwasher Standards Act, the Liberty in Laundry Act, and the Refrigerator Freedom Act. This in protest of new energy and water savings requirements for new appliances. The GOP stated they were part of the radical left agenda of Uncle Joe Biden. Unfortunately more pressing matters put these on the rear burners of your gas stove.
On Saturday the House voted to approve funding for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. Tantric sex guru and Russian puppet Marjorie Traitor Greene had attached riders to the Ukraine bill that 1) demanded space lasers for the southern border to kill incoming people and 2) that anyone who voted for Ukraine had to go serve as foot soldiers in their army. Surprisingly both amendments were defeated. This brought out the highly anticipated transformation of Marjorie into the rampaging She-Hulk. On a televised live interview on CNN she called the results "bullshit" and I raised a toast in cheer. Now this means the ouster of Moses Mike Johnson as Speaker of the House. Marjorie said he has betrayed America more than 3 times and she is joined by two other patriots in this effort.
First we have Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky whose hairstyle is best described as tossed salad. And number two is longtime favorite Paul Gosar of Arizona. If you've never seen him in action imagine a meth addict panhandling outside a convenience store. Yes, he is that twitchy, head bobbing, eyeballs bulging animated. When he speaks you need subtitles.
And all of this hilarity brings us to another episode of "Meet The Press." Our special guest star was Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Let me begin by stating that the NBC News interpreter was not restaurant quality. There were long periods of silence while our boy was trying to catch up. So here we go. Zelenskyy gave many thanks to Moses Mike and Uncle Joe for the weapons his country had been waiting 6 months for. Can Ukraine beat Russia or are they just playing the game? He said like the Kansas City Chiefs they always have a chance. How long will this drag on? Zelenskyy dodged this like a pie thrown by Moe Howard. Instead he said that with this influx of weapons this eases the burden on NATO. But how long will it take? Think of adult diapers: Depends. Zelenskyy wishes his country had ballistic missiles and jets. But Russia has a 10 to 1 weapon advantage. Zelenskyy said that just like the Isley Brothers they have work to do. How's the morale of the troops and what do you say to the cowards? Zelenskyy said Russia has more troops but they are getting their soldiers out of prison. Hence, once sent to the front more Russians are defecting. The Washington Post reports that Trump's plan for ending the war is to cut off aid and tell Putin it's your country now, come and get it. Zelenskyy said Trump can go suck eggs. He said believing Putin is like believing in the Easter Bunny. Does Putin have a 5 year plan to conquer Europe? Zelenskyy said yup. In the most useless question of the interview our girl Kristen Welker asked Zelenskyy had he ever given up hope? What the hell is supposed to say? "I'm jumping out of the airplane right now, babycakes!" Jeez. Don't forget that in the last two weeks Russia has quietly tippy-toed out of both Georgia and Armenia. In my armchair opinion Russia could end up being the Jimmy Fallon of "superpowers."
Next was pollster Steve Kornacki. He had a lot of numbers. It's April. The election is in November. Never forget the words of Toe Blake:"Predictions are for gypsies."
Finally we had presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. Presidential historian is short for "conservatives hate her." She has a book out. Her husband was a speechwriter for John F. Kennedy. The book is about her husband and the 1960s. She says we live in troubled times. She says everyone should vote. She says she was born an optimist. Bruce Springsteen was born to run. Albert King was born under a bad sign. George Thorogood was born to be bad. I was born in a hospital.
RIP the great baseball manager Whitey Herzog who died last week at the age of 92. When he was the skipper of the then hapless Texas Rangers he told reporters at spring training they "were one player away from winning the World Series. Babe Ruth"
In every dream home a heartache: The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and his wife Teresa are divorcing after only 3 months of marriage. It seems she doesn't like his habit of walking around the house naked all the time admiring his chiseled 70 year old body. And he doesn't like her nightly habit of doing one bong hit after another while binge watching "Dr. Pimple Popper."
The Billy Joel concert last Sunday on CBS was inadvertently cut off 2 minutes before its finish. The 49 viewers nationwide that hadn't been put to sleep were incensed.
And yesterday was 4/20 which is National Marijuana Day, National Record Store Day, and Adolph Hitler's birthday. Coincidence?
Top of the staircase was ready to fall.
We were still waiting downstairs in the hall.
Watch out for Big Mama, she'll set you on fire.
Or go for your neck with the chicken wire.
When you've begun to think like a gun
The days of the year have suddenly gone.
~ John Cale ~
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