Another girl, another planet. Another day, another war. In our loss of innocent lives main event we have the militant group Hamas launching a full tilt attack on Israel yesterday, and questions abound. Over 500 Israelis are dead, and possibly thousands more have been kidnapped. Now this has raised the white hot fury of Bennie "And the Jets" Netanyahu and the gloves are off. Intelligence agencies across the spectrum were caught with their BVDs in the rinse cycle and had no idea this was afoot. American Republicans say this is all Uncle Joe Biden's fault. But besides Aaron Rodgers season ending injury for the New York Jets what isn't?
The House led Republicans gave Kevin "Let's Make a Deal" McCarthy the bum's rush this week and ousted him as Speaker of the House. He now joins the list of such luminaries as Newt Gingrich, Dennis "Velcro Fly" Hastert, Paul Ryan, and John "Bourbon Tan" Boehner as GOP House Speakers who left with their suitcases packed and their pensions intact.
The list of fall out boys to be the new speaker has been reduced to two MAGA life model decoys. Representative Jim Scailise was the early front runner as he is a huge fundraiser and generally liked by his cohorts. Remember, he was shot by an anti-Trump terrorist during a softball practice before the annual game versus the Libs. But the smart money now is on the man who covered up the 6 accounts of sexual assault on wrestlers by the team physician in the last 10 years at The Ohio State, Jim "Bad Combover" Jordan. Jordan was the coach of the men's wrestling team. Paint by the numbers. He is in the back pocket of Donnie Trump, and the Grand Poobah himself endorsed Jordan Friday. After the sacking of McCarthy this week the Republicans' playlist was dominated by the Talking Heads. In a virtual tie it was " Burning Down the House" and "Once In a Lifetime." However the Democratic party was gloating with Al Green's "Love and Happiness."
In other news Dandy Donnie Trump lasted 2 and a half days at his civil trial in New York for fraud and tax evasion. His GED attorney Alina Habba forgot to ask for a trial by jury, and the spray tanned messiah was issued a gag order after defaming the court clerk and posting her Instagram address on his website.
In an overlooked story this week Vivek Ramaswamy, while campaigning in Iowa, filed a press release saying his vehicle was rammed by an unruly car of LGBT activists who were screaming obscenities. He also posted this on an internet fundraiser. Afterwards Mr. Peabody told Sherman to set the wayback machine to 1965. He wanted to see the Castaways perform their classic song "Liar Liar." The police investigated the mishap and it turns out a customer was leaving her parking space at a diner and bumped Ritchie Rich's Ford Escalade.
In a cringing moment of sorrow Uncle Joe Biden broke a campaign promise and authorized the expansion of the infamous border wall. He said the money to fund the project was passed in 2019, and legally his hands were tied. And Arnold Schwarzenegger never meant to have sex with the midwife. Also while touting his fabulous economic record he failed to mention he also promised to raise the minimum wage. It has been $7.25 an hour since 2009. Funny how time slips away.
Our first nervous guest on "Meet The Press" this morning was Secretary of State Anthony Blinken. Winking and Nod were absent. His confidence was as overpowering as a Kansas City Royals starting pitcher. Not a single intelligence agency in the world saw this attack on Israel coming. The chance for peace talks in the Middle East are as remote as Henry Kisinnger winning on "Dancing With the Stars." He stated that violence reigns in the Middle East. If you didn't know, bees make honey.
Next on our cavalcade of stars was the Velvet Hammer Nikki Haley. The attack by Hamas on Israel is all Uncle Joe's fault because the world views us as milquetoasts. And we are next in line because our southern border is as weak as generic denture cream. A crazed jihad army is coming to a Walmart near you.
Finally, in this reboot of "Amateur Hour" was the horniest man in America Matt "Viagra and Red Bull" Gaetz. He wants his "hero" Jim " Sgt. Schultz" Jordan to be the new Speaker of the House, and the way to cut the government's 33 trillion dollar deficit is to cut social security and give tax cuts to the 1 percent Uber rich. Before the House adjourned for a week it was announced that whipsmart Missouri Republican Congressman Jason Smith would lead a committee to investigate how Drew Barrymore could have a net worth of 125 million dollars.
Locked in a room full of words I'm the one eyed midget with a curse.
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