At 1:30 am Wednesday morning CST the newly elected president of the United States of America took the stage in West Palm Beach Florida. At that point 49 percent of the only 54 percent of American citizens who actually voted shook their heads and covered their heads with their pillows and went to bed. For the 50.8 percent who went to the polls and stayed up to watch the victory speech by the convicted rapist it was a TV event to remember. The candidate who only ran for 107 days was thumped by the 80 year old who campaigned for 2 years to stay out of prison.
On the stage last week to celebrate the victory were such luminaries as Joe Rogan, Wayne Gretzky, and UFC Commissioner Dana White. For those of you who were not keeping score it was Trump 74,237,815-Harris 70,336,163. Among those who declared it was a mandate was Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Dr Phil.
In a stunning turn of events 18 million of registered Democrats did not vote because the price of bacon had risen during the last 3 and of half years. During his victory speech the Mango Mussolini told his minions that he was chosen by God to lead America to a new golden age, and to deport 11 million immigrants out of the country. When asked by Kristen Welker how much that would cost in dollars the Orange Jesus replied "It doesn't matter." A mere 2 days later Google reported that the most searched topic online was "What are tariffs?"
Among the things America is looking forward to are the dropping of all criminal charges against the Soggy Bottom Boy, the release of all the January 6th insurrectionists, and the return of drug overdoses by pop singers. After the tumultuous events of last week the entire continent of Eastern Europe took a shit and streamed today's episode of "Meet The Press."
For starters Kristen Welker eschewed her traditional pink ensemble for a more subdued pale blue blue, reminiscent of the 1985 St Louis Cardinals road jerseys. The first guest was Republican Senator Joe Barrasso from the state of Wyoming. He had an erection the size of Lady Gaga's nose and bragged that now he will be the majority whip in the Senate. He stated that America wants to make sure that the price of pay per views go down, that Haitian immigrants aren't eating cats and dogs in your neck of the woods, and that there will never be a reboot of Batman movies. Other than that he gave the talking points we have heard for the last 18 months. Beyonce has more Grammy nominations all time than Barry Manilow, and no one demands a return of the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's.
Batting second in today's lineup was Vermont's Independent Senator Bernie Sanders. Bernie is never one to take potshots against those that disagree with him, and in this interview there were plenty to go around. Among those to get a 3 Stooges pie in the face were Nancy Pelosi, Uncle Joe Biden, Elon "Leon " Musk, and Aaron Rodgers. Bernie continues to plead the cause of economic injustice while downplaying social issues.
It is amazing that 7 states voted to return abortion rights for women while they voted for "Grab 'Em by the Pussy" Trump. As the country faces a return to the past it will be fascinating to see how the populace responds to the daunting new reality. Will Ukraine roll over to Russia? Will Israel kill every Palestinian? Will Sean Combs be held accountable for every man sexually assaulted and woman slapped like pinatas? Will the State of Arkansas allow Sarah Huckabee Sanders to enlist every 9 year child to be employed at a Tyson's chicken processing plant?
In celebrity news Princess Kate of England returned to her official duties this week after recovering from her illness. She cut the ribbon at a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Buc-ee's in Sussex. And your favorite first lady Melania Trump announced last night that she is taking the 4 time rewritten prenup from Diaper Donnie and embarking on her new chapter. Melania will be starring in the February edition of "The Golden Bachelorette." The contestants vying for her heart and trust fund will be Pauly Shore, Tom Brokaw, James Corden, William Shatner, and Peter Frampton.
When Alexis Arguello gave Boom Boom a beating seven weeks later he was back in the ring. Some have the speed and the right combinations. It you can't take the punches it doesn't mean a thing.
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