"Mexico is really in trouble. A lot of trouble. We're going to be announcing at a future date, pretty soon, we're going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, which has a beautiful ring. That covers a lot of territory, the Gulf of America. What a beautiful name. And it's appropriate." Convicted Felon Donald Trump - 1-7-2025
Last Monday was Happy Insurrection Day! Vice President Kamala Harris certified the election of the adjudicated rapist as the mock President of the United State. As the civilized world recognizes Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin as the real leaders of America, let us not ignore the fact that Chinese President Xi owns Musk, as the largest Tesla factories are in China. And you don't play ball in China unless you bend over and grab your ankles. Besides seeing the man of God who tried to bury the Matt Gaetz statutory rape report Moses Mike Johnson smirk his way through the entire ceremony there was another highlight. As Kamala swore in Nebraska Republican Senator Deb Fischer her racist husband Bruce refused to shake Kamala's hand or look at her. MAGA screamed because he had his cane. However that didn't stop the crusty old white bigot 6 years ago when it was Mike Pence doing the honors. Wife Deb did say she would continue to govern with God's guidance. Justin Trudeau resigned as Canada's Prime Minister, but not before saying "there was no way in Hell" Canada would be taken over by Diaper Donnie Trump.
Also on Monday Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg said they would no longer fact check posts on this platform. He said it was stifling opinions on "gender and immigrants." While showing off his new chia pet hairstyle Zuckerberg also appointed Trump confidant, UFC chairman, and wife beater ( watch the video ) Dana White to the company's board of directors.
On Tuesday First Mental Patient Trump gave a 74 minute rant/press conference from Mar-A-Lago which was broadcast in its entirety on the popular Right Side Broadcasting Network. There was quite a bit to digest. Besides renaming the Gulf of Mexico he stated that 38,000 Americans died building the Panama Canal and that it is now run by China. These are both lies. When asked, he said if need be he would use military force on Panama, Denmark, Greenland, and Canada in order to make them capitulate to his will for American expansion. Did we vote for that? I thought it was groceries and immigrants raping white women and eating cats and dogs? He showed off his knowledge of water faucets and shower heads not working, that water comes from "rain from heaven," and that windmills kill whales. And he acknowledged the presence of RSBN reporter Brian Glenn, who is the lucky man sleeping with tantric sex kitten Marjorie Traitor Greene. Trump also said that if the Middle East hostages were not released by inauguration day he would level Gaza. No one has told him it already is leveled. Talk loudly and carry a mushroom sized winkie.
The next day Marjorie the Mouth introduced legislation to rename the Gulf because that's the kind of stuff that affects us all, like transgender volleyball players at San Jose State University.
Also on Wednesday America's Alcoholic Rudy Giuliani received the first of two contempt of court citations for the week in his defamation trials. Donnie still owes Rudy Can't Fail 3 million dollars for "legal work" but Trump never pays his bills. Rudy's pants are baggy but you can see them shaking. Thursday was the services for former president Jimmy Carter and there was a photograph of Uncle Joe Biden with his eyes closed so Fox, the New York Post, the Irish Star (?), and the miniature Greg Gutfeld all screamed "he's sleeping!" Barack Hussain Obama drew the short straw and had to sit by the odoriferous Trump, who was having a bad makeup day. GW Bush refused to acknowledge Diaper's presence and Mrs. Mike Pence also refused to stand up or look at Trumpty Dumpty as he squeezed by. Surprisingly no one talked to the bought and paid for Melania who turned heads with her black and white Mayflower pilgrim outfit. Later that day on Fox's "The Five" fashion model/news anchor Rosanne Scotto said that Harry Truman tried to purchase Greenland in the year 1867. And she read that from a piece of paper in front of her. It's all about the looks you know.
Former skeevy Clinton campaign advisor Mark Penn has a podcast and his guest Thursday was President Musk. He took time out from fermenting Neo-nazi unrest in Europe to confess that he and Vivek Ramaswamy won't be able to cut 2 trillion dollars out of the federal budget. He said they would be lucky to get half that. Promises made, promises broken. Even after an illegal phone call from the Mango Mussolini to Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to convince him otherwise, the high court ruled 5 to 4 that they would not stay the sentencing of the 34 criminal charges against Diaper. John Roberts and Amy Coney Dog Barrett voted with the 3 liberals and now Steve Bannon has marked them for death. So at 9:09 Friday morning Donnie was announced to be a convicted felon with an "unconditional discharge." That means no jail time, but as a felon he can't own a firearm or enter more than a dozen countries including India, China, Canada, and the UK. He has pissed them all off already so it doesn't matter. In his 5 minute response to the verdict the syphilis infected brain of Trump couldn't construct a sentence but insisted that he won the election in a landslide, Hezbollah was behind the January 6th riot, and no president should ever have to go through what he has. If no other president screws a porn actress while his "wife" is at home nursing the 6 month old baby and then juggle bank records to cover it up they won't have to. Easy peasy.
Today's "Meet the Press" was another rich mixture of diverse yet all mind numbing politicians. First was NBC News correspondent and Clark Kent look alike Jacob Soboroff interviewing beleaguered California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom. It was bad enough he was once married to the Human Inflatable Doll Kimberly Guilfoyle. Now the city of Los Angeles has been destroyed by wildfires and it's finger pointing time. The Fire Chief of LA ( a lesbian homophobic MAGA Charlie Kirk reminds us on an hourly basis ) blames the city government. Felon in Chief Donnie says it's all "Newscum's" fault and when he's sworn in they won't get a fucking dime. Well Newsom says we will look into everything and we have 14 thousand firefighters battling 6 remaining wildfires. He says rebuilding will be arduous and new jet age materials will be used. They will actively make sure there is no fraud and price gouging. They could start that at the Walmart. When asked why they ran out of water he responded by saying it's Los Angeles not Niagara Falls. When informed that all the insurance companies have bailed on the city he said it reminds us of what a wonderful business that is. Pay your premiums and fuck off. Newsom said Trump's firehose of insults and lies mean nothing to him. Besides, he has better hair than the comb over disaster.
Next was California Democratic Senator Alex Padilla. Kristen Welker has now become as lame as Sean Hannity in asking pointless questions. "Do you have confidence in your mayor and governor?" What is he supposed to say? "Hell no! I'm outta here!" Padilla's best quote was "Every house is a home." He ain't heavy, he's my brother. On the ridiculous Laken Riley Act before the Senate which calls for all immigrants to be locked up even for crimes like shoplifting she yelled at him "Yes or no?" 3 times. He said no. America exhaled under such unrelenting pressure from Kristen.
Finally it was our old friend Oklahoma Republican Senator James Lankford, an ordained minister from the Church of the Blinding Light. Lankford said he would approve funding for fire blighted California while dancing around the cruelty and indifference of the incontinent Trump. He said he was okay with Russian operative Tulsi Gabbard as National Security Administrator because she said she'd behave. And Pete Hegseth will never get drunk and sexually assault women while wearing his National Guard dog tags ever again. He said we must approve Trump's tax cuts for the wealthy or taxes will go up 4 trillion dollars. Not your taxes mind you, but Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and President Musk's. If you ever think a person in high office is looking out for you, think again.
In news from the world of sports the premiere of the WWE on Netflix last Monday was highlighted by the appearance of Trump supporter and steroid abuser Hulk Hogan being booed out of the arena in Englewood, California. Jeff Bezos and Amazon are paying the First Nude Model Melania Trump 40 million dollars to film a 90 minute documentary on her life as Ambassador for Golddiggers. It will be directed by Brett Ratner who hasn't worked in years in Hollywood due to sexual assault charges. The film will be released in early 2026 so you have plenty of time to load your bong.
And Uncle Joe Biden awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the Pope. This shocked the nation as most thought it would go to Pete Davidson who has fixed more broken hearts than Del Shannon and James Taylor combined. James Taylor has put more Americans to sleep than Nyquil.
"Let me take you to the empty place in my fire engine.
It can drive you out of your mind.
Climb the ladder of your own design in my fire engine."~ The 13th Floor Elevators ~