"We're going to have tremendous goodies in the bag for women, too.
Between the fertilization and all the other things we are talking about,
it's going to be great. I am still very proud of it. I will be known as
the fertilization president. That's okay. That's not bad."
Donald "Johnny Appleseed of Sperm" Trump - 3-26-25
On "The Price Is Right" a woman in black vinyl pants yelled at Drew Carey, " I don't know what I'm doing!" Also on Monday it was disclosed that a "private" chat group spilling war/attack plans against Houthi rebels had no idea what they were doing either. National Security Advisor Mike Waltz contacted Atlantic Monthly editor Jeffrey Goldberg to be a party to the confab along with stooges Petey Hegseth, Shady Vance, Nosferatu Steven Miller, and Russian agent Tulsi Gabbard among others. This story was only beginning. Also Monday another White House cabinet meeting was held led by President Elon Musk, who was smartly dressed in a "Trump Was Right About Everything" ballcap. And the failed lawyer but successful fashion model Alina Habba was named by Orange Jesus to be the acting Attorney General of New Jersey. The attention whore immediately told the press she was gunning for Democratic Senator Corey Booker and the Democratic Governor because Jersey was a hotbed of crime and it was their fault. The Oval Office announced they were selling sponsorships for the annual White House Easter egg roll. I'm looking forward to the Trojan Magnum Condom 6 to 8 year old competition.
Expert Will Cain said on Fox Tuesday that the leaked war texts didn't show incompetence on the White House's part but instead their expertise and crack precision. And so the spinning began. Testifying before the Senate, CIA Director John Radclffe said leaving the chat room open to an invited reporter was a mistake but not a big deal. Director of National Intelligence and Hindu surfer Tulsi "Pepe Le" Gabbard said 1) the leaked information was not classified and 2) she could not answer questions because it was classified. Please contact me if you can explain to me how that works. Neither Radcliffe nor Gabbard nor sexy FBI Director $Kash Patel could recall anything in particular about the entire meeting. $Kash said he didn't even know about it until 2 days later. Gabbard and Radcliffe committed perjury, but $ Kash and Attorney General Pammy "Bribed" Bondi said investigations were not needed and no charges would be filed. But they both said all Tesla protesters and vandals would be charged as domestic terrorists because that's way more important.
Middle East and Russia envoy Steve Witkoff told Russian mouthpiece Tucker Carlson that last summer when Trump was/was not shot at the campaign rally in Pennsylvania Big Daddy Vladdy Putin immediately went to church and prayed for Trump's survival. Witkoff says Putin cares deeply about Trump as a valued friend. Steve Witkoff is an idiot. The Mango Mussolini had a sleepy incoherent interview with sexual assaulter and suck up Greg Kelly on Newsmax that evening. Dumpty went on and on about the 2020 election, God saved his life at said assassination attempt so he could save America, that January 6th criminals should be given financial restitution, the slain criminal Ashley Babbitt was a beautiful and wonderful person, the policeman she attacked should be in prison, and that he invented the word "groceries." "Do you know what groceries are? Things like bacon, eggs, milk."
Wednesday the Puffed Cheeto signed yet another unconstitutional Executive Order concerning election reform and rules. Among the provisions, if married women take their husband's last name they will be ineligible to vote, and everyone will need a passport to prove their citizenship. Fun fact: According to federal records in the last 20 years 2 billion votes have been cast. 85 were by illegal immigrants. Barney Fife "Nip it! Nip it! Nip it!"
Projected revenue collected by the IRS this year will drop 10 percent or 500 billion dollars due to collection efforts cut by DOGE! Thanks, Elon! You are saving money by God! DOGE wunderkid Edward Coristine aka Big Balls was found to have worked previously as a tech for a cyber crime gang. Border Czar Tom Homan said ICE would need a budget of 86 billion dollars for the rest of the year. He called all stray non criminals arrested simply "collateral" assets.
For posting the war/attack plans on the leaked group chat Secretary of Scotch Petey Hegseth was charged Wednesday with a federal felony and assigned to the hated judge James Boasberg. AG Pammy Bondi blew a fuse and screamed bloody murder on Fox for fascist Laura Ingraham. RFK Jr announced all funding for Covid research would end and Marjorie Traitor Greene chaired a committee to end funding for PBS and NPR. She declared that both were guilty of sexualizing children and persecuting God King Trump. James "Foghorn Leghorn" Comer showed up with charts that showed PBS ignored the Biden crime family and when he asked the director of Public Broadcasting questions he shouted down her answers and told her the gravy train was over. And Foghorn knows gravy trains! It costs every taxpayer $1.50 a year to fund PBS and NPR but screw that. And the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that ghost gun kits should be regulated under gun laws with nutjobs Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas dissenting. Also Wednesday Homeland Security Director and sex symbol Kristi Noem flew to El Salvador and filmed herself in front of cages of shirtless prisoners. This was in violation of the Geneva Accords. She wore a 60 thousand dollar Rolex watch, pursed her filled lips, and said "You're next." Trump announced 25 percent tariffs on all imported cars and car parts and when asked about 4 soldiers missing and or dead in Lithuania he answered "I don't know anything about that. Next question."
Thursday the Atlantic published the entire transcript of the leaked bombing mission and when informed that a missile destroyed an entire apartment building a suspect had entered also killed 5 innocent children Shady Vance is quoted saying "Excellent!" Video footage was released of a Muslim Tufts University student being captured on a sidewalk by 6 masked ICE agents. She was spirited away to our new favorite facility in Louisiana. Her crime was a year ago so she co-authored an opinion article in the school newspaper suggesting they divest Israeli companies from the school funding. Fuck that first amendment. A member of the MS 13 gang was arrested in Virginia on gun charges and $Kash Patel and Pammy Bondi showed up for the photo opportunity, Eloit Ness Untouchables style. And the German newsmagazine Der Spiegal found the addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, and passwords for all 11 people who participated in the Houthi bombing meeting. We can call Tulsi and Petey for Happy Hour!
Elise Stefanik, the Little Ball of Hate, had her name pulled for the United Nations Ambassador nomination because the GOP cannot afford to lose her congressional seat. She gave up her 3rd spot in the House power structure for this UN job. Now she's back on the bottom with nothing to show for it. There is no truth to the rumor that Alina Habba's crush (true, see the video) sex trafficker and rapist Andrew Tate is next in line for the position. The United States sent an advance party to Greenland and was reported to be going door to door to ask people if they wanted to meet Usha Vance on her visit and not a single person said yes. Shady then released a video saying people were so excited he had decided to go with her. All of their scheduled social activities were canceled, and they simply flew all the way there to visit a military installation. There Shady gave an insulting speech saying Denmark had ignored Greenland and for the safety of the world we should " not ignore President Trump's desires." E Jean Carroll wasn't allowed to. America has never looked smaller.
Friday also saw the stock market crash and drug addict Larry Kudlow on Fox said it was not the tariffs but the threat of the tax cuts for the top one percent expiring that caused it. Saturday after playing golf at Mar-A-Lago Diaper Donnie called Kristen Welker and yakked her head off for 10 minutes. Here we go: The Signal released war plans scandal is fake news! A witch hunt! He doesn't care if car prices go up! People will buy American! By negotiations or military force we will take over Greenland! He has had the most successful first 100 days in presidential history! (He's only been in office 71 days) And after all that it was time for " Meet the Press."
First was Atlantic Monthly editor Jeffrey Goldberg. Trump has called him a " sleazebag" and Waltz on Fox called him "the bottom scum of journalism." When asked about how they got his phone number for the conference call he answered that this was not "The Matrix" and your information cannot be sucked in as they have claimed. If Petey Hegseth is posting a play by play preview and then live updates of the attack is not classified information what is? Hegseth was singing like Lainey Wilson, and Shady was questioning Trump's intelligence in approving the attack. That spells a brouhaha! Goldberg will not be bullied because he merely answered a message request. The fifth largest law firm in the world Skadden Arps was extorted for 100 million dollars worth of pro bono legal representation for Trump last week, but Goldberg said Trump could bite his crank. He wouldn't have released the transcripts had they not called him a liar.
Oh no next was MMA fighter and Republican Oklahoma Senator the perpetually angry Markwayne Mullin. (What kind of name is Markwayne? What, was Sammyfred already taken?) He was wearing a monogrammed hunting vest which begs the question is it duck season or rabbit season? Let's ask Elmer Fudd. These weren't war plans! It was a successful attack! Joe Biden was a pussy president! There was no danger in the plans being discovered because you can't tell him where it was! Biden was a pussy! What about the 15 who died in the withdrawal from Afghanistan years ago? Former Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin had surgery and was out for 3 days! Fuck the left! Trump, who he mentioned 12 times in 10 minutes, leads the world! Putin had better be scared because Trump doesn't bluff! Trump has plan A, B, C, and D. Like Old Crow, that's hard to swallow. Canada can't threaten us! Let me tell the lie that we subsidize them again! And don't forget, Biden was/is/ will always be a pussy! Markwayne didn't smile once. And don't ask him to, you pussy!
Last and least was Democratic Senator from Colorado Michael Bennet. He had a fiery exchange with the CIA Director John Radclffe during the senate hearing Tuesday. "You should really do better." Wow. "And eat your cream corn." None of our allies can trust us now. Loose lips sink ships, and when Petey brags safety lags. Trump says if Iran doesn't cancel its nuclear program we will bomb them into the Stone Age. Funny, Trump was the one that canceled the treaty that prevented that in his first term. Bennet didn't answer about the bombing threat. Bennet didn't answer whether Charles in charge Schumer should be replaced as Minority Leader. California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom called the party toxic last week. Bennet said the correct term would be problematic. Okay. The future of the party? Like all vanilla Democrats he said it's time for some more focus groups. They just can't appeal to the educated. The party needs some knuckle draggers, too. He went out on a limb and said his party " needs imagination to do better." Jiminy Christmas. Then Kristen asked him if he was going to run for Colorado governor and he said no. He's going for Grand Poobah of his Aspen Moose Lodge.
In another Executive Order given to Trump to sign this week by Buc-ee's mascot Will Scharf it is now decreed that from now on every month will be Ford Truck Month. That way they can run the same fucking commercial all year. And in a new public service announcement Smokey the Bear tells us only we can prevent forest fires because Elon Musk fired all of the park rangers. That means Yogi and Boo Boo will run rampant stealing picnic baskets.
Marijuana monster is stalking the streets
He knows what he's up to, he knows what he eats
He gobbles your body and spits out your mind
If you don't believe it then you must be blind
Reefer madness has stolen all their souls
Reefer madness is right out of control
Evil reefer madness is a mind eating troll
~ Hawkwind ~