"The European Union won't take chicken from America. They won't take
lobsters from America. They hate our beef because our beef is beautiful
and theirs is weak!"
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick 4-2-25
Last Sunday the aforementioned Howard Lutnick bailed on his scheduled appearance on "Face the Nation." Combover King Donnie Trump told reporters on Hair Force One that every country on the globe would be subject to tariffs. " I call it the Golden Age of America." President Felon Musk held an election rally in Wisconsin and when he was greeted with catcalls he said "There are George Soros operatives in the audience. Say hi to George." Musk gave away two bribery checks for a million dollars apiece on a totally random drawing. One of the random winners was the chairman of the state College Republicans Club and organizer for Charlie Kirk's Turning Point USA group. Big Daddy Vladdy Putin told the Puffed Cheeto to play Sugarloaf's "Don't Call Us" the next time he wants to negotiate over Ukraine.
On her Fox television program Lips Lara Trump asked how the progress was coming to put Diaper Donnie on Mount Rushmore. Department of Interior Secretary Doug Burgum said watch his smoke. In time for the nation's 250th anniversary! Nazi sympathizer Marine Le Pen was barred from running for office in France for 5 years. Embezzlement is a sweet gig until you get caught.
And Monday the brain dead Kid Rock appeared for photos in the Oval Office with the cuddly rapist Trump dressed in an outfit that can only be described as Evel Kinevel white trash.
On Tuesday Attorney General Pammy Bondi called for the death penalty for accused murderer Luigi Mangione and China surrounded Taiwan with warships. New Jersey Democratic Senator Cory Booker began what would end as a 25 hour filibuster speech shattering the record of white icon Strom Thurmond in 1957. Thurmond was a Dixiecrat protesting the Civil Rights Act. Before anyone declares Booker as the Great Liberal Hope be reminded he's bankrolled by AIPAC, Bain hedge fund capitalists, and trial lawyers. Musk appeared on Fox's "The Five" with the masculinity challenged Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld and said 400 thousand stolen Social Security numbers were receiving monthly checks. He also said the hot lady with the short blonde hair on "Rescue Hi Surf" would be the lucky mother of his 17th child. The 25 million dollars Musk spent in Wisconsin failed as the Democrat Susan Crawford beat MAGA candidate Brad Schimel for the open state Supreme Court seat. And 10 thousand employees were fired by the Department of Health and Human Services.
Wednesday the Mango Mussolini declared it was Liberation Day and held an hour long presentation in the soon to be paved Rose Garden. Trump announced tariffs of ridiculous amounts made from totally fabricated numbers against every nation except Russia, North Korea, and Belarus. A hand picked crowd of 300 people applauded and cheered at every mundane utterance from the liar's lips but because it was outdoors the smell of his soiled underwear wasn't overwhelming. When describing grocery buying he referenced "a can of milk." I've always bought cartons, but I could be weird. These tariffs will add $5200 a year to the average household but remember it's not a tax! Trump did put a 10 percent tariff on the Heard and McDonald islands in Antarctica where there are no humans but there is a lively gaggle of penguins. While Wednesday was Liberation Day Thursday became Libation and Lubrication Day. Get hammered and take it up the ass!
The Dow Jones dropped 1500 points and over the Thursday and Friday period lost 6.6 trillion dollars. In Rupert Murdoch terms that's known as "real money." Former Vice President "Hang" Mike Pence declared the entire scheme was a disaster but Ohio Republican Senator Bernie Moreno said on CNN that Pence was "a lefty who never ran a business." Over the course of the two days many nations applied retaliatory tariffs and in essence the world's economy collapsed. Trump responded by saying things were working out well, that he didn't have time to attend the dignified transfer of the four US servicemen who passed in Lithuania, and then flew off to Palm Springs to attend the LIV golf tournament at the Doral course he owns. The murderous regime of Saudi Arabia are paying him so he can't ignore them. A judge ruled that the wrongly jailed Kilmar Abrego Garcia must be returned by Monday from the death camp in El Salvador. But gold-digger Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt lied again and said Garcia was a leader of a MS 13 gang in New York City even though he's never lived there. And the man who pretends to be the Secretary of State Miniscule Marco Rubio attended the NATO summit in Brussels. Rubio was received like Jesse White or Gordon Jump as the Maytag repairman aka the loneliest man in tow. Rubio said the tariffs will correct the problem of America that "we don't manufacture anything, we are a service economy." Shit. I didn't know we were all cashiers at Arby's. In response to the 2 day destruction of the American economy zooming up the Trump Top 40 are the Hollies "King Midas in Reverse" and the Damned "Feel the Pain." And for the first time in it's 28 year history Fox did not show the stock market numbers on the screen during its programming. Daffy Duck : "It is to laugh."
The head of the National Security Agency was also fired by the Impish Incontinent One Friday. Tim Hough was let go because the insane racist Laura Loomer told Trump he was disloyal. Always trust a woman with porno Botox lips and purple hair.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent was guest number one on "Meet The Press" this morning and he stammers and stutters more than Porky Pig. The stock market is an organic animal. Despite all of the feverish dumping of stocks Thursday and Friday the computers didn't break down. Don't underestimate the crafty pervert Trump! The world may be playing chess but Donnie is playing Chutes and Ladders! Oh yeah, Uncle Joe Biden sucks. The volatile stock market is actually a security risk. I thought the drunk with a boner Petey Hegseth was, but what do I know. People shouldn't worry about their retirement funds as long as they have a savings account. He's a big fan of data. Wasn't Data on the second "Star Trek" series? Oil prices are down and so are interest rates. No and I don't think so. If wages go up things will be ducky. If the upper one percent get their tax cuts extended everything will be neat, neat, neat! And at least 50 countries are currently begging Trumpty Dumpty to change their tariffs as I write this. We're close to a settlement with Vietnam so that means Nike shoes won't go up in price. Bessent projects all the confidence of me on a blind date.
Next was Baptist minister Republican Senator from Oklahoma James Lankford. He's not an economist but he knows Trump kicks Biden's ass. They can't let Biden go. The Wall Street Journal says China will be the new financial leader of the world since Donnie has pissed off everybody. Lankford said ya think? Trump has invented all new rules for applying tariffs so Gentleman James is kind of confused. He's got a book out and it's all about renewal, revival, and the ever burning fires of Hades if you don't straighten up. Get involved locally! Run for dog catcher. Dream on until your dreams come true. Thank you Steven Tyler!
Finally it was the less than admirable Democratic Senator from California Adam Schiff. Please remember he gave a ton of money to Republican Steve Garvey in last year's primary. Why? Because he knew he could beat him like a throw rug on a clothesline in the general election. Break out the No Doz for Shifty. He wants you to know wealthy people could give a shit about people like us. The Senate passed a motion to repeal the tariffs against Canada but it doesn't have a chance in the Moses Mike Johnson House. Did Biden's advisors hide his deteriorating conditions last year as new books by insiders suggest? No answer. From then on for the remainder of the interview he wandered all the way out to Highway 61. He's cool with Cory Booker. But the entire Democratic Party needs to get bold. Bright colors for spring. No goth fashions. New York City mayor Eric Adams getting all of his bribery charges dropped because he sold his soul to ICE and Trump proves that corruption is the coin of the realm. And bricks are heavy. Thanks for your time Adam.
In entertainment news television viewers recoiled in fear and revulsion last Thursday. "Farmer Wants a Wife" addressed the subject of animal husbandry and the less said the better. "Hands Off" demonstrations protesting the Trump/Musk marriage were held across the nation yesterday and it was an amazing spectacle to observe. The best thing yours truly saw was an 80 year old woman in full Marie Antoinette costume carrying a sign that read "The last time we had a king I got my head cut off!"
Take me to the Brocade River Hotel
And I just want to know
While the revolution lasts
Will it enable me