It's Sunday with Dan | 2025 March 2

"Government workers don't do real jobs! They don't deserve their jobs
or their paychecks! And they can be fired without notice!"

Tantric Sex Kitten Marjorie Traitor Greene, Chairperson of the DOGE Committee 2-27-25

 

In breaking news last Sunday it was revealed that of Leon "Elon" Musk's 15 children the last 8 have been conceived via IVF. Elon had a "botched penile implant" surgery. So, in layman's terms, there is still butter available but the churn doesn't work. 

Last Monday conspiracy podcaster, steroid freak, and imitation tough guy Dan Bongino was named Deputy Director of the FBI. The experts agree he and One Eyed $Kash Patel will make a great team. Despite firing agents, $Kash and the FBI have given a contract to wife beater and UFC president Dana White to use his fighters to train agents. Good to know our law enforcement agents will be versed in tackling and kicking without shoes on. 

At the United Nations the United States voted against condemning Russia for invading Ukraine. The GOP Congress passed a budget resolution 217-215 that gives 4.5 trillion dollars in tax cuts. But for those of us who make less than $ 400,000 a year our taxes will go up. To achieve the difference Medicaid and Food Stamps will go the way of Dippity Do and Jiffy Pop. But it's for the greater good, and it only adds 3 trillion to the national debt. Texas Democratic Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was asked on camera what she would say to Elon Musk if they were face to face. She said simply "Fuck off." 

The girl you weren't wealthy enough to date in high school, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, announced that from now on the White House would decide who attends the press briefings and who gets to ask questions. The next day 15 questions were asked, and 8 were by not actual reporters but instead MAGA podcasters. Did you say North Korea? MSNBC continued its firing spree as they continued to streamline their operation to become less left wing and be more attractive to potential buyers. 6 employees of color were told sayonara. Attention whore Megyn Kelly told her audience about fired Joy Reid "You're boring! Learn how to smile! Don't be such a cold hearted bitch!" Hey, Megyn hates Taylor Swift too, so it's no big deal. And Megyn's hair extensions are as good as Sheriff Kristi Noem's. 

Also on Tuesday the overstuffed bag of hamburger buns, aka Donnie Trump, announced that for 5 million dollars foreigners can buy a "Gold Card" to fast track citizenship and get an on the house hand job from Lauren Boebert. Trump said we could pay off the national debt with this, and Russian gangsters would be more than welcome. The Contours "First I Look at the Purse."

The Trump administration had its first cabinet meeting and President Musk was in charge. Unlike Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Musk dressed up like a German tank commander with a ball cap and black trenchcoat. Grinning sleazeball Howard Ludnick laughed and applauded at every lame comment the somnambulant Trump said and Musk lied about getting the Ebola health prevention commission back in order after accidentally canceling it. Musk's use of pot and ketamine make his speech and people skills more unrecognizable every day. 

When asked about the first death in Texas from measles, the Director of HHS RFK Jr said he was keeping an eye on it. That's reassuring! By the way, there will be no vaccines available this fall because Bobby canceled the organizational meeting. He's busy doing push-ups with his shirt off. Girls go wild. 

Trump's nominee for Solicitor General told a Washington DC circuit judge that the White House has no obligation to follow court orders they don't agree with. National Security Administrator Tulsi "Pepe Le" Gabbard fired over 100 intelligence employees. All were LGBTQ and were accused of sexting to each other on company time. Of course this too was a total lie planted by far right agitator Christopher Rufo, but Tulsi doesn't let the truth stand in the way of streamlining the government. Look at her photos. It's true she wears even more makeup than the Puppet in Diapers. 

In press meetings last week with French Prime Minister Macron and UK PM Starmer Trump again denied making statements that were on film. "Did I say that?" Either he's lying or the syphilis inspired dementia is really kicking in. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau dropped a 2 billion dollar fraudulent interest criminal case against Capital One, and Ben Affleck's ex wife wants to know what's not in your wallet. And in the unnecessary blow job of the week 77 year old Republican Congressman Joe Wilson introduced legislation for the Treasury to authorize a 250 dollar bill with der furher's ugly mug on it. Wilson is best known for yelling "You lie" at Barack Obama's 2008 State of the Onion address. Wilson said we need a denomination that high because of "Biden's inflation." It's nice to know that Wilson has proudly served Bug Tussle all these years in the hallowed halls of DC. 

Without parsing every detail it is suffice to say the staged display at the White House Friday is perhaps the lowest point in our country's history. Here we have Volodymyr Zelenskyy being double shouted down by a pair of pathetic titty babies begging for thanks, all the country of Ukraine's minerals, complete capitulation to Vladimir Putin, and the final insult of "reporter" Brian Glenn asking where's your fucking suit? Brian Glenn has sex with Marjorie Traitor Greene so who's the real person with no respect? Zelenskyy was told to leave and more power to him. America is no longer Batman in Gotham City. America is the cheap hood who cowers to dictators and criminals like Musk and Peter Thiel (Shady Vance's owner). 80 years of American leadership in the world pissed away by a rapist and a slapdick who wears eyeliner. Unlike Vance, I don't dye my beard. Here's the best case scenario: Russia is losing and can be beat. Russia has lost more troops in 3 years than we did in the entire Vietnam War. Ukraine wins with the help of Europe. And then the rest of the world can tell Donnie he has no credibility or clout in the world and never will again. Hell is not, repeat, not filled. Zelenskyy has since been embraced by the rest of the decent free world, and Shitty Pants is playing golf as I write this. Shady took his wife and kids to Vermont Saturday and they were given the bum's rush by protesters along the highway and then at the ski lodge. They had to leave. Big tears mean nothing, Shady. 

Which brings us to "Meet The Press." First it was the Man Who Was Told By God He Is Moses Mike Johnson. Is there a smaller, more ineffective weasel in the world? "Thou shalt lie like Eddie Haskell on Leave It To Beaver." Moses said Zelenskyy should fall to his knees and thank the God King and do whatever he says. If I hear "Peace through strength" one more time I'm going to say "Peace through surrender." Moses lied about the demolition of Social Security and Medicare by saying "Read the document. We are getting the money out of the Commerce Department." And what department is in charge of Social Security and Medicare? It's not Fish and Wildlife. Moses said it's "estimated" there is 50 billion a year in Medicaid fraud. It's also estimated my grade point average in college was 4.0. 

The next stooge was the ordained minister Republican Senator from Oklahoma James Lankford. Oklahoma last week had to pass a law making it illegal to beat handicapped students for disciplinary issues in schools. But it was hotly debated because the scriptures say "spare the rod" is not good policy. Lankford nodded his head a lot and said yes Putin is a dictator, but Trump is our little dictatortot. Then Lankford doubled Moses number and said that it's 100 billion in fraud and waste in Medicare and Social Security. With the measles outbreak in Texas does he believe in vaccinations? Lankford said not only is he vaccinated but he is also wearing 2 condoms right now "just in case!" 

Finally on our tripleheader it was the world's oldest liberal Bernie Sanders. The champion of the people who also owns four houses. He said the next time Lindsey Graham pops off and says something as stupid as last Friday that Zelenskyy should resign as President he might think twice. Lindsey is well known for changing positions if you know what I mean and I think you do. Some people like strategist James Carville and Weinie in Charge Hakeem "Wall Street" Jeffries say the Democrats should just lay in the weeds and let the MAGA bastards hang themselves. Bernie said no no Nanette. You want to cut the budget? Bernie says call the Pentagon about that. Which is the same as saying fat chance, Sherri Sheppard. Oh well. 

In entertainment news your longshot tonight at the Oscars for best actress is Fernanda Torres in "I'm Still Here." She won't win, but if it happens I'll take a 6 ounce ribeye steak medium well with A-1 sauce. And brace yourself for the return this month of "Farmer Wants a Wife" on Fox. Nothing says romance like surgically enhanced women going kissy face with bodybuilders wearing cowboy hats. RIP Roberta Flack, Gene Hackman, and David Johansen.

Now, with all the crossin' fingers that mother nature sends
Your mirrors getting jammed up with all your friends

~ New York Dolls ~