It's Sunday with Dan | 2026 May 17

"I don't think about America's financial situation" Donald F Trump 5-13-26

"We're pain. We're steel. A plot of knives" - Blue Öyster Cult

Last Tuesday Taco Tits fell asleep again at a televised press conference at the White House because women were speaking. 60 million dollars were spent on Trump mobile phones and now, over 18 months later, not one has been sent. By the way there are no refunds. Sorry boys! 

Depends Donnie went to China and spent the entire trip with President Xi's balls in his mouth. The Secretary of Commerce Howard Nutlick's congressional deposition was finally released and he refused to answer every question about Orange Jesus and Jeffrey Epstein. He's not a kiss-and-tell type. Neither was Loni Anderson. 

Also on Thursday the charismatic Smokey Eye Shady Vance addressed a crowd of 137 people in Maine and it lasted 8 minutes. He invented a sick person and screamed "Is there a doctor in the house?" I didn't make that up. He did say people on welfare drive Lamborghinis and eat rib eye steaks 7 days a week. Shady Vance has all the charm and magnetism of a clogged toilet. And he's one of 49 men who have slipped the pork to Erica Kirk. What's that smell? It was revealed that the bug-eyed baboon $Kash Patel swam at Pearl Harbor, and we paid for it. I'm glad he finally got his winkie wet. Not from his "girlfriend." $Kash has also been rigging the FBI's 10 most wanted list by arresting petty criminals and saying they were rapists, pedophiles, bank robbers, and Islamic terrorists. Cocaine addict Larry Kudlow said on his Fox show that high gas prices didn't bother him, but the price of Slovakian hookers does. The most successful prostitute in America Melania Trump won't do him for a sawbuck. Southwest Border Patrol commander Mike Banks resigned saying he wanted to spend more time with his family. It turns out he was having sex with prostitutes overseas and bragging about it to his underlings. Pappy has a boner. The unfuckable Jesse Watters said on "The Five" on Fox that if negroes want more elected politicians they should have more children. Actual quote: "You want the seats then get in the sheets." Jesse needs to be pistol whipped by Lee Marvin in an episode of "M Squad." Look for that tv show and get stoned! 

Also on Friday we found out Dictatortot made 750 million dollars on the stock market in the first quarter of this year. It's request hour and I want to hear "Mister Lucky" by John Lee Hooker. The punk Markwayne Mullin was told by Nosferatu Stephen Miller to be more violent and aggressive with ICE, so don't answer the door if it's unexpected. Lazy Lester "The Same Thing Could Happen to You." On Air Farce One the adjudicated rapist Donnie told a reporter from the New York Times he was a fake person and BBC, CNN, and ABC were all liars. Big Daddy Vladdy Putin is visiting President Xi in China as I write this. What do you think they are doing? They are not watching new episodes of "Sheriff Country." 

Saturday saw the loss of Republican Senator Bill Cassidy in his primary to a man who swallowed Mushroom Winkie's love butter. Danny Partridge: "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck it must be a duck." 

After a week of exciting NHL hockey it was time for "Meet the Press." First was the gorgeous Lindsay Graham. As usual he was liquored up and lathered down. He told the beautiful but vapid Kristen Welker that Donnie is the king and tariffs are the best thing since pizza delivery. Lindsay then said we should bomb the living bejesus out of the "death circle" in Iran. He then said the United States is at the 10-yard line in the war. Do we go with the flanker reverse of the quick out to the tight end? 

Next was Democratic Senator Chris Van Hollen from Maryland. His option for Iran is get the hell out. If you're in a hole stop digging. We could spend that money on school lunches, health insurance, and another statue of Melania Trump. He then said $Kash Patel is a drunken little turd who never made the cool kids club. But he then said the GOP is the "cult of personality." Like Mussolini and Gandhi. 

Then it was former FBI director James Comey. Like Porter Wagoner he's a tall drink of water. He's not my flavor of political bourbon, but I admire his moxie and the cut of his jib. He said Sausage Fingers Trump could bite his crank and as a private citizen he can say whatever he wants to. It's called the First Amendment for a reason kids. He's just written his fourth book of murder fiction so he's on the tour. Hey, a cat needs cigarette change. 

Robert Downey Jr now makes commercials and says, "All I watch is News Nation." Obviously he's back on the vodka and blow. 

The mouth of idiocy Katie Miller said having babies is peak feminism. Are you pissing on me? 

President Xi said America is in total decline but Donnie said those were the years under Uncle Joe Biden. 

 

Bricks are heavy. 

 

I looked for trouble and I found it, son
Straight down the barrel of a lawman's gun
I tried to run but I don't think I can
You make one move and you're a dead man, friend

You know the story about the jailhouse rock
Don't want to do it, but just don't get caught...

~Waylon Jennings~